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By John R. Ballew, M.S.
 anuel is healthy and happy and living well with HIV. When he found out he was positive several years ago he decided it would keep things simple if he only dated other poz guys. He soon found out that his heart didn't share that agenda. “I've been with John for three years; he’s negative,” he told me. “I didn't expect this. Most of the time I don't think it makes any difference. But sometimes…”
Some men are just too worried about the possibility of infection to get involved with someone whose HIV status is different from their own. And men who really need to take a partner’s cum inside them are generally going to need to stick with someone of the same HIV status. For others, though, HIV isn't a make-or-break issue when it comes to dating and relating.
We don't have good language to talk about couples where one partner has HIV and the other does not. ‘Sero-discordant’ is the official terminology. I think that’s obnoxious language; relationships are difficult enough without labeling one ‘discordant’. ‘Sero-different’ seems like a step in the right direction. Some people prefer ‘magnetic couples,’ as in one is positive and the other negative. Whatever.
Ten years ago, HIV seemed like a death sentence to many gay men. Now, more and more men with HIV are living healthy and relatively normal lives. Living longer and healthier means more opportunity for relationships. And compared with years past, the distinction between positive and negative doesn't seem so great to many men nowadays.
Too many couples still don't have role models for healthy male–male relationships. And mixed–HIV status couples? Fewer models still, unless you count their tragedies and melodramas that seem as out–of–date as ‘Love Story’.
Sure, the experience of living with HIV is different for each couple, but researchers have found some common threads.
One way HIV makes relationships more difficult is that some guys in mixed couples find less support from friends and family – either out of fear for the uninfected partner or concern that the positive guy is going to be abandoned if the going gets rough. Since social support is important in most relationships, couples need to find ways to deal with this head-on by being frank with family and friends: they expect support and encouragement, not judgment or attitude.
In fact, HIV can have a positive impact in relationships if it causes people to maintain a focus on what is most important in life. HIV can push partners to live in the present moment – not because there is no future, but because the future may be uncertain. That’s true for all people, but living with HIV can underscore that ambiguity.
It’s probably no surprise that sex is the area of intimate relationships that is most directly impacted by HIV. Someone unwilling to take any risks at all is going to find it tricky to be in a mixed-couple relationship, but how do the guys involved decide what is safe for them – or what risks they are willing to tolerate?
Talking things through helps. How important is anal sex, for instance? What kind of things does each partner absolutely have to do in order to have the kind of sex life that’s important to him? Couples who want to fuck and who want the HIV negative guy to stay that way are going to need to accept condoms as a permanent part of their sex lives.
Mixed status couples can have great sex if they are honest about their needs and desires and if they willing to be creative in bed.
Some couples find that they avoid topics that emphasize their differences from one another. Talking about things like retirement, aging or even changing jobs may feel awkward for the HIV-negative partner. Similarly, the positive partner may hold back in talking about their anxieties, symptoms or medical problems for fear of seeming like they are ‘always talking about AIDS’. Often there is a desire to avoid emotionally charged issues like health care regimens, illness, disability or death based on a desire to ‘protect’ the other partner from potentially ugly reality.
Manuel and his partner found themselves avoiding any talk about HIV. They got into couples counseling for something unrelated. “We found out that we each were avoiding talking about it to protect the other guy,” He said. “How stupid was that? I mean, there were times when I really could have used his support, but I was too chickenshit to tell him I was scared.” Manuel’s partner had his own fears. They learned they weren't protecting one another – they were simply avoiding conflict.
While new medical treatments have certainly made life with HIV better, they can also cause new stresses for the couple. The regimens can be complicated, and side effects are sometimes nasty. Treatments affect sexual desire differently, and usually not for the better. And there is both more hope and more uncertainty about living with HIV than ever before. The uncertainty can increase stress around issues related to future life together.
It is important for mixed-status couples to not let HIV become the sole guiding concern in making decisions about moving, financial planning, and changing jobs, having children or anything else. The HIV-positive partner may need to let go of anxieties or guilt about being a burden or victim. And if the HIV-negative partner has codependent fantasies of being the rescuer or savior, he’s going to have to get rid of them as well. It’s important to find ways to express hopes and fears with the other partner in a way that lowers barriers and builds intimacy. Talking about things helps – maybe talking things over with a counselor.
