GAMMA Gabba Newsletter

Volume 2 #6 - November 2006

Contents

Why do Gay Men Marry? Marriage… Another View Coming Out later in Life Where Do I Find a Partner? Safe Gay Online Dating Tips Sauna Etiquette

Learn to Let Go and Flow with Life Don't Argue Heal the Hurt Nail in the Fence Doing your Life

Why do Gay Men Marry?

eople marry for all sorts of reasons but a stereotypical marriage where the male is gay is as follows. The male knows or suspects that he is gay and perhaps has known it ever since he was quite young, some as young as 4 or 5 years old, others at the age of puberty. During his teens, he may have had some sexual activity with his male school friends, probably on a limited scale. However, he has been led to believe by his peers and possibly by his parents that any gay tendencies are a passing phase, part of the growing up process and he will become fully heterosexual in time. He may even have girlfriends at this stage, though perhaps not with any sexual activity. He may drift on through life until he reaches his late 20s or early 30s, or even later, by which time he feels that it is time to settle down, to build a nest. He may meet a girl with whom he feels comfortable, and who is comfortable with him. Stereotypically, she is the type of girl who may not have had much experience with men who she has found intimidating. The gay male, though she may not know he is gay, is possibly less intimidating to her. They get married and consummate their marriage by having a child or children. The gay husband may even quite enjoy having sex with his wife, after all he has convinced himself that he is no longer gay, but a normal heterosexual guy.

Wrong!

Along comes the male menopause, or whatever you care to call it – the trigger could be a period of high stress, such as the threat of redundancy at work, difficulties with the marriage, or some other trigger. Often, it happens by the time the children have grown up and are about to leave the nest. The gay husband wakes up to the fact that he has not fulfilled his true sexuality. Yes, he is still gay, albeit one woman short of being gay. He may start to look around at other men (if he has not always done this, subconsciously). He may start to play around a bit – go to the local gay sauna, visit the odd gay bar or club, venture onto the Internet seeking pictures and friends. The last thing he will do before starting this is to talk to his wife.

Before long, the gay husband has gay partners with whom he meets for casual sex. He may even fall in love with one particular guy, sometimes very much younger than himself. All of the time, he may be putting himself and his wife at risk from sexually transmitted infections, HIV, hepatitis, syphilis and so on. If he has any conscience at this time (and any responsibility) he may well start to visit the local Sexual Health Clinic where he can take anonymous tests. He is relieved to discover that the tests prove negative. Then he tells his wife….

Coming Out to My Wife

It has been ten days since I ‘Came Out’ to my wife. It was something I had been considering for several months, but was terrified she'd leave me once she knew about the feelings I have for other guys. We've been happily married for fifteen years, have a wonderful relationship, an excellent sex life and two incredible children. So why rock the boat? Why not carry on as before? The bi-gay married guys I talk to online all advise me against it. I keep looking for examples of people who have done it and still remained happily married, but there aren't many.

Some time ago we went to see ‘Angels in America’. Both of us were deeply moved and on the way home my wife began crying. I was sure she related our own situation to the movie story-line, but I kept quiet. She knows that on business trips out of town I often go dancing at gay clubs. I've always told her it’s because I can go and dance on my own without having to worry about finding a partner. She knows I have many gay friends and business associates. I was convinced that she must know or suspect something. For the next few days I felt very uneasy.

Last Saturday night the two of us went to dinner at our favorite restaurant. We had a wonderful evening and we began talking about things about each other that irritated us. It all started quite innocently but my wife mentioned that she got upset when I danced without my shirt on at one of the gay dance clubs we go to quite often. She said that she didn't like the thought of guys looking at me. I told here that I did! I explained that seeing other good-looking muscular guys turned me on, that initially I had been very confused about my sexuality, wondering whether I was ‘becoming’ gay, but that in the last year I had realized that it was possible to have a dual orientation, and the fact that I was turned on by guys didn't mean I wasn't turned on by her, or for that matter, other attractive women.

Both of us ended up crying. Earlier in the day we had taken one of our sons to see the Quilt Project here in Sydney, and now my wife sobbed that she didn't want to have to see my name on the Quilt, and then realizing the consequences added that she didn't want her name on it either. She told me that she knew that she couldn't stop me from being myself, but that if I was going to have sex with guys I should consider all the implications, especially AIDS. I promised that I would never indulge in unsafe sex, a promise I intend to keep.

We talked the whole night, and eventually fell asleep as the sun rose. All day Sunday there was a sense of tension in the air. We really didn't talk much about what we are thinking or feeling. On Sunday night our lovemaking was more passionate than I can ever remember. Afterwards we talked about what we could do. Ignore it and go on? Go for therapy? We both knew one thing; that we did not want to be apart. We wanted to find a way to make our marriage work, while acknowledging the fact that one of us is bisexual, and the other is straight.

