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“ ell, it was really nice meeting you, bud, but I don’t really think we’re a match. Good luck to you though!” or “Yeah, it was fun! I’ll call you!” …and then the call never comes.
Sound familiar? We’ve all been there at one time or another. You know that stabbing feeling of being unwanted that’s so hard to shake when it strikes. Yep – rejection! Rejection in all forms is a natural part of being human, from being declined for a job or being refused participation in a certain club. But as a single guy on a quest for a life partner, rejection is an inescapable given in the dating world as you search for a compatible counterpart. There is no way around it!
Now in this article, I’m not going to sugar-coat things and say ‘just get over it’ or ‘it’s his loss if he doesn’t want to date you’. This type of common advice minimizes the impact rejection really has. The truth of the matter is that rejection sucks! It hurts, it’s no fun, and it can be difficult to swallow at times. But while rejection can be a nasty experience, it is a fact of life that needs to be accepted and embraced in order to survive and triumph over its effects. There’s no easy formula for overcoming the fear of rejection, but what’s offered here are some tips for making the most of it and taking on a new perspective to help you forage on and prevent it from holding you back from accomplishing your relationship goals and dreams.
Why Rejection Hurts
Growing up gay in a homophobic society poses many challenges as we face our developmental tasks and build an identity. As gay men, most of us carried boat-loads of shame and fears of not being accepted for who we were as we grew up (and a lot of us still struggle with these issues as adults) because of the messages from society that said being gay is bad.
This prejudice and discrimination, coupled with the fear of not being accepted, can lead to extra-hypersensitivity when any kind of rejection is perceived. This can be even more pronounced for those men who experienced banishment from their families or suffered some type of trauma or abuse for being gay. Low self-esteem, the tendency to have a strong need for approval and to define one’s self-image around what others think of you can be additional culprits in making rejection seem insurmountable.
The Costs Are High!
For some single gay men, the fear of rejection acts as a huge barrier against their claiming one of their most desired goals – a loving relationship. This fear can manifest itself in giving up on dating, isolating oneself, avoiding risks that could result in positive life changes, a tendency to become desperate, needy, clingy, and a people-pleaser. Then there’s all the negative, pessimistic thinking, anxiety, potential to become co-dependent, fear of commitment, and presenting a false self to avoid exposing oneself and being vulnerable, which then leads to intimacy deficits, decreased social confidence, and sometimes it reaches dangerous depths of turning to things such as alcohol/drugs and sex to self-medicate against those feelings. The list goes on – yuck!
Consider: What does rejection mean to you? What are some of the losses and negative consequences you’ve endured as a result of your fear of rejection, if any?
A Mental Shift is Required
A new mindset is mandatory for conquering the negative effects of a fear of rejection in the dating world. Most struggles with rejection stem from your self-talk, the chatter we all have going on in our heads all the time. What you think affects how you feel which affects how you act, and then they all interrelate with each other. You can create a self-fulfilling prophecy that if you expect rejection; it’ll turn out that way. A lot of our fears of being ‘dismissed’ come from such cognitive distinctions (negative thoughts traps) as catastrophizing (blowing things out of proportion) and mind-reading (making unfounded assumptions). You can certainly miss out on golden opportunities for meeting Mr. Right if you expend all your energy on your worries and negative thinking, not to mention that your self-esteem will be undermined and you won’t feel comfortable in your own skin.
‘Dating is risky business and not for the faint of heart, but can be a rewarding adventure…’
Your job is to identify which thoughts help vs. hinder your cause; capitalize on those that boost your confidence and motivate you, and work at defeating those negative thoughts that keep you trapped in vicious cycles of self-defeat. Replace those negative tapes with more affirming statements; this will take a lot of consistent practice to internalize the new messages and counter the old ones that form your beliefs. Another option is to create situations for yourself that will prove your old negative beliefs wrong by demonstrating to yourself that you are capable of overcoming anything that acts as an obstacle to your success.
Tips for Coping with Rejection
The following are some ideas to help you reframe the way you think about rejection so it doesn’t seem so unbearable. Your negative beliefs can have a strong hold over you because they’re trying to protect you against perceived threat or harm, so some of these tips might inspire an ‘Oh please!’, or ‘Yeah right!’ attitude. Let your mind be open and pick and choose those that might best fit your personality and style. View any resistance you may feel as an indication that your self-protection mechanisms may have been triggered and refuse to be held victim by them any longer.