Life is difficult. Life with HIV is more difficult. There is no need to choose between living with HIV and live with love.
John Ballew, M.S. is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta, USA.
By Brian van de Mark
 eading into the restaurant for your third date with the guy you met and seem to have developed a connection with can bring a plethora of emotions. From the butterflies in the stomach that come with the thought of, ‘Will we kiss each other goodnight tonight?’ to the fears and nervousness of saying and doing the right thing.
It’s what Dan calls the ‘Bridget Jones moments’. Dan and Mark met seven years ago. Dan is HIV-positive. Mark is HIV-negative.
Dan entered the restaurant wondering if he had waited too long to disclose his status. Feelings of rejection and fear overwhelmed him. Mark entered the restaurant with the same fears and rejection issues, but for a completely different reason. Mark is a cancer patient.
Serendipitously, both had decided – independently – that their health status would have to come up in conversation that night.
The appetizers came as small talk about the last few days was exchanged. Mark says he knew something was wrong the moment the main entrees arrived and Dan placed his silverware down on the table, folded his hands and said, “There is something I need to tell you. I'm positive.”
Mark says he did the only thing he knew to do and took Dan’s hand into his own and said, “There’s something I need to tell you. I'm a cancer patient.”
Neither could recall the next few minutes, as thoughts and feelings rushed through their heads and hearts. Finally, Mark said, “Yes, but you can't give me cancer.”
Terminology
The term ‘sero-discordant couples’ is the most commonly used term in research and formal settings. Many have argued, however, that by using ‘discordant’, which is generally defined as ‘being devoid of harmony or agreement’, there is an automatic assumption that the relationship itself by definition lacks harmony.
The term ‘sero-opposite couples’ is the most commonly used term in group therapy and among those who deal with these couples more intimately. Both Carlos Morales, who heads up The Center’s new workshop cycle and group sessions for couples of differing HIV status called ‘Opposites Attract’ and Michael Vigorito, a marriage and family therapist, will argue that this is the most appropriate term and the most widely used within the GLBT community.
The term ‘magnetic couples’ can be frequently heard within the subculture of mixed-status couples, and is generally used as a celebration of mutual support within the partnership. It is also used as an affirmation that both partners experience an equal number of anxieties and fears, and yet overcome those through a combination of love, open dialogue and negotiation.
A day in the life of…
“Every couple has its problems,” says Morales. “And I mean every couple, regardless of their HIV status. There may be family issues, work issues, sexual desire differences, denial on some level in some area of one or the other’s lives. Somehow, though, these issues become highlighted when the issue of differing HIV status is in the picture.”
Simply put, says Morales, it’s an extra stress and sometimes the scapegoat.
“The goals of every relationship should be open communication, healthy trust, sexual intimacy and satisfaction, feeling completely embraced and loved,” explains Morales. “And when you are talking about sero-opposite couples, these issues are huge.”
Dating and disclosure
Steve and Carl met 12 years ago and immediately fell in love. Steve, who was HIV-positive at the time they met, chose not to disclose his status to Carl.
“I guess I thought that if he fell in love with me as a person, that would override any fear he might have about HIV or transmission,” says Steve. “I had been burned so many times. You have no idea how many times I would go on a date with someone and everything would be going perfectly fine. We would head back to my place to have sex, and before I have sex with anyone I disclose my status. I would say that nine times out of 10, the person would just turn and leave. The rejection was devastating.”
There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to knowing when to disclose one’s status, argues Vigorito.
Vigorito explains it this way: “Falling in love is an emotional experience, one where you are attracted to someone and you move forward. Disclosure is an intellectual decision. I would liken it to coming out as a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender individual. Everybody has to do it at their own pace. It truly is a case-by-case basis. You are likely to do it sooner or later. Whether you choose to do it sooner or later is a deeply personal decision.”
According to Michael Mancilla, author of ‘Tell and Kiss: Dating and Disclosure’ for many, disclosing their HIV status is even scarier than disclosing their sexual orientation, and may be a paralyzing experience.
“The biggest and first hurdle you will encounter when you are positive and dating is how people will react when they find out the news,” writes Mancilla. “Disclosure can play itself out in a variety of ways. You can share your status before you meet your date in person, such as over the Internet, or in a print personal ad, after a few preliminary dates when you know you'd like to pursue the relationship further; or the least preferred, after your date finds out on their own and consequently feels deceived and taken advantage of.”