I asked if she had ever suspected anything. She told me that she hadn't, that she had always trusted me and I'd never given her cause not to trust me.

On Monday I went to one of the local gay bookstores and stocked up on books that dealt with married men coming out to their wives. Both of us began reading, and we both got very depressed. There were not too many success stories. A few days later, my wife stopped reading them; it was really getting way too heavy for her. I've continued reading and I share the positive information with her.

I don't know what the future holds for us. I do know that at the moment we are much closer as a result of my honesty. Both of us are making an effort to LISTEN to each other, to take care of each other and not take each other for granted. Hopefully, we will find a way for both of us to feel fulfilled. One thing we are doing is talking about our feelings, spending more time on our own, without the kids and friends, just the two of us.

I thank God that the woman I feel in love with is as understanding as this. That, as the slogan goes, she can be straight without being narrow. We've always told our children that a person’s sexual orientation was of no consequence to us, that we loved people irrespective of whether they were straight or gay. The events of the last few days have proved the truth of that statement.

Unfortunately, my brother and father aren't quite as ‘gay friendly’ and I'm still dealing with how to tell them about the REAL me. They need to know, because once they realize that it’s part of their family, perhaps they will become less homophobic.

The thought of coming Out of the closet was so scary. The thought of remaining imprisoned in it was far worse. For me, it was the right thing to do.

Source: Gay Stories: ‘Coming Out’.

Marriage… Another View

hen I was a teenager I was attracted to other guys. When I went away to college I was ashamed of my attraction and strove diligently to be attracted to women. I really wanted a relationship and wanted to be loved and to love another person in ‘that special way’. I dated women but was sexually attracted to men

When I was 20 I feel in love with a woman and at 21, we got married. I hoped my attraction for men would just sort of drift away or stop completely. I struggled for 14 years in this marriage and had two children. I tried and tried and tried to be happy in my marriage, but the underlying fact was that I was Gay….period.

I really tried to be straight, but it just wouldn't work. Finally, after years of struggling and a lot of counseling and therapy, we decided it was best to end the marriage. So, we decided it was best to end the marriage. So, from personal experience, I can honestly say that one does NOT CHOOSE one’s sexual orientation.. It’s not a choice. It just is. No one, I don't care how vehement they are, can ever convince me that it is a choice to go through the hell that I did. I wouldn't choose to be gay, if it was a choice. I'd much rather live the single life and not have to defend myself against boneheads and bigots.

I couldn't and I suggest that no one really can choose their sexual orientation. I'm happy to say now that my ex-wife continues to be a good friend and is supportive of my relationship with another man. My children love me (in fact, my sixteen year old lives with my partner and I). My family of origin hasn't rejected me and I have a strong spiritual life (non Christian). The only people that I have problems with are those who don't even try to understand what I've been through and look at the world through their narrow view that says ‘God hates me’ and that justifies their bigotry and ignorance.

Repeat after me, ‘It’s NOT a choice to be Gay or Straight. It just is!’

Extract from interview…

Source: Gay Stories: Coming Out

Coming Out Later in Life

Stephen's Story

lthough I'm Australian, I can't say that my experience has been all that different from that of many others.

I finally came Out to myself when I was 25/26 and to other people when I was about 27. To say that it was a difficult fear-filled experience would be an understatement.

Why it took me so long, I guess there were many reasons. Firstly, I was brought up as a Catholic. I went to Catholic schools all my life where there was little taught about sex, and most of that was ‘naughty, naughty stuff, wait ‘til you're married’ sort of stuff. I had little understanding of sexuality or sex, and no role models to speak of. The city I grew up in – Wollongong – is very working class and yobbo-macho. No poofters there! At least that’s the way it seemed.

When I was in High school I was picked on just about every day by the other boys, verbal and physical abuse and harassment continued for years. They called me a ‘poofter’, even thought I didn't quite understand then what it meant. All I knew was that poofters got bashed (like I did) and killed, and that everyone thought they were disgusting perverts, etc. The local media never helped either. Wollongong is a working class town and all the local media ever wrote about homosexuals were stories where they could include the word Paedophiles or Perverts in big headlines.

