Men are simple creatures! Or are they?
I am sure that most women will think men to be as simple as women are complex. Whether that is true, or not, I do not know, but I do know that my fellow man never ceases to surprise by the wide variations in his thinking and his logic.
How many men, married or not, fantasize in the privacy of their dreams about other men? And yet lead normal lives. And because they have not done anything about it, they consider themselves to be straight, with absolutely no possibility of them being gay or bisexual!
Some go slightly further than just fantasy alone…
How many men, married or not, from time to time dabble in a bit of sex with another man? This may not be more than something mutual in the park, the public toilets or some other anonymous and convenient spot. But those same men may still consider themselves to be straight!
Why? Because they may not have kissed another man (they probably don't like the idea anyway), nor have they had much contact with them, or known their name, or anything about them. And they have been able to go home afterwards assuring themselves that they are ‘normal’, and that it was something that, if it did happen, can be forgotten quickly.
How many ‘straight’ men enjoy the company of gay men?
After all, the company of gay men can be less threatening, it can be fun, so long as the straight man can go home afterwards untouched, and continue to think of himself as being straight. After all, nothing of a sexual nature has happened to make them think otherwise.
There are some men who can go a step further and enter into something similar to a Closed Relationship, where the relationship is totally platonic. Are they gay, bisexual or straight?
So is it possible to have a relationship with another man, and yet still be straight?
It depends on the way that the men concerned think of it, and perhaps how far they go. If it is sexual, perhaps not. But if it is love without the sex? After all, what is a relationship, and does it have to be sexual? Taking the father/son relationship, the answer to that question has to be ‘No.’
Wives and girlfriends often ask the question, “Is He Gay?” This is the subject of another page. But many men, despite their fantasies and even deeds, may not be able to accept that they are anything other than straight. It is often best not to come to conclusions too hastily about their sexuality. Ask them the question, and as likely or not, they will deny it. And that is what many will genuinely believe. Some may be straight, some may be less so.
Genuine belief or double standards – who knows, but the combinations are probably limitless! And so is the complexity…
 do believe that staying in a marriage when one is gay truly diminishes the individual, just as any other choice that one makes that does not allow one to fully realise his/her life potential. It does not mean that gay men cannot stay married and have a modicum of happiness. But I challenge anyone to live in a relationship where he or she cannot be who they truly are as a total physical and spiritual being and be fully realised. There is limited self-expression of one's true nature.
People make decisions based on comfort level, station in life, economic situations, family circumstances and so many other factors. But, when we become so uncomfortable in a situation, we often grow restless and try to find a way out. Take for example a man who is unhappy in a job. He will do everything he can to change to better himself. It may take time, but there will usually be an effort to move.
I know that men who are remaining in their marriages truly want to hear a success story, but in over 25 years of counseling and working with individuals and couples, I've never seen a success where two natures are diametrically opposed – one gay, one heterosexual.
However, I would love to add a success story to my repertoire. So, if there is one out there, please tell us how you are doing it. Just remember, there is a vast difference between ‘coping’ and being truly happy.
And this is where the gay men who have come out and left their marriages have been chiming in. They have faced the issues of self-integrity, unhappiness, years of ‘coping&rsquo: and clandestine meetings without the opportunity to be free to self-actualise. They are speaking from experience so that those men who remain in their marriages can actually hear what it's like to move beyond a limited existence.
I can speak from the experiences of many men who have shared with me their journey, but the one I know best is my own. If anyone loved his wife, it was me. And she loved me. She was supportive, never complaining about the lack of sex. Our lives were intertwined, fully involved. We did everything together. There was no lack of romance and affection, it just stopped short of sex. After years of clinical depression and trying to end it—I had figured out a way to end my life and make it look like an accident so she and the children would be taken care of for the rest of their lives—I realised that I was not being fair to her or myself.
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That day was like a rebirth. Even though our marriage did not end for another six years, I felt like a whole person because I was accepting myself and gradually revealing my true nature and self to those I loved.
I cannot tell you how fulfilled my life is. I cannot tell you how thankful I am every morning I wake up beside my spouse and realise this is really my life. I am free to speak, to do, to live to my full capacity without looking over my shoulder or covering my tracks; without worry that someone will discover my ‘secret’.
The difference is black and white, and for me, life and death. Other's stories are similar to mine and all are willing to share their walk. For those men who are married, don't be threatened by it. Learn from their experiences, celebrate with those who were able to move on, knowing it can be done if one so desires. But don't feel that we are looking down on you for staying.
'd like to offer my own personal experience to those who are dealing with bisexual urges in a monogamous heterosexual relationship.
I have been married twice. I have been married to my current wife for 12 years. I have been aware of my bisexuality since my teens. I rarely acted on it. Looking back, I see that without exception I was drunk and made a trip to the video arcade. I have been sober through Grace for seven years. Coincidentally (??), when I turned my addiction over to my Higher Power, the visits to the arcade stopped. I have not been back, nor turned to another man, in that time.
Please do not take this as a declaration that I ‘found Jesus’ or something, and all my problems have magically disappeared. The sexual thoughts and desires still arise; I simply choose that from this day, I am sober and faithful in my marriage. For me, one-day-at-a-time has worked – so far. And, that's good enough for me.
Masturbation helps, too. But, rather than focus on fantasy images of being with another man (or woman, for that matter), my intention is to stay in the present moment and be fully present with the actual physical sensations that arise. Yes, thoughts and images of fantasy partners arise, but I am not these thoughts and images. My intention is to draw the sexual energy up into the heart, to surrender it, if you will. Many times, I will masturbate for 30 minutes or more several times a day without ejaculation. I would much rather share orgasm with my wife. I find that this practice has made me a better lover and allows me to be more fully present with her as well.
Whether you believe in chakras or not, my experience shows that this intention of sublimating sexual energy drains it (and me) of its restless, grasping, possessive qualities. This practice has been done in the East for thousands of years, and I find it brings me peace of mind and Heart.
No one is responsible for my orgasm except me. No one is responsible for my happiness except me. So it appears to this one.
I told my wife of my bisexuality more than eight years ago. As was mentioned, this can be marital dynamite – and was for me. I intended to share an ‘ugly’ part of myself that I believed to be shameful. Hopefully, I wanted to believe, it would bring us greater intimacy.
The reaction was swift, immediate and intense. She took it as me trying to bail out of the marriage, the exact opposite of what I intended. The next few months were extremely difficult and yet I grew as a human being. I was extremely focused on healing the marriage, was willing to surrender all expectation that the marriage would survive intact, and endeavoured to remain humble in the face of the inevitable backlash of emotion that (quite naturally) came from her at regular intervals.
It has taken years to regain her trust. Her most frequently stated fear is that I would ‘give in’ to my bisexuality and leave her for a man. I often responded, sometimes exasperatingly, that if I left her for another man or my secretary, what difference would it make?
She said something I'll never forget: “I can't compete with a man.”
Talk about raw honesty. Her admission did bring us closer together. Yet she has never fully accepted this part of me, and I choose to live with that.
I am not recommending or discouraging any particular course of action. I merely share this in the hope that it will be of service to other men and women. At times, I have felt caught in a vise, with no hope of a resolution where someone is not heartbroken. But with sites like this and others, I am coming to terms with my own sexuality as it relates to my marriage. I have realised I am not alone, I am not wicked, and that these sexual impulses have existed for men in all cultures, in all times.
Thanks for caring enough to make this space available to people like me.
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