In a study by researcher Daniel Schnell, ‘Men’s Disclosure of HIV Test Results to Male Primary Sex Partners’, 82% of the HIV-positive men who revealed their status to their partner ‘reported that the relationship remained as strong as ever after six months.’ On the other hand, ‘most of the men who did not reveal their test results to their main partner reported being single after six months.’
For Steve and Carl, it was later rather than sooner, but not too late. By the time Steve told Carl, Carl had already fallen deeply in love with Steve. One night he suggested that they go get tested and agree to a monogamous relationship, so that they could stop using condoms and other forms of safe sex. Carl had always wanted what he calls ‘au naturale’ physical intimacy with a partner. Steve said he couldn't wait any longer. He sat Carl down and said, “I don't need to be tested. I already know I am positive.”
Carl says he felt he had no choice but to accept it and say, “That’s OK. We just have to work with that.”
Steve’s anxiety, which had been extremely high as he waited for the right moment to tell Carl, and waited in fear for the reaction, began to lessen. Carl, on the other hand, says his mind raced for days playing back what physical intimacies they had shared, and the fear and anxiety of transmission was very real for him.
“This is not uncommon,” says Vigorito. “As the positive partner’s anxiety decreases because he hasn't been rejected, the negative partner’s anxiety increases because now he or she has to be cognizant of yet another complex component.”
“What is known,” explains Morales, “is that there are certain adjustments that have to be made once partners disclose their status and find that one or both is HIV-positive.”
“Take, for example, extended family,” says Morales. “How does a partner who is HIV-negative know whether to share with their family their partner’s status? There is, of course, no right or wrong answer to that. Disclosure to family and friends is based on when and where you are in your own comfort levels, as much as it is in the degree of understanding, commitment and education about HIV of those to whom one might consider disclosure.”
“One may have a partner who is HIV-positive,” explains Morales, “and based on your experience of your family and friends, if they are well-educated on the topic and support HIV causes, you may feel comfortable or ready to tell the family that your boyfriend is HIV-positive.”
“But remember that in some cases,” says Vigorito, “just coming out to your family as being gay yourself was traumatic enough.”
Carl, who grew up in Nebraska, says he thought he would never be able to tell his parents that Steve is HIV-positive. But then the realities hit. Even though in their initial years together Steve showed no outward symptoms of HIV, as the years progressed Steve would frequently be in the hospital. Naturally, his parents and brother would be concerned for Steve.
Finally, Carl felt he had no choice but to tell his family. Before he did so, though, he and Steve sat down and discussed how it would happen and the possible outcomes. At first, Carl’s family felt betrayed by their own son, that he had kept a secret like that for so long. And then there was the anger at Steve and the fear of transmission.
Carl remembers his mother saying, “I saw that movie ‘Philadelphia’ (with Tom Hanks and Antonio Banderas) and I remember one of the big questions was, ‘did he (Hanks’ character) infect the other guy (his partner, Banderas’ character)?”
“Naturally then, the first minute my mom had me alone she asked if I had AIDS,” recalls Carl. “I sat her down and explained that Steve doesn't have AIDS, but that he has HIV, and with today’s medication, it is more of a chronic illness than a death sentence.”
“But,” as Mark explains, “while cancer and HIV may both seem like chronic illnesses, there is one fundamental difference. No one ever asks me how I got cancer.”
“Comparing cancer and HIV on some level can make sense,” says Vigorito. “There are similarities around the emotional concerns, potential attachment, the medical treatment issues, perhaps one partner dying before you, and internal debates about how much connected can I allow myself to be to this person.”
“However, one should not lose sight of fundamental differences,” argues Vigorito: transmission and social attitudes around HIV conversion and contraction.
Morales agrees, “Beyond the obvious difference of society’s idea of shame, the difference between HIV and many other chronic illnesses is the issue of responsibility in terms of transmission, and all of the anxiety around that responsibility. But let me be clear on one thing, the responsibility of avoiding transmission lies in both partners.”
Sero-conversion while in a relationship
Jose and Juan both grew up in strong Latino families, where, as Jose puts it, “everyone is your cousin and everyone known your business.”