At fifteen, just as my sexuality was starting to take hold, I came up with a grand scheme to do away with all these confusing emotions and I became very religious. You see, Catholic priests took vows of celibacy – so that was my answer. I was going to be a priest. Then I didn't have to discuss my sexuality at all. I also joined a pretty fundamentalist youth group; that didn't help either. So I suppressed it and hid my sexuality away, deep, deep away. By the time I was eighteen I was moving fast from the religious phase and University became my next vehicle of sublimation. Yes, I got distinctions and high distinctions with veritable ease as I didn't have much else to think about. I learned Sign Language and within a year I was teaching and interpreting it… amazing. I didn't have much else to do. I masturbated like a jackhammer night and day and fantasized about the men I'd met, but assumed that when I reached an appropriate age all of a sudden I would change. Ha, ha, ha. Occasionally while at Uni I saw adverts for a Gay Society on campus. I thought about joining and it turned me on so much that it scared me. I never went. That was for poofters and I wasn't one of those limp-wristed perverts. Seems I learnt too well in high school.

After I finished my undergrad degree and started on a Masters and a research job, I started opening up. I got interested in Drama and writing. I started going to parties and began experimenting with drugs and different types of music. I even tried the ‘sex thing’ with a few women but whenever they were snogging me on their lounge I was secretly eyeing off their male flatmates or brothers. Nope, that wasn't right for me. The longest I sustained a relationship was about three weeks.

When I was 25 I met a Gay man, ‘Terry’. He didn't try to bonk me, but he did talk openly and honestly about his life and what he liked to do with men. I was astonished and turned on like never before. He made me confront myself and think about my sexuality. Before long I could look in a mirror and admit that I was probably Gay, but I was still repressed. Yes, I was Gay but was I going to do anything about it? No! Was I going to tell anyone else? No!

After this I went into months, years of depression by denying my sexuality and hiding away from life. I was suicidal. I wouldn't talk to anyone. I dropped out of drama and nearly lost my research job. I hid from most of my friends. I realized I had to accept myself and come Out properly. Looking in the mirror wasn't enough; it was the mirror hanging onto the inside of the closet door.

Sometimes it takes death to affirm the desire for life, and my uncle’s death in New Zealand confirmed this. It was a very sad funeral and it got me thinking as well. When my parents died who was going to comfort me? When I died who was going to mourn me? I was twenty seven and time to start working on those hidden parts of my life. The next week I came back to the campus and saw an advert in the Uni newspaper for the campus gay group. I went and saw them the very next day, and as far as I'm concerned the real ‘Coming Out’ started then and there, when I was 27.

I felt it difficult to adjust to the life stream. The few boyfriends/relationships I've had haven't been particularly successful. Like many others have said, I'm a mental adolescent trapped in a grown man’s body. My psycho-sexuality had been stomped on and buried when I was 14 or 15. I've spent the last two years endeavoring to undo all that damage. I'm trying to live with other people again which is very difficult as I lived alone for seven years. I'm trying to trust people again; again very difficult as I haven't had an intimate/close friend for years. In an endeavor to get on with my life I moved out of that flat in Wollongong and moved closer to the gay nightlife of Sydney, leaving the old ghosts of my past behind for a while. I moved in with four other people, a shock to the system that’s taken me the past six months to adjust to. I'm starting to assert myself now, whereas in the past I've cared very little about myself. I still suffer from depression and have bad days, but I'm surprised at how many good days I have.

Now, 29, I feel I have enough self-confidence to start dating and doing all the things that my friends did when they were teenagers. I still feel bitter about the lost time, although in some ways it was never lost. Over the years I've achieved a lot, in all but one area. Now it’s time to fix that!

There is, of course, much more to my story, about other reasons, influences and events that have been significant. Hopefully, this story will show why I didn't come out earlier in life and it may help others struggling with their orientation.

Source: Gay Stories: Coming Out

Where Do I Find a Partner?

By Andrew Marshall

s ironic as it sounds, the best way to find someone to love is to stop looking!

How many times have you been out searching for a lover and come home alone? Somehow we appear too desperate, too needy and unconsciously give off signals that turn other people off. I met all the men who have been important in my life when I was least expecting to. Therefore, I was relaxed and able to be myself without worrying what the other person was thinking, how I measured up to his ideals and how he measured up to mine. Many couples find that love ‘took them by surprise’, their defenses were down and they were open with their feelings. If you have now decided to stop looking for Mr. Right, how could you, too, be ambushed by love? The places to meet a partner are:

