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 uppose you become aware of your same–sex attraction during the so–called mid–life crisis and you realise that you have not fulfilled all of the things that you feel you should have fulfilled during your early life? What happens next?
For some, if they are brave enough, they will experiment with another man.
Some describe it as being introduced to a candy store and being told that they can have as much as they like. Having started, they cannot stop, and perhaps meet numerous men over a period of several years. Think of the health risks. Perhaps along the way, to add to the complications, they fall in love with one particular guy, and start a relationship. Then what?
Fortunately, many men do stop and give thought after the initial period of excitement and find a way to stabilise, reduce the risks to themselves, to their loved ones and also to think about their marriages. Whatever you decide to do has to be your choice, not the others involved; just you.
 any men who are Gay or bisexual and married have found that there is little or no fulfillment for them as a result of ‘cruising’ for sex, generally through chat lines, the Internet, and other locations. For them, fulfillment is something more than a one or two hour encounter with a total stranger, whose name they do not know and whom they might never meet again. Such encounters can be unsafe, in terms of personal safety and personal health.
To achieve fulfillment, they need to establish a long–term relationship with another man whom they can get to know, to like, and possibly even to love, while at the same time maintaining the love they have for their wife and family.
Sex is therefore only a part of that outside relationship, other key parts being such things as friendship, common interests and with time, history. Such a relationship can provide the married gay or bisexual man with an experience of stability.
How to solve the problem? One solution may be by a Closed Loop arrangement. A Closed Loop, ideally, is an arrangement between a married Gay or bisexual man, his wife, and another man. The other man is normally also married, but occasionally is not. All involved in such an arrangement promise to be faithful to each other, the husband to his wife, and the husband to his male friend. Such an arrangement should be set up with the knowledge and the agreement of the wife (or wives where more than one married man is involved.)
For it to work successfully, it is important that certain rules are agreed upon by all parties. A key foundation for this is good effective communication between each person, and with it, honesty and trust.
For some it works effectively. But it can only work if the wife can accept it. The ideal Closed Loop is easier said than done. Many people striving for such an arrangement have difficulty being 'Out' to their wives. To come 'Out', or not to come 'Out', is a major issue, with accompanying moral and health issues.
 he best way to find someone to love is to stop looking! How many times have you been out searching for a lover and come home alone? Somehow we appear too desperate, too needy and unconsciously we give off signals that turn other people off. I met all the men who have been important in my life when I was least expecting to. Therefore, I was relaxed and able to be myself without worrying what the other person was thinking, how I measured up to his ideals and how he measured up to mine.
The best places to meet a partner are:
- In a Gay Organisation. It does not matter what kind of group it is as long as you are there to do something beyond meeting men for sex. It could be fund–raising for the local Gay switchboard, volunteering to help an AIDS organisation, or joining the Gay outdoors club.
- Any kind of Group! It doesn’t have to be Gay. If you are ‘Out’ it is amazing how many gay people you find in the most unlikely settings.
- Through friends. I am not suggesting that you ask your friends to matchmake for you, but let them know you would like to meet some new people. You are more likely to get on with your friends’ friends than a complete stranger. You will probably have shared values, attributes and interests as well as the shared friend.
There are other well known routes for finding men. Bars and clubs are less neutral and you are therefore less likely to find someone who shares your interests and attitudes. Beats and saunas are the places you are least likely to meet a long–term partner. In some small rural areas a beat might be one of the few places to go, but the people hanging around are most likely to be married or looking for some quick anonymous sex, which is fine if that’s all you want.
The newest way of meeting people is through the Internet. Sitting at your keyboard you can use special bulletin boards or electronic mail to flirt with other computer owners all over the world. There is even a new language of symbols to communicate different feelings. If you have exotic tastes, having the whole universe of Gay men to explore your fantasies with is a great idea. However, computer networking has severe limitations: it is easy for your Romeo to put on a false personality to please you. Conversing with you on his PC he does not have to deal with the ex–lover he is still sharing a house with, who is as jealous as hell of any new man. He can subtract years from his age and add them to his height without you being any the wiser.