- View rejection as a success
The fact that that guy doesn’t want to date you is saving you a lot of time and energy in building something that wouldn’t have worked out anyway. You’ve invested nothing, your heart is safe, and now you can channel your energies into new possibilities.
Typically, rejection has nothing to do with you; it’s a projection of the other person’s wants, needs and life experiences. He doesn’t really know you. All he is aware of is what he saw and what you shared with him about yourself, but that’s not the totality of who you are. It’s more about him. It’s not your fault, so avoid personalizing it and realize also that you are not Mr. Right for every guy you meet and vice versa. Most people you date will not be the right guy for you.
- Avoid attaching yourself to outcomes
Approach every date free from fantasy and as an opportunity to meet someone new. If something works out, then that’s an added bonus. Don’t mould yourself into a relationship just for the sake of being in one. Be the chooser!
- A fear of being alone is closely tied to fear of rejection
The more value you place on someone, the stronger the fear will be, so take the emphasis off of him and find ways to value yourself. Discover ways to be ‘happily single’, independent and don’t put stock in being fulfilled in your life only if you’re in a relationship. Identify your strengths and recognize what makes you a ‘good catch’. Cultivate a positive self-image.
- Build your self-confidence by becoming the best 'You' you can be
Invest in your personal growth, fine-tune your social skills, take safe and calculated risks, enhance your self-esteem and body image, develop a more balanced lifestyle with purposeful goals that will give you meaning. This will help take the focus off the other guy and put it more squarely on you and living your life to the max to where rejection won’t matter as much to you.
Whenever you experience feelings of rejection, write down the thoughts you’re having in a journal and work at correcting any distorted beliefs that may be hurting you. Are you condemning yourself? Are your thoughts reinforcing low self-esteem? How are you contributing to your own feelings of rejection? Develop your own personal list of affirmations that will encourage and affirm you and rehearse them daily.
Most importantly, stop giving emotional power to these men! How do you even know if this guy was really a match for you? Are you projecting? His saying ‘No’ to another date basically means that your personal requirements for a long-term relationship do not appear to match up? It is the traits, not you! And if a rejection occurs over something superficial, you don’t want to be with that person anyway. Superficiality does not equal long-term sustenance in relationships. Overcome your fear of being negatively judged by having a solid grasp on your vision and requirements to operate from that.
Conclusion
While nobody likes to be rejected, remember that it’s all about perception and that you have total control over the way that you think and interpret things; you have no control over the other person. Reframe your experience of rejection in more positive terms, develop a mindset of acceptance to bounce back quickly, and keep centered on your goals and beliefs in your ability to lead a happy life. Dating is risky business and not for the faint of heart, but it can be a rewarding adventure.
Don’t let your fears of rejection paralyze your life; live by the mantra ‘No more missed opportunities’, and remember that the main reason Mr. Right will want to be with you is by you being who you inherently are – that’s why he will fall in love with you and vice versa. So be yourself! Keep an ongoing log of affirmations that resonate with you to help you stay upbeat and centered during those difficult times, and in conclusion, here’s a neat way of looking at rejection.
To build resiliency, you must experience disappointments, rejection and failure and learn that one, you can survive, and two, that sometimes The Universe has a better plan for you than you had for yourself all along.
~ Azriela Jaffe, author of ‘Starting from No! Ten Strategies to Overcome your Fear of Rejection and Succeed in Business.’
 ow many different men have you had sex with in the past six months?
This is a question that is always asked in the gay community periodic survey carried out in all Australian cities by the National Centre in HIV Social Research. When I first came out some ten years ago I felt compelled to overestimate my answer to this question, rather than underestimate it. Certainly, if I’d had a recent trip to Sydney and spent evenings wandering in and out of the many sex-on-premises venues along Oxford Street I would have no doubt that I should tick the category ’11–50 men’ or even the category ‘more than 50 men’. Having lots of sex with lots of men was, and probably still is, a cultural norm. It seemed to me that being a ‘slut’ was something to be proud of, something that you wore as a badge of honor. All these men and all these venues and backrooms and steam rooms and places to have anonymous sex with many other men seemed so wonderful after living most of my life as a married man. Having many sex partners is spoken of as a gay men’s right, as something that is central to gay male culture, as ‘sex positive’. To suggest otherwise is seen to be prudish or being too aligned to heterosexual monogamy. I’m not suggesting that having lots of sexual partners is a bad thing or something that gay culture ought to start moralizing about. What I am suggesting is that the cultural norm of multiple sexual partners is perhaps something that we as gay men need to talk about and perhaps question as a norm.