• In a Gay organization. It does not matter what kind of group it is as long as you are all there to do something beyond meet men and have sex. It could be fund-raising for the local gay switchboard, volunteering to help an AIDS organization or joining a gay outdoors group. The choice depends on your own interests, but while you are enjoying yourself or helping others you will begin to relate to the people you meet, rather than just lining up a sexual partner. Even if you do not find anyone special you'll make friends, raise money, help others and have wonderful thighs from all the long country walks.
• Any kind of group. It doesn't have to be gay. If you are ‘Out’ it is amazing how many gay people you find in the most unlikely settings. The oldest and most hackneyed piece of advice that agony aunts give their readers is to take up a new interest, or join an evening class – with good reason for you will meet plenty of new people, some of whom will be gay.
• Through friends. I am not suggesting that you ask your friends to match-make for you, but let them know you would like to meet some new people. You are more likely to get on with your friends’ friends than a complete stranger. You will probably have shared values and attitudes as well as the shared friend.
• Through courage. How many times have you been going to work or out shopping, with sex the last thing on your mind, when you suddenly spotted somebody really cute? He smiled at you and you smiled back but neither of you did anything about it. To judge by the personal columns, it happens all the time. ‘No 525 bus to Strathfiled. You sat next to me. Smiled as I got off. Get in touch.’ This is just one example from four columns of adverts. Next time you are in a similar position say ‘Hello’, be courageous, who knows what will happen? I once interviewed a couple who met in a traffic jam on the Pacific Highway! The crucial difference between chance meetings and being out cruising is that when you are out looking for sex the subtle connections I have described are overwhelmed.

There are other well-known routes for finding men. Bars and clubs are less neutral and you are therefore less likely to find someone who shares your interests and attitudes. Beats and saunas are the places you are least likely to meet a long-term partner. In some rural areas, a beat might be one of the few places to go, but the people hanging around are most likely to be married, or looking for some quick anonymous sex, which is fine if that’s all you want.

Contact ads and telephone dating are popular and lots of people advertise for someone special: ‘Ruggedly handsome sailor/swimmer seeks first mate for much more than a one-night cruise.’ Once again I have friends who have found lovers in this way, but my experience is that most enjoy a boost to their ego from receiving the letters and having plenty of fun dates but nothing seems to come of it. This is because you find out enough about your potential ‘first mate’ to start fantasizing, but not enough to get to know them. I can almost picture the golden sunset as the couple in the advert skim over the ocean to ‘happy-ever after’, and I expect everyone who replied to the advertisement could, too. The danger with contact adverts is that you build a mountain of expectations that prevent you from communicating properly when you meet.

The modern way of meeting people is through the Net or computer networking. Sitting at your keyboard you can use special bulletin boards or electronic mail to flirt with other computer owners all over the world. There is even a special language of symbols to communicate feelings. If you have exotic tastes, having the whole universe of gay men to explore your fantasies with is a great idea. However, computer networking has severe limitations; it is easy for your Romeo to put on a false personality to please you. Conversing with you on his PC he does not have to deal with the ex-lover he is still sharing a house with, who is as jealous as hell of any new man. He can subtract years from his age and add them to his height without your being any the wiser.

Imagine Your Ideal

Take a moment today to vividly imagine the very best that life can be for you. Create within your powerful and influential imagination a dream that for you will be difficult to deny.

If you could have things exactly as you want, exactly how would that be, how would that look? If you could spend your time in precisely the way you want, precisely how would that be?

Don't be overly concerned about how you could possibly achieve what you want, or even whether it is realistic. Just let yourself imagine the best that life can be for you. When you come up against difficulties or challenging circumstances, fondly and vividly recall that cherished goal or dream. See it as already achieved. It won't change the situation, but it will change you.

You can deal with anything if you have something to look forward to. Fondly imagine the best life can be for you, see your dreams/goals as already achieved, and this will positively influence your thoughts, feelings, your energy and your actions.

Over time, in ways you can't anticipate, it will have an influence, no matter how outrageous or unrealistic your dream/s may be. Over time, the essential essence or substance of what you imagined cannot help but come true

How Do I Know If I Have Found Mr. Right?

Gay men start so many relationships it is sometimes difficult to tell which is special and which just a diversion. It is all too easy to be carried away on a cloud of fantasy within two minutes of meeting someone your mind is conjuring up a gay version of the Kodak advert family, and you have not only decided what kind of dog you'll buy, but you're picking out names for its puppies. The danger with such fantasies is that more often than not you end up disappointed and bitter - two of the least attractive human qualities. I doubt this contact advertiser had many replies; ‘Is it a crime to love? Does it necessarily constitute an invasion of privacy? Is it naïve to want to be loved? Did I ask too much? Anybody? Any answers?’ If you are giving off these vibrations I doubt you will meet many interesting men either. It is important to balance the optimism and excitement of a new relationship with a pinch of realism.

In Victorian times, a man would ask a girl’s parents for her hand in marriage. Her father or guardian would want to find out if the suitor’s intentions were honorable. Your new lover might be making encouraging noises but here are a few questions that will allow you to be your own guardian.