When they met two years ago, Jose and Juan both believed themselves to be negative. Simply put, they had not been tested in some time, but believed that they had not engaged in any high-risk behavior that would put them at risk for sero-conversion, that is, contracting HIV.
Jose and Juan entered their relationship with the explicit understanding that both were negative. About nine months into their relationship, Jose became ill and couldn't shake a cold. “I finally went to the doctor and he told me I was HIV-positive,” recalls Jose. “I was furious. I was ready to rip Juan’s head off for lying to me about his status and putting me at risk. When Juan got home that night I laid into him about how dare he tell me he was negative when he was positive, and I screamed and yelled and blamed him for giving me this disease.”
As it turns out Juan is HIV-negative. Because Jose had not been tested in over three years he had no idea he was positive. As Juan says,“Then it was my turn. I wanted to know who he had been whoring around with and how dare he blame me when the fact was that he was probably out having sex with people and somewhere along the way got the prized trophy [HIV].”
“Needless to say,” recalls Jose, “it was an intense week. The good news is that we are now two of the most active ‘Act Up! Get Tested!’ advocates in San Diego. I guess we tried to make a lemonade when we were handed lemons.” But Juan is quick to point out there are still some sour days.
Morales, in referring to Banderas’ role in ‘Philadelphia’, says he understands Jose and Juan’s reactions. “Here you are watching a movie where Tom Hanks’ character is dying quickly of AIDS, and the HIV-negative partner is standing there by his side, projecting this image of being strong for his partner, wanting to be present for him here; in his mind, heart and body. As a Latino man I see that movie and think, no way would anyone be that calm and collected. I think they would be more like, ‘Excuse me? You were doing what in that theater?’”
Negotiation and seeking help
For Steve and Carl, seeking therapy, has been one of their primary outlets for help. And one thing they both agree on is that negotiation is the key to their relationship.
“I had to really research what it meant to be HIV-positive when Steve told me he was positive,” explains Carl. “In my fantasy world, there was this idea that we would own a house in Hillcrest, an SUV, have two car seats and be PTA dads. My world changed when Steve told me he was positive.”
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
 e gay men tend to take sex and our sexuality rather seriously. There is often the expectation that we should be ready for sex at the drop of a hat. When something goes wrong with sex in our relationships, we can find ourselves feeling pretty anxious. What happens when we find ourselves feeling uninterested or apathetic about sex?
The clinical term for this situation is Inhibited Sexual Desire. People experiencing it may find that they have little interest in sex with their primary partner. Other guys find that they have little interest in sex with anyone. Some men with inhibited desire rarely initiate sex, although they respond if their partner makes an advance. Other men lose interest in sex all together. In its most extreme form, individuals with inhibited sexual desire may find sex repellent or distasteful.
It’s normal for two men to have different levels of sexual drive. Scientists in recent years have found that sex drive (in both men and women) is regulated by the level of testosterone in the bloodstream. Levels of testosterone can vary widely and still be considered normal. Inhibited Sexual Desire is not the same thing as having a lower sexual energy than one’s partner.
This situation can be temporary and caused by outside stressors such as too much work. This has sometimes been described as Yuppie Bed Death, two partners both working long hours in successful careers, with little time or energy left for romance at the end of the day. Sexual interest can also fall when having sex becomes a power struggle with the relationship. If a relationship is experiencing conflict or if affection and romance has disappeared, it’s not surprising that the erotic relationship is going to suffer as well.
Male sexuality is a fragile thing. If we are afraid that we're going to fail at sex, we probably aren't going to be very excited by it. Losing an erection, premature ejaculation or painful intercourse are all things that can cause us to lose interest in sex. So can sexual illnesses such as gonorrhea and warts, etc. Anxiety about HIV certainly contributes to the mix for many gay men.
If you think that you (or your partner) may have Inhibited Sexual Desire, counseling or medical attention may be in order. Some of us have grown up with very negative or restrictive views about sex. This has sometimes been called the Madonna/whore Complex. Dividing partners (in the case, women) into two classes: those who are good and those who are sexy. It can take work to reconnect the two. Negative traumatic sexual experiences, like rape or assault, are also associated with in habited desire.