Recently I read a book that got me thinking about these issues. The book by Gabriel Rotello, titled ‘Sexual Ecology: AIDS and the Destiny of Gay Men’, was written just prior to the arrival of HAART (Highly Active Anti-Retroviral Treatments) in 1996. Rotello argues that HIV had been around for several decades prior to its identification in the early 1980s as the virus that leads to AIDS. Rotello believes that the rapid spread of HIV amongst gay men in major cities around the world in the 1970s was a consequence of a nascent gay male culture of multiple sex partners. The 1970s must have been a fantastic time for gay men. Gay liberation exploded in major cities from June 1969 onwards and the 1970s was a time of sexual liberation for everyone. No one knew of HIV and condoms for gay men were thought to be completely unnecessary. When HIV/AIDS became known of in the early 1980, gay men were most affected and newly formed gay communities defined by sexual liberation undertook one of the most significant behavioral changes in history by adopting condoms and safe sex. However the cultural norm of multiple sex partners continued to be fought for as a gay man’s right. Sexual pleasure through multiple casual sex partners was not something that HIV/AIDS was going to interrupt.
The ‘Condom Code’, as it is described by Rotello, has been very successful in reducing HIV transmission, but in recent years there has been an increase in new diagnoses of HIV, particularly in the bigger Australian cities of Sydney, Melbourne, and Brisbane, as well as major cities overseas. Adelaide has also experienced rises in new diagnoses in recent years. Why? Have gay men grown tired of condoms? Are gay men now thinking that with newer and more tolerable HIV treatments, becoming HIV positive is not such a bad thing and worth the risk of not using condoms? Have HIV-positive and HIV-negative gay men begun to only fuck with men of the same serostatus, behavior that the researchers have called ‘serosorting’? Are more HIV-negative gay men choosing to always be the insertive partner, behavior that the researchers have called ‘strategic positioning’? Rotello argues that the ‘condom code’ is only a technological fix and like all technological fixes is limited by human behavior, especially in the areas of sex, pleasure and desire. Rotello also points out that the ‘condom code’ is focused on preventing the transmission of HIV and not the many other STIs. Interestingly, he predicted an explosion of other STIs amongst gay men such as Gonorrhoea, Syphilis, and Chlamydia and in recent years all of these STIs have made a comeback amongst gay men.
I believe that most gay men want to live within happy, respectful, supported and personally fulfilling relationships, mostly coupled and either open or closed to casual sex with other men. There are many gay men who will continue to want fifty or more casual sex partners in any six-month period, but I believe that for most men this isn’t the case. What we need to be doing is talking about cultural norms of multiple partners and whether this is something that we still want as gay men. I want to re-emphasize that my thoughts are not about moralizing multiple sex partners and the pleasures of casual sex, but are about having conversations with gay men about the cultural norm of multiple sex partners.
Some strategies that I think can facilitate these conversations include:
- Listening to the stories of gay men who have lived through the epidemic and have resisted the norm of multiple partners.
- Listening to young gay men talk about their entry into the gay community and the messages they hear about multiple sex partners.
- Actively supporting the campaign for the recognition of gay relationships. Research in Europe has shown that within those cities where gay relationships are recognized and validated, STI transmission rates have dropped, suggesting a strong link between validated gay relationships and a reduction in multiple sex partners.
- Actively support anti-vilification laws to stop homophobia as a social pressure that serves to invalidate our lives and our sexuality.
Source: Terry Evans, GMH Counselor
Adelaide AIDS Council
By Julia M. Whealin, Ph.D.
 t least 10% of men have suffered from trauma as a result of sexual assault. Like women, men who experience sexual assault may suffer from depression, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and other emotional problems as a result. However, because men and women have different life experiences due to their gender roles, emotional symptoms following trauma can look different in men than they do in women.