• How ‘Out’ is he? A relationship is a public phenomenon and until someone is out and honest about his sexuality, it is difficult for him to have a successful relationship. If his mother does not know he is gay, do you really want to have to move out all your clothes and possessions, and hide every time she visits? I had a friend who had not told his parents that he was gay and was secretive about his boyfriend. It reached farce-like proportions after my friend invited his lover to move into his home. If this ‘unofficial partner’ was alone in the house he was not allowed to answer the phone in case he was discovered. I had to let the phone ring three times, hang up and then call back before the boyfriend was permitted to pick up the phone. Needless to say, they are no longer together. On a deeper level, being secretive about your sexuality is being ashamed and even hating yourself. Not a recipe for love.
• Does he already have a boyfriend/partner? Many men in steady relationships cheat on the side. He might be economical with the truth because he is ashamed of what he is doing, or because he wants to keep you interested. Even if he is upfront and tells you he is in an open relationship, just like a married man he is unlikely to leave his partner and settle down with you.
• When did his last relationship end? The break-up of an affair is like bereavement. We need to mourn the loss and we need time to recover from the pain. You might feel that you are helping him put his life back together, but if you become involved on the rebound, if he has not worked through all the issues from his previous relationships he will dump them into your new one.
• Are you closing your eyes to anything? We are good at avoiding anything that might spoil the picture of roses round the door. Another friend told me about the wonderful new man in his life and proudly showed me a collage of photos he had made. It sounded extremely promising but it was only weeks later when he was about to rip the pictures out of their frame that he confessed the whole story: the ex-lover had abused drink and had a wife who lived in the flat upstairs. He admitted that he had known this all along but had chosen to ignore it.

Continued next column

Continued from previous column

• What does he want out of the relationship? This is the most important question to ask yourself. Is he looking to settle down, or is he still playing the field? Why has there never been anybody serious in his life? Do you have similar values? Are you both home bodies? Do you both enjoy exotic holidays? Do you expect to have similar ideas on all the major issues, for the more you agree on, the better the chance of the relationship working?
• How well do you communicate with each other? If you find yourself telling him things you have never told anybody before you know you're on to a winner.

Even if your new man fails one of the ‘guardian’ tests, it is still possible to have a successful relationship, but it is less probable. Your love could help him come out of the closet, or he might split up with his lover and sell their gorgeous home. I have met people who defy the odds and who win through. It is also possible to communicate fantastically well but discover that you have met a new friend rather than a lover. There are no hard and fast rules for relationships – think of my six guardian questions as indicators.

You do not have to engage in a long courtship to have a successful partnership, although it could be fun? Allow time, at least, for the two of you to get to know each other, even if it’s just a couple of hours of talking, before you go to bed. This provides space for the more complex process of falling in love to begin, which has a deeper emotional level than falling in lust – which is mainly physical.

Extracts from ‘Together Forever? The Gay Guide to Good Relationships’ by Andrew Marshall.

Safe Gay Online Dating Tips

TIP #1: Crawl Before You Walk

Take things very slow when chatting online. Take your time to get to know the person and ask as many detailed questions as possible before committing to a meet. Sometimes, the person on the other end of the Chat-room may NOT be who they say they are. Watch for inconsistencies or strange behavior. If you see any warning signs or just have a bad feeling about the situation, don't continue to chat with the person. It’s better to be safe than sorry!

TIP #2: Protect Your Identity and Personal Information

For your own protection, never disclose any personal information that a stranger could use to possibly take advantage of you. It’s not necessary to always use a false name, but be weary of giving out your address, place of work or other sensitive information.

TIP #3: Leave a Trail

We all go on blind dates and an occasional anonymous trick. In most cases things go well, or at least, safety–wise. However, it only takes one incident to put you in danger. Should something unforeseen happen, you can greatly assist the proper authorities by leaving a log of where you're going, or telling a good friend the exact location of your trip. This may seem cumbersome or over–protective, but a few seconds of time is well worth your safety.

TIP #4: Get a Photo

Prior to meeting, be sure to get a photo of your date. Ask as many detailed questions about the picture as possible, including the date it was taken. Save the picture in an accessible place on your computer. You can always delete it later if his psycho rating is extremely low.

TIP #5: Talk on the Phone First

There’s nothing wrong with having a conversation before meeting blindly. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they communicate. You don't have to be psychic to get a bad feeling after the conversation or to realize that you may not be a good match after all.

TIP #6: Meet in a Public Place

Picking a mutually comfortable meeting place alleviates tension and gives you an ‘out’ if you feel safety might be an issue. Endeavour to find a place where you can have a conversation, preferably with a lot of people in the immediate area.

