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 oming out as an adult who is in, or has been in, a heterosexual relationship is often a complicated and a highly individual process.
For that reason we at GAMMA. do not presume to tell anyone how or when to do that. What we can do is share some ideas, some thoughts and offer some reflections on how we and others have gone about 'coming out'.
The articles below are suggestions from a couple of different sources and as such do not necessarily represent any recommendation from GAMMA; rather we would see them as a resource and as 'food for thought'.
That is the manner in which they are now offered to you.
Gary C Hodson
President of GAMMA
oming Out is the process through which individuals comes to terms with gay or lesbian orientations. Coming Out includes both learning about oneself and sharing that knowledge with others. It also involves coping with societal responses and attitudes toward homosexuality. The Coming Out process is very personal. It happens in different ways and occurs at different ages for different people. Some people are aware of their sexual identity at an early age; others arrive at this awareness only after many years. Coming Out is a continuing, sometimes lifelong process.
While some anxiety related to sexuality is common among college students, the problem facing gays, especially married men who identify as Gay or Bisexual, are often more difficult than those facing others. Because positive role models are often difficult to identify, gay and bisexual people may feel alone and unsure of their own sexual identities. Also, fear of rejection may be greater among gay men due to prejudice in society against homosexuality.
Coming Out to Oneself
Recognition of one’s own sexual identity and working toward self-acceptance are the first steps in coming out. Focusing on the positive aspects of being gay as opposed to focusing on the discrimination, fears, and myths about gays in society is necessary for self-acceptance. This is not to pretend that such discrimination does not have any effect on gay men. However, this injustice can more accurately be understood as external to rather than inherent in gay sexuality.
There are many things to think about when considering Coming Out. Some of the positive outcomes may be increased self-esteem, greater honesty in one’s life, and a sense of greater personal integrity. In addition, there is often a release of tension when people stop trying to deny or hide such an important part of their lives. This can lead to greater freedom of self-expression.
One safe means of beginning to Come Out to oneself is through reading about how others have dealt with similar issues. There are hundred of books and periodicals on all facets of gay life, from clinical studies on homosexuality to collections of ‘Coming Out’ stories.
Coming Out to Other Gay Men
After spending some time getting in touch with one’s own feelings, the next step often is Coming Out to others. It is usually advisable to come out first to those who are most likely to be supportive. Gay men are a potential natural support system because they have all experienced at least some of the steps in the process of Coming Out. Sharing experiences about being gay can decrease feelings of isolation and can be an important benefit of Coming Out. Within the gay community are a number of helpful resources. These include Coming Out groups, switchboards, social outlets, and political and cultural activities and organizations like GAMMA.
Coming Out to other gay men does not need to happen quickly. Choosing to do so also does not mean that individuals must conform to real or presumed expectations of the gay community. What is most important is that gay men seek their own paths through the process and attend to their unique personal timetables. Individuals should not allow themselves to be pressured into anything they are not ready for or don’t want to do. They should proceed at their own pace, being honest with themselves and taking time to discover who they really are.
Coming Out to Non-Gays
Perhaps the most difficult step in Coming Out is revealing oneself to non-gays. It is at this step that individuals are most likely to encounter negative consequences. Thus it is particularly important to go into this part of the Coming Out process with open eyes. Non-gays may be shocked, confused, and may even reject a friend or family member who comes out to them. Loss of employment or housing are also possibilities that gay men face in some places, even the most private expressions of sexuality between gays are illegal in some countries of the world.
Coming Out to others is likely to be a more positive experience when individuals are clear about their own feelings and thus less reliant on others for their positive self-image. Since this process of clarification of feelings takes place over time, it is usually not a good idea to Come Out on the spur of the moment. The process of Coming Out is likely to be more successful as an action, not as a reaction. In Coming Out to others, consider the following:
- Think about what you want to say and choose the time and place carefully.
- Be aware of what the other person is going through also. The best time for you might not be the best time for someone else.
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- Present yourself honestly and remind the other person that you are the same individual you were yesterday.
- Be prepared for an initially negative reaction from some people. Do not forget that it took time for you to come to terms with your own sexuality, and it is important to give others the time they need.
- Have friends to talk with about what happens.
- Don’t give up hope if you don’t initially get the reaction you wanted. Some people need more time than others to come to terms with what they have heard.
Summary
The decision to Come Out is always personal. Whether to Come Out and, if so, when, where, how, and to who are all questions you must answer for yourself. Taking control of this process includes being aware in advance of potential ramifications so that you can act positively, rather than defensively. Coming Out may be one of the most difficult tasks gay men confront in their lives, but it can also be one of the most rewarding. Coming Out is one way of affirming your dignity and the dignity of other gay men.
 t some stage, when you have come to terms with your own sexuality, you may consider it is time to tell your wife, if you have not already done so. This could well be the most difficult and bravest thing you have even done. This may be because:
- You consider that you cannot keep your secret any longer
- You have had sexual experiences with other men and run the risk of being discovered, or are subjecting your wife to a health risk
- You think that your wife may already suspect your sexuality
Whatever the reason, you have decided that she must know. How do you do it?
Remember, if you’re going to tell her, you are probably already at ease with your own sexuality, but revealing it to your wife is going to be like a bombshell, unless she already suspects. Therefore, thought many have done it, it’s recommended that you do not just come out with it.
If you can, gradually get her used to the idea that you are not anti-gay, and indeed, you are sympathetic towards gays. You may even gradually drop into the conversation that you are interested in the gay culture and have talked with several gay men and as a result have a much better understanding of them and their culture.
Then after some time, if you wish, reveal to her, gently, that you also have gay tendencies. But remember, it is your decision and yours alone if you tell her. Sometimes, it is better not to tell, but to let her suspect. Human beings, the complicated creatures that we are, can often cope with something that is unsaid but understood, rather than something that is said and which therefore is known.
What happens then is the $6 million question. Some women when they are told can accept the situation; others can’t. Others are affected catastrophically. But whatever the reaction, all will start to ask questions.
- Why have you not told me before?
- Have you always been gay or bisexual?
- When you married me, did you love me?
- Do you still love me?
- Has having sex with me all these years been a pretence?
- Have you been with other men?
- Do you have a lover?
- What is our future together?
The last question is one of the more difficult ones to answer, but remember that it is the decision of both parties as to whether there is a future together, and they have to be for the right reasons, for instance, not just for the kid’s sake. Remember the history you have had together, sometimes 10 or more years, sometimes 30 years of reasonable happiness. Remember, too, what brought you together in the first place.
- Is there any reason why the fundamental friendship that has built up over the years should be broken?
- Do you no longer have a need for each other?
If the answer to either of these is ‘No’, then why break it? Why not instead get a better understand of each other? All married couples should do this, but invariably don’t! Why not talk? Why not try to establish basic rules for living together? Some of these may sound in the favor of the man as, invariably, the gay or bisexual man will not give up his new found sexuality and will need continued contact with other men.
The moment you have Come Out to your wife the ‘Roller Coaster’ will have started. There will be good days, and there will be bad. There will be acceptances and there will be refusals. But if you wish to see your marriage survive, you must give it your best shot and only give up if things are seemingly irreconcilable.
It is also strongly recommended that you both seek counseling. Some do it unofficially through internet groups, some do it through local support groups like GAMMA, the Gay and Married Men’s Association, and some through professional counselors.
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