Who are the perpetrators of male sexual assault?
Those who sexually assault men or boys differ in a number of ways from those who assault only females.
Boys are more likely than girls to be sexually abused by strangers or by authority figures in organizations such as schools, the church, or athletic programs.
Those who sexually assault males usually choose young men and male adolescents (the average age is 17 years old) as their victims and are more likely to assault many victims compared to those who sexually assault females.
Perpetrators often assault young males in isolated areas where help is not readily available. For instance, a perpetrator who assaults males may pick up a teenage hitchhiker on a remote road or find some other way to isolate his intended victim.
As is true about those who assault and sexually abuse women and girls, most perpetrators of males are men. Specifically, men are perpetrators in about 86% of male victimization cases.
Despite popular belief that only gay men would sexually assault men or boys, most male perpetrators identify themselves as heterosexuals and often have consensual sexual relationships with women.
What are some symptoms related to sexual trauma in boys and men?
Particularly when the assailant is a woman, the impact of sexual assault upon men may be downplayed by professionals and the public. However, men who have early sexual experiences with adults report problems in various areas at a much higher rate than those who do not.
Emotional Disorders
Men and boys who have been sexually assaulted are more likely to suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), other anxiety disorders and depression than those who have never been abused sexually.
Substance Abuse
Men who have been sexually assaulted have a high incidence of alcohol and drug use. For example, the probability for alcohol problems in adulthood is about 80% for men who have experienced sexual abuse, as compared to 11% for men who have never been sexually abused.
Encopresis
One study revealed that a percentage of boys who suffer from encopresis (bowel incontinence) had been sexually abused.
Risk Taking Behavior
Exposure to sexual trauma can lead to risk-taking behavior during adolescence, such as running away and other delinquent behaviors. Having been sexually assaulted also makes boys more likely to engage in behaviors that put them at risk for contracting HIV (such as barebacking – having sex without condoms).
How does male gender socialization affect the recognition of male sexual assault?
- Men who have not dealt with the symptoms of their sexual assault may experience confusion about their sexuality and role as men (their gender roles). This confusion occurs for many reasons. The traditional gender role for men in our society dictates that males be strong, self-reliant and in control. Our society often does not recognize that men and boys can also be victims. Boys and men may be taught that being victimized implies that they are weak and, thus, not a man.
- Furthermore, when the perpetrator of a sexual assault is a man, feelings of shame, stigmatization and negative reactions from others may also result from the social taboos.
Continued next column
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Continued from previous column
- When the perpetrator of a sexual assault is a woman, some people do not take the assault seriously, and men may feel as though they are unheard and unrecognized as victims.
- Parents often know very little about male sexual assault and may harm their male children who are sexually abused by downplaying or denying the experience.
What impact does gender socialization have upon men who have been sexually assaulted?
Because of their experience of sexual assault, some men attempt to prove their masculinity by becoming hyper-masculine. For example, some men deal with their experience of sexual assault by having multiple female sexual partners, or engaging in dangerous ‘macho’ behaviors to prove their masculinity. Parents of boys who have been sexually abused may inadvertently encourage this process.
Men who acknowledge their assault may have to struggle with feeling ignored and invalidated by others who do not recognize that men can also be victimized.
Because of ignorance and myths about sexual abuse, men sometimes fear that the sexual assault by another man will cause them to become Gay. This belief is false. Sexual assault does not cause someone to have a particular sexual orientation.
Because of these various gender-related issues, men are more likely than women to feel ashamed of the assault, to not talk about it, and to not seek help from professionals.
Are men who were sexually assaulted as children more likely to become child molesters?
Another myth that male victims of sexual assault face is the assumption that they will become abusers themselves. For instance, they may have heard that survivors of sexual abuse tend to repeat the cycle of abuse by abusing children themselves. Some research has shown that men who were sexually abused by men during their childhood have a greater number of sexual thoughts and fantasies about sexual contact with male children and adolescents. However, it is important to know that most male victims of child sexual abuse do not become sex offenders.