TIP #7: Make an Escape Route

In the rare case your date may follow you home or attempt to harm you, take a route different from your routine or meet at a location away from your home.

TIP #8: Know His Sexual History

The best way to protect your health is to know the status of your sexual partner. Remember, there is an epidemic of Sexually Transmissible Infection raging. HIV, Syphilis, Gonorrhoea, etc., are still with us. Keep in mind that for numerous reasons many men lie about their HIV status. Many have been rejected when they've disclosed their positive status to a potential new partner. Some warning signs are refusal to answer the questions: ambiguity about the date of their last STI tests, about the number of partners they've been with, and willingness to have sex without a condom, among others.

Sauna Etiquette

hen visiting a sauna or bathhouse certain basic principles should be kept in mind. Guys are there primarily to get laid and horny men can be beasts. However, a little common sense and courtesy can make the experience for you more pleasant.

As with any social situation you should treat others as you would like them to treat you, even if you wish to be treated like a pig. Remember boys, pieces of meat have feeling too.

Here are some tips on sauna etiquette.

• Make your intentions clear. When face–to–face with Mr. Hunk acting flustered, fearful and aloof will be counter productive. Establishing eye contact is a good first step. A smile works wonders too. A butch sounding ‘How ya doin’?’ can also help things along. You know all those endless parades of horny guys circling the corridors; if they'd just relax and act approachable for a second they might connect and be able to get off their feet. Sure, after the fourth or fifth ‘No Thanks’ things might be discouraging, but let’s be nice to ourselves. It’s not that we're objectively unattractive; it’s that we're not his type. OK?
• Consider the direct approach. When roaming around wearing nothing but a towel, what good is pretending you don't want to get laid? Extended flirting has its strong points but overdoing the ‘eye contact, turn–and–cruise some more’ routine can result in Mr. Hunk vanishing into the arms (and room) of another. Once promising eye contact has been made it’s appropriate to decrease the distance between bodies. If one’s chosen sex object doesn't make the first move, then it’s time to sidle up to him, close enough to be unambiguous, yet far enough away to permit escape. If his eyes disconnect and he strolls away, then he’s changed his mind. Now’s not the time to let your self–confidence go limp. Just keep repeating this mantra: ‘I'm too good for him, anyway!’
• Don't act like stalker. Sure, some of us want a little persuading, but nobody likes to be harassed. Once turned down, just accept the bad news gracefully. Mr. Hunk might change his mind later, but chasing him around the corridors is more likely to irritate him: take the hint and move on.
• Don't be a jerk. If someone utterly unattractive comes onto you, don't react as if it’s a personal affront. Being approached by someone you find substandard is never a judgment of you. Be nice; don't treat him like dirt. A graceful ‘No Thanks’, and maybe a smile, will make both parties feel better about the encounter. Acting rude will just keep everyone away, including Mr. Hunk.
• Consider using touch to communicate. Ambiguous situations can be resolved in an instant. A smile and an outstretched hand will do the job too; not towards the target crotch, unless of course, it’s already pointed firmly in your direction. (Not everyone like their rig grabbed like the last slice of pizza). It’s better to stroke a neutral spot, like his chest. If he pulls away, you can gracefully smile an unhurt smile and retreat. If he stays put, his nipple is just an inch away….
• Don't barge in. Two guys getting off might like to make it a three–way, or they may not. The polite cruiser waits for a signal before he joins in. A word, a nod, or a welcoming movement will indicate their interest for you to join them. Greed is never pretty.

Remember, etiquette varies from sauna to sauna, sex club to sex club, etc.. Taking a moment to assess the terrain can be wise as long as you don't reconnoiter all night. After all, the whole idea of being there is to get laid, and to have a pleasant time doing so.

Learn to Let Go and Flow with Life

By Bill Ferguson

etting go is the key to being effective in life and in relationships.

At any moment, your life is exactly the way it is. You are the way you are and the people in your life are exactly they way they are. This is true whether you like it or not.

When you fight and resist the way your life is, and how it may become, you create a state of fear and upset that destroys your effectiveness and almost always makes your situation worse.

You close down inside. You get tunnel vision and lose your ability to see clearly. You then interact is a way that destroys love and creates opposition and resistance against yourself.

To handle a situation, you need action, not resisting.

Resisting destroys love and keeps you from seeing the action that you need to take. If you could let go of your resisting, you would restore your peace of mind and your ability to see clearly. You could then take the action you need to effectively handle your situation.

‘Letting Go’ is the inner action that removes the resisting which in turn releases the fear and upset. The moment you let go, everything seems to change. With the fear and upset gone, you become creative and able to discover solutions you could never have seen before.

