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 f only I wasn't Gay… this is the cry of many a gay man who feels that nature has dealt him a cruel blow. There probably are a few gay or bisexual men who would not prefer to be ‘normal’, whatever that may be.
Not being Gay would mean that he could share heterosexual thoughts and jokes with friends and not be looked upon as some sort of freak if he was to reveal his innermost secrets. He could enjoy the sight of a pretty woman walking down the street and would not have to pretend anymore.
As a married man, he would not have to pretend to his wife that he was ‘normal’ and had no interest in that cute man walking down the street, who he has been watching for the past five minutes. He would not be cruising places where he could meet other men with the same inclination and run the risks associated with that. He would not be cruising the Internet advertising for like minded men to meet by arrangement, again running the risks inherent with that behaviour. He would not look for a regular ‘boyfriend’ or ‘boyfriends’ on the side who he could meet periodically to maintain his sanity and fulfil his sexual and emotional needs.
Being Gay, married with a wife and children, has done nothing to reduce his ‘gayness’, other than temporarily. Because he lives a ‘double life’ he feels shame and guilt towards his wife for having deceived her when he married her, when he genuinely thought that it was a passing phase and when he married he would change from homosexual to heterosexual. He would be with the one woman who he loved and who, probably, is his closest friend and yet cannot give him all he needs. He thought his same-sex attraction would be gone forever, but it hasn't, it’s still there, albeit for a while suppressed into the deepest recesses of his mind.
 ne thing that many married gay men notice through their life is that they have lived through various stages, changing with them.
The following scenario describes stages that are purely arbitrary. There will be many variations on the theme, but just how many can associate with these?
Stage 1 – Discovery of their sexuality
Often around their early teens – dreaming of boys, not girls – definitely gay but not wanting to be.
Stage 2 - Abstention of any sex during their early 20’s
Too frightened to do anything with men or women (don't really fancy women!). This period can vary considerably from one to two years or many years.
Stage 3 - Meeting their wife in their 30’s
The person they love as a friend and as the mother of their children, and 10–20 years of being totally faithful to her, although of course they have the old gay thought along the way, more often than they care to admit.
Stage 4 - Regression to active homosexuality
In their 40’s and 50’s (sometimes earlier), as a result of various triggers and likely to continue as a practicing homosexual through to the end of their lives, since they consider themselves to be totally gay, and have come to terms with it.
Stage 4 can be split into further phases:
- 4.1 Continuing in marriage and discovering men, and meeting lots of them over a very short period—perhaps 100 in 18 months—and not very proud of it. This is a bit like opening 'Pandora’s Box' but not being able to close it again – having the taste for meeting men and enjoying it.
- 4.2 Coming Out to their wife and all that entails, as a result of the need not to put her at risk of STIs, etc, also the fear that she might have realized that things have changed. Wanting to shout from the rooftop that they are GAY! But discouraged from doing it by their wife.
- 4.3 Continuing in the marriage and meeting and loving their first boyfriend, discovering love as it has never been experienced before, but nearly leading to divorce. However, still not wanting the marriage to break up.
- 4.4 Continuing in marriage but breaking up with the first boyfriend, and reverting to lots of men though not quite as many as before.
- 4.5 Continuing in marriage and meeting and loving another boyfriend – perhaps less of a threat on their marriage this time as the love is not quite so strong. Somehow continue with their wife’s knowledge, but not feeling comfortable with the two lives, although giving stability – similar to a Closed Loop Relationship.
- 4.6 Continuing in marriage but breaking up with boyfriend and grieving over him – not meeting any other men during that period of grievance, other than perhaps meeting the ex-boyfriend as a friend – experiencing constant swings from wanting to stay a married man to wanting to live with a man for the rest of their life.
- 4.7 Realising that it’s not fair on themselves or their wife to continue in marriage. The fear one day they will feel trapped and resent being married. Agreeing to separate to continue as best friends.
- 4.8 Separating, but where do they go from here? Find the man of their dreams? Who knows?
The above scenario may well strike a chord with many men who are married and gay, with variations of course. It may strike less of a chord with bisexual men who probably feel a lot closer to women than a gay man does.
Continued next column
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Continued from previous column
The fact that the steps in Stage 4 are shown does no mean that separation is going to happen. We are all different, our needs are different too and the choices we make are different yet again.
If you're a married gay man reading this, at what stage do you think you are, if any?