Furthermore, many male perpetrators do not have a history of child sexual abuse. Rather, sexual offenders more often grew up in families where they suffered from several other forms of abuse, such as physical and emotional. Men who assault others also have difficulty with empathy, and thus put their own needs above the needs of their victims.
Is there help for men who have been sexually assaulted?
It is important for men who have been sexually assaulted to understand the connection between sexual assault and hyper-masculine, aggressive, and self-destructive behavior. Through therapy, men often learn to resist myths about what a ‘real man’ is and adopt a more realistic model for safe and rewarding living.
It is important for men who have been sexually assaulted and who are confused about their sexual orientation to confront misleading societal ideas about sexual assault and homosexuality.
Men who have been assaulted often feel stigmatized, which can be the most damaging aspect of the assault. It is important for men to discuss the assault with a caring and unbiased support person, whether that person is a friend, a clergyman or a counselor. However, it is vital that this person be knowledgeable about sexual assault and men.
A local rape crisis center may be able to refer men to mental-health practitioners who are well-informed about the needs of male sexual assault victims.
Summary
There is a bias in our culture against viewing the sexual assault of boys and men as prevalent and abusive. Because of this bias, there is a belief that boys and men do not experience abuse and do not suffer from the same negative impact that girls and women do. However, research shows that at least 10% of boys and men are sexually assaulted and that boys and men can suffer profoundly from the experience. Because so few people have information about male sexual assault, men often suffer from a sense of being different, which can make it more difficult for men to seek help. If you are a man who has been assaulted and you suffer from any of these difficulties, please seek help from a mental-health professional who has expertise working with men who have been sexually assaulted.
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
 ’ve got to beat the clock before we each lose interest.
Someone recently made that statement to me about his erotic life with his partner. His experience has been that erotic interest between two people dies pretty quickly, so you better get in as much sex as possible during the early years of the relationship. If you don’t have good sex early on, it’s never going to get any better.
Single guys sometimes tell me they’re tired of their sexual routine too: sex may be easy to get, but it’s often not deeply satisfying. They find themselves in a rut, feeling like they ought to be enjoying themselves more than they actually do.
Feeling like sex has become a chore can take a toll on how you feel about yourself. If you’re in a relationship, a sex life that’s as predictable as a 70’s sitcom rerun can make you feel like you’re with the wrong guy. Ruts suck. They’re boring and they siphon the juice out of just about anything: your job, your diet, and your relationships.
People are creatures of habit, whether we’re talking grocery shopping or lovemaking. Habits aren’t necessarily bad if they work for you. Trouble is, routine can become so… routine. We want a little variety, some jalapeno peppers spicing up the same old dish.
How do change things? A good place to start is with yourself. What’s it like when you’re feeling sexual and you’re also alone? Many of us have been pleasuring ourself in the same way since we left adolescence. Get out the lube, turn on the VCR, enjoy yourself for five minutes, get a towel to clean up and turn out the lights for the evening. Talk about ruts! What would it be like to take your time, to really notice how your body feels, to run your hands over the smooth places and furry places, etc? Or to get off your back, put on some music and touch yourself while you move and dance.
If you do you may find your eyes starting to glaze over when you hear “So what are you into?” For too many men words like Top and Bottom become like straightjackets, confining sex to predictable routines. Why not mix it up?
Whether tricking, dating or relating, too many of us have picked up the mistaken message that a good lover is in charge of his partner’s pleasure. This is actually a little grandiose. How are you supposed to know what makes him feel good, especially if he doesn’t tell you? “I’m responsible for his pleasure” leads to disappointment. Try replacing it with “I’m responsible for my own pleasure and for being present with my partner.”
A problem some men experience when they are in relationships is that we seek unconditional love from our partner, but that sort of love can seem less sexy. In fact, the affection that builds over time can make the other guy feel like family – and sex with him feel incestuous on an unconscious level. Keeping a relationship sexy means breaking that taboo.
With a partner or someone else with whom you’re sharing erotic life, it can be fun to play the ‘Your Turn/My Turn Game’. It goes like this. Ask your partner to undress and lay back while you explore his body. (You may want to have some conversation first about his general likes and dislikes.) Explore touching different places on his body – including touching with your hands, fingertips, fingernails, lips, etc.) Try varying the pressure – light sometimes, more forceful at other times.