To see how this works, let’s look at the nature of fear.

Fear is created by avoiding and resisting a future possible event. For example, let’s say that you are married and that you are resisting the possibility of your spouse leaving. The more you resist this future possible event, the greater your fear.

As the fear increases, so does the chance of your fear coming true. You become threatened and hang on even more. This in turn pushes your spouse further and further away. By avoidance and resisting this future possible event, you create a state of fear and upset that tends to bring you the very event you are avoiding. This is the nature of fear.

To have a fear lose its power, you need to do the opposite of resisting you need to be willing to let the fear happen. You don't have to like it; and you don't have to sit around and do nothing. You just have to be willing.

Letting go is strictly a state of mind and is totally separate from your actions. Letting go is what removes the fear and upset so that you can see what action works.

For example, in your heart, be willing to lose your spouse. But in your actions, do everything you can to create an environment where he would never want to leave.

Managing Difficult Situations.

Communicating effectively is critical to handling a difficult situation.

The trick with effective communication is that all things being equal, communication is pretty straight forward. But things are rarely equal! How successfully do you achieve important outcomes when opinions differ and emotions and stakes are high? I've repeatedly noticed that many people don't take on the tough issues or don't handle them well. Even worse, handle them in a way that damages their relationships.

The following points are a few tips to help you in dialogue when your body wants to ‘flight or fight’ but your head knows that you need to stay and talk to achieve what you really want.

• A couple of simple questions to start. It serves to destabilize your emotional rollercoaster.
  1. What do I really want for me and for the other person/people?
  2. If I was committed to achieving this end, would I be behaving in this way? If not, how would I behave?
• A lack of safety is the major killer for dialogue. Look out for signs that trust has gone, disconnection has started and fear of some type is creeping in. Most people know when this is happening for themselves or for the other person.
• Make it safe by backing out of the conversation and finding mutual respect and mutual purpose. How can you respect the other person and focus on what is the shared outcome you both want?
• Learn to make the distinction between what is Fact (i.e., what actually was said or done or is the true issue) and what is the story you have made up or meaning you have given to this/the fact. Learn to state both for what they are. For example, a person doesn't return your call when they said they would – FACT – and you have decided this means they have decided to go elsewhere – MEANING or STORY. What other meanings or stories can you think of that could be sourced in this fact?

Of course, this is just the beginning. If you want to know more, I can thoroughly recommend you read Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High that specifically deals with this topic. These points are from the book.

Don't Argue

By Bill Ferguson

rguments can cause serious damage in a relationship

They destroy the experience of love and make people defensive. They create distance and dramatically escalate the cycle of conflict.

Fortunately, arguments can easily be avoided. Once you become aware of how they work, you can stop an argument before it does much damage.

To see how an argument works, look at the following situation:

Jennifer says something to Bob that strikes a nerve. Instantly Bob is threatened. He can't just hear what Jennifer has to say. He has to fight it. He has to get rid of the threat.

He then tells Jennifer that she is wrong or that she doesn't know what she’s talking about. He does whatever he can to make her communication go away. This in turn strikes a nerve in Jennifer. She gets upset and puts up her walls of protection. Without thinking, she raises her voice and uses force to get her point across.

Bob then becomes more threatened and fights her communication more forcefully than before. He couldn't care less about what Jennifer has to say. He is only interested in eliminating the threat and getting her to hear his point of view. He then tries to force his communication on Jennifer.

Of course, Jennifer isn't interested in what he has to say. She is only interested in getting her point of view across. Both Jennifer and Bob enter into a form of tug-of-war. Both are trying to push their opinion on the other but no one is listening.

This is the nature of an argument. Nothing gets resolved and everyone gets upset. The cycle of conflict grows and people become more and more distant.

Take a moment and look at the arguments in your life. Notice that neither one of you are listening to the other and both of you are getting upset. Notice the damage that this does to your relationship.

If you want to avoid arguments in your life, you can. The key is very simple. Stop talking and listen. It takes two people to have an argument. It only takes one to end it.

Listen to the other person’s communication and hear it from his point of view. Look for the fear and hurt that is behind the words. Be interested in what the person has to say. You don't have to like what the person says, or agree with it. Just hear it.

By listening to what the other person has to say, you take away his resistance against your communication. You then create an environment where the other person can hear what you have to say. Once both of you have said everything you need to say, you can start looking for solutions. Until you get each other’s communication, finding solutions is almost impossible.

So stop arguing and listen.

Heal the Hurt

By Bill Ferguson

ealing your hurt restores your peace of mind.

There are two steps in the healing process. The first step is to be willing to feel your hurt like a child. This releases the emotion. The second step is to find and dismantle the inner mechanism that creates your hurt in the first place.