If you are the partner or spouse of a gay man, where do you think he might be?
t came as a shock after attending a Meeting to hear that all I was experiencing others had gone through too, even down to the ages where things happened. My own experience is that there are a lot of married men out there who also practice gay relationships. I don't know whether they are just frustrated and desperate for sex and so turn to other guys to gratify their instant needs or whether they really are gay to some extent.
My own experience has been suppressed from my teenage years. My father died when I was 14 and I was left with my Mum living in a small town where everyone knew everything about you if you weren't careful. Consequently I kept all my feelings under careful wraps. I then went to college to train as a teacher. Again this was a very closed environment. Great fun but very isolated from the real world. I then started teaching and again kept it all to myself, admitting anything only in the form of the occasional magazine bought when I was on my own somewhere else. This went on for years. I got married when I met this wonderful person whom I am still married to. We have worked hard at our marriage and are usually held up as being the ideal couple. If only they knew!
Our sex life has never been brilliant and when we tried for my daughter we had great problems which involved many visits to hospitals. We were allergic to each other and it took about three years to discover this. By the time we had succeeded it had played havoc with our sex life. It had become very clinical even having to do it at set times. But we survived and we developed a very strong relationship which somehow doesn't depend on sex to make it work. Neither of us is particularly strong in that department. However I did have growing urges to meet men.
Over the past 12 years I have resorted to doing the beats, George Michael style. This has never been very satisfactory and even dangerous, so I gave that idea up moving onto the sauna scene in Darlinghurst. This was the pattern until last September when I met a guy called ‘J’ whom I instantly fell in love with. Not a gentle slide into it but a full slamming head over heals love. We walked into each other literally and we had coffee together and from there we have seen each other regularly. He lives in an inner western suburb and is in a long term relationship of 4 years with another guy. I live in Gosford some distance out of Sydney and he comes to me on his day off and we spend the day together. Making love to him is like nothing else I've ever experienced. It’s so complete. He is 28 and had come from a very different background to myself and so we have so much to talk about. However he is adamant that I must not leave my wife as he does not intend leaving his man. So it sort of balances. But I do miss him awfully just before its time for us to meet again.
The effect of this meeting was very exciting to start with but by the end of October I was beginning to panic and felt I desperately needed to clear the air with my wife about my sexuality. My love for ‘J’ was getting out of control. I did not know what she would do. I was quite prepared to be booted out of the house. I had had a very quiet week business wise and done busy-work all week until Friday when I just sat about playing on the Internet. When she came home from work at the end of the day I just dissolved into tears and could not stop all evening as I knew I had to tell her but couldn't do it. By the end of the evening she was really frightened and so was I. Next morning she took me to the hospital and I spoke to one of the doctors about my problem. He gave me various phone numbers including GAMMA’s. Saturday evening was a nightmare and by Sunday morning we were both in bed and it just happened. It seemed such a simple thing to say. Her response was, ‘I have known for at least 10 years.’ This came as a shock, but we were still talking 10 hours later, by now with my daughter who is 17 and very sensible.
Her reaction was ‘So what, you are still my Dad and I think you are very brave to admit this!’ We talked for the next three days pretty much continually and we decided that my wife and I should get counselling to decide how to cope with it. So far so good.
My daughter had already met ‘J’ but did not realize the relationship. He is an ex-student of mine as far as they are concerned. Nearer Christmas he organized for us to buy a new CD player through the shop he works at so we all came to Sydney to pick it up. We all had dinner together. My wife by now is beginning to realize that I like him more than just as a friend. He has also spent New Year with all of us.
My wife is now coming around to accept the idea that I have a steady. I have not said anything yet as she is clearly several months behind me and needs time to think and catch up. However, I feel that she will eventually suggest this as it has been mooted several times as a solution. She likes ‘J’ and thinks that he would be suitable for the deal – this was said in a light-hearted moment. As yet, however, I don't think she is strong enough to cope with this. We have to sort out where she goes from here first. But I don't think it will be long. If the truth be known she probably realizes already that we are lovers. We are certainly closer, both physically and emotionally, since my disclosure and who knows exactly what will happen. The idea of sex frightens the life out of me at the moment. What if I fail to deliver the goods?
Personally I feel that a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders after all these years. I feel somewhat jubilant that I mentioned it and my world still carries on. But why did I not do it earlier? ‘J’ said, ‘Thank God you didn't. You would have been right in the midst of the AIDS Generation’. I am 52. This frightened the life out of me.
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