Extract from ‘Together Forever? The Gay Guide to Good Relationships’ by Andrew Marshall.
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 ay men start so many relationships it is sometimes difficult to tell which is special and which is just a diversion. It is all too easy to be carried away on a cloud of fantasy. It is important to balance the optimism and excitement of a new relationship with a pinch of realism.
In Victorian times, a man would ask a girl’s parents for her hand in marriage. Her father or guardian would want to find out if the suitor’s intentions were honorable. Your new lover might be making encouraging noises but here are a few questions that will allow you to be your own guardian.
- How ‘Out’ is he? A relationship is a public phenomenon and until someone is 'Out' and honest about his sexuality, it is difficult for him to have a successful relationship. On a deeper level, being secretive about your sexuality could indicate being ashamed and even hating yourself.
- Does he already have a boyfriend/partner? Many men in steady relationships are economical with the truth
- When did his last relationship end? The break–up of an affair is like bereavement. We need to mourn the loss and we need time to recover from the pain. You might feel that you are helping him put his life back together, but if you become involved on the rebound, if he has not worked through all the issues from his previous relationship he will dump them into your new one.
- Are you closing your eyes to anything? We are good at avoiding anything that might spoil the pictures of roses around the door.
- What does he want out of the relationship? This is the most important question to ask yourself. Is he looking to settle down, or is he still playing the field? Why has there never been anybody serious in his life? Do you have similar values? Are you both home bodies? Do you both enjoy exotic holidays? Do not expect to have similar ideas on all the major issues; these are essential issues to address.
- How well do your communicate with each other? If you find yourself telling him things you have never told anybody before, you may be heading down a positive path.
Even if your new man fails one of the ‘guardian’ tests, it is still possible to have a successful relationship, but it is less probable.
You do not have to engage in a long courtship to have a successful partnership, although it could be fun. Allow time, at least, for the two of you to get to know each other, even if it’s just a couple of hours of talking, before you go to bed. This provides space for the more complex process of falling in love to begin, which has a deeper emotional level than falling in lust – which is mainly physical.
Source: ‘Together Forever – The Gay Guide to Good Relationships’ by Andrew Marshall.
 omosexual, Bisexual, Heterosexual, Straight, Gay – are all labels to which many men object to very strongly. It is rather like having a tag attached to your forehead – ‘I am Gay’, ‘I am Bisexual’, ‘I am Straight’, even, ‘I am normal.’ What is normal?
The problem is that labels like this are truly restrictive as sexuality is an infinitely variable thing. Not only that, but it can change within a person. Someone who during a part of their life behaves mainly in a heterosexual manner, can with time, take on homosexual tendencies. It is nor that these tendencies are new to the person concerned, but they have started to emanate, having been suppressed in the past.
We are who and what we are, but we do not always want others, or indeed ourselves, to recognize it.
 e enter into relationships for all sorts of reasons, the not the least being love, friendship and being comfortable with each other. The later can be quite easily destroyed when things start to go wrong.
If a relationship breaks up, this can be devastating for one or both parties. In some ways, it can be worse than the bereavement caused by death. For a start death is final and there is no hope of the relationship being restored in this life.
There are several stages one goes through, in no particular order, and there may be others not mentioned here:
- The bewilderment that it has happened
- The feeling of rejection
- The feeling of unfair treatment
- The grief that it has happened
- The anger that the break–up might have been avoided if only…
- The hope that the relationship might be restored
- The attempt to restore it
- The chaos that follows if it isn’t restored
- The coming to terms with it
- The getting on with life
We all have our own way of coping with such things, but we do need to do it in order to move on with our lives. The important thing is that in time of crisis, you do not have to suffer alone. There are people and organisations, like GAMMA and Relationships Australia, who are there and prepared to support you through difficult times.
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