If the lack of interest in sex is part of a broader range of symptoms, it is possible that you are experiencing depression or exhaustion. A hormone deficiency is also a possibility. For these reasons and a host of others, being able to talk about sexual matters with your health care providers is important for your well-being.
Healthy sexuality is an important part of most intimate relationships. You are entitled to enjoy sex. Don't allow yourself to settle into complacency about problems with your erotic life.
By Doug Firebaugh
 here are going to be times when you may get a little discouraged. And when that happens you may ask yourself, “What are the best ways to get myself back on track?”
Well, before you can get back on track you'll need to understand what discouragement is, realize what created it in the first place, and then form a plan to overcome it.
Discouragement is simply an emotion that replaces courage – or your desire to continue. And just like the words, displace, distrust or dislike, this emotion also creates the opposite of what it once was. And because discouragement can be such a silent deadly thief in any one’s life, you need to know how to handle it right away.
Discouragement’s Five Warning Signs
- Questioning yourself
All discouragement starts with questioning yourself – consciously or subconsciously. Asking deadly questions like, “Can I really do this?”
- Lack of results
Without results you can easily decide to quit. This starts by questioning yourself, which sabotages your actions, which cripples your results.
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- High expectations
You may not have the skill set to realize your goal – but expect to – and when success does not come overnight, you become discouraged and often quit.
- Listening to the wrong people
This can discourage someone very quickly, especially if those voices are negative and you haven't been inoculated to fend off this verbal infection.
- Loss of focus
You set goals to increase, empower, or improve something in your life. But after you have been involved for a while, you can allow life to get in the way and you loose your focus. Slowly, doubt creeps in – created by distractions, lack of focus, or lack of empowering relationships – and then that doubt, if left unchecked, grows into a discouragement tumor and kills.
So how can you successfully deal with discouragement?
Understand that most discouragement is caused by failing to achieve your desired goal. Re-evaluate that goal and give thought to new, potential ways of achieving it: think outside the square and then take action. Above all, don't give in and don't give up.
 ou can completely transform any relationship, no matter what it's like right now.
Every single relationship you have is a reflection of how you feel inside about you. You are a magnet attracting to you all things, via the signal you are emitting through your thoughts and feelings. Every relationship you have and every interaction with every person is a reflection of your own thoughts and feelings in that very moment.
To transform every single relationship you have in your life:
- Fall in love with YOU! (You must love yourself deeply).
- Make lists of hundreds and hundreds of wonderful things about yourself. Keep adding to it every day.
- Know that you are perfect. (Do not think any negative thoughts about you).
- Know that you are worthy and deserving of anything and everything you could possibly want in your life.
- Focus on the wonderful things in every person. Look for only those things.
- Do not blame or criticize anybody, ever.
- Set an intention that you are going to see the best in everything and everyone.
- Make your happiness the number one thing in your life. (Happiness is an inside job.)
- Free yourself of the responsibility of trying to make other people happy (respect and love them enough to allow them to take care of their own happiness).
- Get your attention off those things in others that don't make you feel good.
- Appreciate and love yourself in every moment you can.
- Do not expect others to behave in a way you want, so you will be happy.
- Release yourself forevermore and know that you alone control your happiness and it is a choice, no matter what anyone else is doing.
- Love and respect yourself completely.
- Know that you are PERFECT right now.
Source: The Secret
By Peter Hacker, 365Gay.com.
 ANTAS, Australia's international airline, will recognize the same-sex marriages of employees who were wed in areas where gay marriage is legal.
The decision reverses an earlier decision involving an employee who married his same-sex partner in Canada last year. The worker, whose name is being withheld, submitted a copy of his marriage license to the company with a request that his record be updated to reflect he was married and his husband entitled to spousal benefits.
The company in March 2005 refused citing Australian law which bars same-sex marriage.
“We are unable to approve your marital status in QHR [employee records] as married because Australian law does not recognize same sex marriages. Pursuant to the terms of the Marriage Act 1961 (Cwlth), marriage is defined as the union of a man and a woman,” the company wrote.
Not satisfied, the employee resubmitted his claim and attached a copy of an email response he had solicited from the former Chief Justice of the Family Court.
“While QANTAS correctly sets out the present state of Australian law, I agree with your view that there is nothing to stop a private employer permitting your husband to be described as your spouse on its documentation and I can see no legal impediment to it doing so,” the email from Alastair Nicholson said.