Make it playful; imagine a devilish look in your eyes, asking him, “Which feels better, A or B?” See if you can learn what sort of touch doesn’t work for him, what’s pleasurable, what’s a major turn-on. When you’re finished, it’s his turn to give and your turn to receive. The object of the game is for each guy to find out more about what sort of touch feels pleasurable to receive, and for each man to learn something about how to touch the other.
Don’t let your erotic life get boring. A guy could spend lifetime learning about the landscape of his desires and how to be a good lover. Turn off the TV and see what happens.
John R Ballew, M.S. is a licensed professional counselor in private practice. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality.
By Guy Finley
nto each of our lives comes some fight that must be made; however, the key to true self-victory is not that we ‘win’ at all costs, but rather that we remain true, kind and innocent in spite of the costs.
Has there ever been a time in your life – a period of real self-enriching growth – that wasn’t connected to a risk you either willingly undertook or – to a time of inner trial were there was no other choice for you but to take a risk? Of course, there’s only one answer to this question, and it’s one recognized as being true wherever you may ask it in the world: the prize of greater wisdom and inner strength goes to those who take, in one way or another, the risk.
Taking conscious risks can be such a powerful catalyst for inner change. A conscious risk involves making a choice to do what’s true, in spite of what that choice may cost you. On the other side of any conscious risk is the realization that who you really are has nothing to fear. But, in order to make this self-liberating discovery, you must willingly face those fears, whatever they may be.
Following are examples of everyday events, each of which presents a unique opportunity to take a conscious risk. And, as you’ll see, even the most common occurrences hide within themselves secret bridges to new self-wisdom and greater inner strength.
Risk Saying No
The first step towards having your own free life begins with daring to refuse the silent demands of others. Saying, ‘Yes’, for fear of saying ‘No’ is a recipe for resentment. Risk walking away from fear: say ‘No’.
Risk Leaving Empty Spaces Empty
Giving yourself empty things to do can’t fill that emptiness you feel inside. So risk leaving that space empty. Allow it to fill itself, which it wants to do, with something you can’t give yourself: the end of feeling empty.
Risk Not Defending Yourself
It’s only when you consciously risk laying down your armor, shield and sword – your quips, retorts and criticisms – that you discover who you really are can’t be hurt: risk letting others win.
Risk Appearing Stupid
Pretending to understand something that you don’t, for fear of appearing stupid, only ensures that you’ll remain a fearful pretender for the rest of your life. And that’s stupid. Risk asking all the questions you need to ask. That’s smart.
Risk Bearing Your Own Burdens
The weight of any trouble is determined by how much you fear it. But the only weight any fear can have is what you give it when you try to push it away. Risk not ‘sharing’ your burdens. Stop pushing them onto others. You’ll be amazed how light they really are.
Risk Being Rejected
‘No’ is just a word; the fear of it is a prophecy self-fulfilled. Be bold! Risk asking for what you really want. Reject the fear of being rejected by daring to say ‘No’ to the fear of ‘No’.
Risk Catching Yourself in the Act
Your life can’t be both a Show and be real. Catch yourself in the middle of some self-created drama and just drop it: risk bringing the curtain down on you. Life is real only when you are.
Risk Taking the Lead
You can never know the true pleasure and spiritual satisfaction of having your own life until you take the risk of finding it for yourself, all by yourself. Followers fear to tread that higher road called ‘My Own Way’: risk getting out in front.
Risk Letting Go
You’ve been trying to run your own show and, so far, it’s pretty much been a nightmare with entertaining intermissions! Risks letting something Higher have its hand at directing your life. Let your show go.
Risk Being No One
Everyone wants to be seen by others as being great. This makes that kind of greatness common. Be awake to what is common in your life and then risk doing the opposite. Real greatness follows.
The moment of real conscious risk always feel like a tunnel with no light at its other end. But each time you’ll choose to enter it, that tunnel will turn into a bridge spanning the space between your past fearful life and your new fearless one.
 oday, with STIs raging in epidemic proportions, it’s wise if you’re partying to wear a hat! Let’s celebrate and enjoy the moment, but at the same time protect yourself and your partner(s).