When you were born you were created with the natural ability to heal hurt. Just look at little children. Little children are masters at healing hurt. When a child feels hurt, the child cries. Then, after the child finishes crying, the hurt is all gone.

Little children are able to release their hurt because they do something that we don't notice. They feel their hurt willingly. This allows the hurt to run its course. It comes and then it goes. This is the natural process for healing hurt. As you allow yourself to feel your hurt willingly like a child, your hurt goes away.

Unfortunately, we have been taught to do the opposite. Instead of feeling our hurt willingly like a child, we have been taught to fight our hurt. ‘Big boys don't cry. If you want something to cry about, I'll give you something to cry about.’

You soon learn to avoid your hurt. This then circumvents the natural healing process. Instead of flowing with the hurt and letting it go, you fight the hurt and keep it inside. You try to push the hurt away, but you can't. The hurt isn't outside of you, its inside. So, in your attempt to push the hurt away, you actually push the hurt deeper inside.

You suppress your hurt. You then spend the rest of your life running from this hurt. But no matter what you do, you can't get away from it. You will continue to experience these feelings whether you like it or not.

As long as you have this hurt, it will get triggered. Your only choice us to feel it willingly like a child or to feel it unwillingly. When you feel you're hurt unwillingly, the hurt turns into pain and stays.

When you feel your hurt willingly like a child, the hurt runs its course and disappears.

To see this in your life, find a time when you were hurt and you allowed yourself to cry. Then, after you cried your last tear, you felt a wonderful freedom. This is a time when you felt your hurt willingly.

So feel your hurt willingly like a child. Keep telling yourself, ‘It’s OK to feel the hurt. It’s OK. Let the hurt come and let it go. Cry as hard as you can. Crying is the most powerful tool for releasing hurt.

If you feel the hurt but there aren't any tears, fake it. Fake the tears and get into the emotion. This can be just as effective as feeling the real tears. Reach in and grab all the hurt you can. Exaggerate the hurt and feel it fully.

You may notice certain thoughts as you cry. ‘Why did he do this?’ ‘Why can't he love me’? The thoughts guide your crying. Cry each thought. Then move to the next one. Let the hurt take over. Feel the hurt of your circumstances and the deeper hurt of feeling worthless, not worth loving, a failure and not good enough.

It’s not the truth that you are this way; it’s just a hurt, but it’s a hurt that we'll do almost anything to avoid feeling. ‘If I really am worthless, I might as well die.’ Notice how painful it would be if you really were this way. Notice how much you have avoided this hurt. This is the hurt that runs your life.

Subconsciously, anything that triggers this hurt becomes a serious threat. Instantly, you become full of fear and upset. You get tunnel vision and lose your ability to see clearly. All you can do is fight, resist, hang on and withdraw. This hurt is responsible for all your suffering and all your self-sabotaging behavior

Nail in the Fence

here once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he was to hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

At the end of the first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive nails into the fence.

Finally, the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and his father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, ‘You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same again. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say, ‘I'm sorry’, the wound is still there.’ A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.’

‘Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.’

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You get old because you stop laughing.

Doing Your Life

By Michael Neill

'You are creating your next moment. That is what’s real’
~~ Sarah Paddison

ne of the big debates amongst new age philosophers, religious fundamentalists and traditional psychologists is to what extent people create their own reality.

At one end of the debate are those people who believe that we create 100% of our reality, from the horrors of 9/11 to the thrill of winning the lottery and everything in between. Since we are creating our reality through our thoughts, words, and actions, the most important thing for us to do is to be vigilant in choosing what we thing, say and do.

At the other end are people who believe in absolute karma, fate or destiny. Since everything is preordained, there’s no point in trying to change anything (but if you do succeed in changing anything; that was pre-ordained too). According to these philosophies, it doesn't particularly matter what we think, say or do. Our job is simply to be who we are, do what we so and enjoy the ride.

Having spent the past eighteen years or so exploring spiritual philosophy while practicing and teaching practical psychology I have settle on a useful distinction somewhere between the two extremes:

We are creating 100% of our experience of reality, moment by moment by moment.

In other words, whether or not we are the creators of our reality, we are absolutely the creators of our experience of that reality. Regardless of what is going on with you right now, you can enhance the quality of your experience (and therefore the quality of your life) by making different choices in this very moment.

If we are experiencing an area of our life as easy, joyful, meaningful and productive, that’s because we're ‘doing’ ease, joy, meaning and productivity.

If we are experiencing an area of our life as hard, problematic and filled with suffering, it’s because in that moment we are ‘doing’ hard, ‘doing’ problems and ‘doing’ suffering.