“Indeed it would in my view be an appropriate step for it to take. It may be that it takes the view that to so describe your husband could constitute an admission by it in the event of your marital status being relevant in proceedings against it, but I do not think that this is so because the description in its records could not operate to change the law.”
This week QANTAS reversed its position and told the worker that it would accept his claim.
A written statement to the employee from QANTAS Executive General Manager People, Kevin Brown says: “QANTAS is willing to recognize you…as married and will record your status as married. QANTAS will treat you and your family in the same manner as it treats all married staff.”
The reversal was hailed by Australian Marriage Equality.
“QANTAS is not only a very large employer, with over 30,000 staff, but is also an Australian icon,” said Glenn Limond, AME national secretary.
Former Chief Justice Nicholson earlier this month slammed the Australian government for its refusal to recognize same-sex couples, accusing it of looking at society through a rear view mirror.
“I just don't see why same-sex couples should not be able to receive the same freedoms and rights as other people – and I don't see why their children should be discriminated against, either,” Nicholson told the Special Broadcasting Service.
In 2004, the Australian government passed legislation defining marriage as between a man and a woman and Prime Minister Howard has refused to consider national civil union legislation.
Source: 365Gay.com
 cientists say they have shown how male homosexuality could be passed from generation to generation.
Nature encourages mothers to pass on a ‘gay trait’ to their male offspring by boosting their fertility, the Italian University of Padova team believes.
This would keep the pattern of gay inheritance alive they told the Royal Society’s Biological Sciences journal.
Critics of the theory argue a gay gene would eventually be wiped out because gay couples do not procreate.
Inheritance Theory
There is controversy about whether sexual orientation is a matter of choice, the authors of the study admitted to the journal. Campaigners say equality for homosexual people is the more important issue.
Back in 1993, US researchers suggested male homosexuality was passed from mother to son after they found strong patterns of inheritance in family trees.
It has also been noted that homosexual males are more often the younger siblings of a number of older brothers. Scientists have said it might be that the mother develops some kind of resistance to the male Y chromosome in her offspring that makes subsequent baby boys more likely to be born gay.
Scientists doing DNA studies on homosexual brothers pinpointed culprit genetic material to a region of the X chromosome that maters pass on to their offspring. But other researchers in the US have not been able to replicate these findings.
Highly fertile
Andrea Camperio-Ciani and colleagues argue genetic factors favoring homosexual male offspring could make women more fertile.
“Our data resolves this paradox by showing that there might be, hitherto unsuspected, reproductive advantages associated with male homosexuality,” they said. They looked at 98 homosexual and 100 heterosexual men and their relatives, which included more than 4,600 people overall.
The female relatives on the mother’s side of the homosexual men tended to have more offspring than the female relatives on the father’s side. This suggests that these women who, in theory, pass on the gay trait to their male offspring are also more fertile.
In comparison, the female relatives on both the mother’s and the father’s side of the heterosexual men did not appear to be as fertile, having fever offspring. The researchers believe the homosexuality-increased fertility trait must be passed down on the female X chromosome.
They pointed out that this would not explain the majority (80%) of cases, and that cultural factors might be important.
Bigger picture
“It is clear that our findings, if confirmed by further research, are only one piece in a much larger puzzle on the nature of human sexuality,” they said.
In 2002, the Nuffield Council on Bioethics produced a report into the possible link between genes and behavior, which included sexual orientation. It concluded: “There are numerous problems with genetics and other biological research into sexual orientation which means that any reported findings must be viewed with caution.” It said many of the genetics studies were too small to draw definite conclusions from.
Alan Wardle from the gay rights charity Stonewall said, “This is an interesting debate and there may well be a genetic element, but it’s not conclusive. It does not really matter whether it is nature or nurture. The important thing is getting equality for homosexual people.”
Source: BBC News
By Marie Baker
here are three major sections of the human brain. The lower (reptilian) brain is responsible for breathing, blood flow, body temperature and homeostasis. The mid (limbic system) brain is referred to as the emotional brain; it stores emotional and behavioral patterns also known as our Adaptive Survival Responses. The higher (cortex) brain is responsible for cognitive thought and gives us the ability to make choices; this is what distinguishes us as humans.