Party hats, otherwise know as condoms or rubbers, aren’t appreciated as much as they should be. At best, they’re accepted as a fact of life, a necessary evil. However, there’s some value in the humble rubber that goes beyond their role in preventing HIV. Keeping this in mind, let’s consider four reasons why condoms are a good thing.
Condoms Keep it Simple
Whether you’re making beautiful love with your boyfriend or husband in the conjugal bedroom or being ploughed by some rough-looking dude in a sleazy backroom or sauna, condoms keep everything wonderfully easy. They are the simple and pretty much foolproof solution, maintaining the action and minimizing the need for discussion about status and who’s doing what to whom.
Condoms Can do the Talking for You
Sometimes, a bit of talking during sex can be quite nice, and even a bit hot. But at other times, talking can ruin everything. The only difficulty with this, however, is that gay sex is a menu and, sooner or later, someone has to do the ordering. Reaching for a condom is the perfect, non-verbal way for you to suggest that while the kissing, caressing and fondling is great, you’re ready to fuck arse.
Condoms can Tell You a Lot About a Guy
When a guy knows how to put a condom on without fuss, it’s pretty sexy. It suggests confidence and experience, and that goes well for whatever happens next.
But if the guy you’re with is unable to put a condom on without having a wrestling match with the wrapper, or he always puts it on back to front, or the whole process makes him lose his erection…well, that kinda smacks of amateurism.
Condoms are Clean
Shit happens! It’s true for life in general and, ultimately, it’s true for gay sex. Don’t laugh, it happens to us all eventually, and when it does, you’ll be grateful for that little rubber party hat protecting you and ensuring your fun.
So there you go; condoms – they’re OK. Let’s keep using them and enjoy the party.
By Cathy Anderson
hat is it and how do you get it? Gay Sexpert and author of ‘Ultimate Gay Sex’, Michael Thomas Ford, has the answers to your Wet Dreams.
Whether you’re a top, bottom, bear, twink, leather master or rice queen, there are several golden rules to follow for the greatest sex of your life. If Michael Thomas Ford’s excellent advice can’t get you over the line, you might consider trying girls.
What turns you on?
Ford says the best sex occurs when you know exactly what blows your hair back. He says most of us have certain things that excite us sexually whether it’s activities (nipple play, anal sex, spanking), physical traits (hairy chests, ethnic looks, blue eyes), fetishes (leather, uniforms, tattoos), or favorite sexual situations (outdoor sex, role play, bondage).
“When you allow yourself to explore these interests without judging yourself, you free yourself to enjoy the sex that arises from liking these things,” he says.
Tell him what you need
“The number one block to great sex is not knowing how to ask for what you want and not understanding what your partners want,” Ford says.
“When we hold back from letting our partner (or ourselves) know what excites us, we put ourselves into a situation where we can’t enjoy sexual activity to the fullest extent.”
The Foreplay
Ford says that foreplay is less important to men than it is to women for getting aroused for more intense sexual activity. “But it’s still important. Foreplay is a preview , if you will, of what’s to come. It gets the mind and body thinking ahead, and that heightens sexual anticipation, which in turn leads to a more intense climax.” Yeah, Baby! Bring it on!
Kiss Me, You Fool
“Many men find kissing to be the most intimate of all sexual acts,” Ford says, “even more so than penetration. It’s often the first type of romantic/sexual contact we have with a partner, the first indication that things are likely to progress to sex. Because of this, how a man sees kissing will usually determine how important it is to him.”
Ford reveals some find kissing a necessary part of lovemaking, while others leave it out altogether. ‘“Like everything about sex, finding what you (and your partner/s) like is simply a matter of trying it,” he says.
Fantasy Land
Ford believes, on some level, all sex is about fantasy. “Let’s face it, real-world sex is often clumsy, which is part of its charm. It’s not unusual to mask some of that with fantasy, whether that means thinking about someone or something else during sex with a partner or literally dressing up and role playing,” he explains.
But a warning: fantasy can become a distraction for you can become obsessed with fantasy to the point where you avoid real issues and it can harm you sexually.
How Much is Enough?
Some men are content with only occasional sex, while others want it frequently. Ford says you can overdo it. “If thinking about sex, seeking out sex, or having sex occupies your time to the point that your relationships with friends or partner/s are affected and it’s become the primary focus of your energies, then you have a problem.”
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