Within 21 days of conception, our central nervous system, which includes the brain and spinal cord, has begun to develop. Our senses, including vibration, pain, sight, smell, sound, taste, touch, plus information from our internal organs are relayed through the spinal cord to the brain for a response, creating our neurological pathways.
With this in mind, you can begin to understand how long some of our neurological pathways or Adaptive Survival Responses have been in place; this is why it can feel difficult to create change in our lives.
Our sensory information is relayed to the lower brain first and if necessary, on to the mid brain where it is integrated with your previous emotional and behavioral responses or Adaptive Survival Responses. Based on the information from the mid brain, the cortex makes a judgment and the brain produces peptides that correspond with the emotion. These peptides go out into the bloodstream to find receptors on each cell that respond to that particular emotion and its peptide. So now we know that our thoughts actually produce chemicals in our body and these chemicals are called peptides.
This peptide network expands beyond the brain; it is the language used by cells throughout the body to communicate across systems such as the endocrine, immune and gastrointestinal systems. According to Candace Pert, author of ‘Molecules of Emotion’, we not only experience our emotions, they run every system in our body. It is a two way communication between the brain and the body.
Every single cell in our body has peptide receptors; the receptors receive the message and transmit it from the surface of the cell deep into the cell's interior where the message can change the state of the cell dramatically. Events, feelings, sensations, thoughts and perhaps even Spirit or soul release peptides creating a biochemical reaction in our body’s right down to the cellular level. The life of a cell and what it's up to at any given moment, is determined by which receptors are on its surface, and whether these receptors are occupied or not.
Emotional memories (peptides) are stored in every single cell of the body and emotional memory stored through out the body can be accessed from anywhere in the network; not only do cells receive peptides; they produce them.
Let's take a look at the gastrointestinal system or gut; the entire lining of the intestines is lined with cells that contain peptides, it's entirely possible that this is why we feel our emotions in that part of the anatomy, often referring to them as the gut feeling.
What, then, is the relationship of mind and emotions to an individual's state of health?
The peptides and their receptors are the substrates of our emotions, and they are in constant communication with the immune system, the mechanism through which health and disease are created. It is documented that there is a connection between happy thoughts and a healthy immune system but, it is also important to feel your anger, fear and sadness – the so-called negative emotions. To repress these emotions and not let them flow freely creates blockages and insufficient flow of peptide signals to maintain function at the cellular level, this is what contributes to the weakened immune system that can lead to disease. All honest emotions are positive emotions as long as they are expressed responsibly.
So if we know that every thought is creating our future right down to the cellular level, it goes without saying that we need to feel good about ourselves and how we conduct ourselves in the world around us. If our goal is to create new thought processes, we need to create new neurological pathways and recognize that our emotional responses are Adaptive Survival Responses that could have been put into place long before we remember.
To create change you need to be present to each feeling or emotion that you experience as it processes through the mid-brain and use the higher brain to make a cognitive choice instead of resorting to the Adaptive Survival Response that may not be appropriate for you anymore. Eventually, you will have laid down a new neurological pathway and therefore have a new thought process.
By Diana Robinson, PhD.
hen we are in a difficult predicament and don't know how to get out of it, this is not the best time for clear thinking. Often we feel totally alone, helpless, and have no idea what to do next. Usually, there are things we can do for ourselves if we just step out of the panic, but there are also outside sources of help. Here are some of them.
Crisis or Help Line
They used to be called suicide lines but now deal with a far wider range of issues. Most of them have well-trained staff and a huge database of support groups and other potential sources of help. They may or may not help you directly but can certainly advise you where you can turn to for help and assistance.
GAMMA is one such Help Line and can be accessed through (02) 9267–4000 or Regional Free Call 1800 804 617.
Old Friends
Forget your pride. We would all prefer to contact old friends in times of triumph, not crisis, but if they really are your friends they will be glad to offer help, or, at least a listening ear. True, it is not wise to keep on turning to anyone in times of crisis if you ignore them in times of success. That will get rid of your old friends fast, but reach out to them anyway. Just remember to stay in touch when things get better.
Support Groups
Support groups are not just for alcoholics any more. There are support groups for almost any problem. You will find support from people who have been there themselves, done that and you will probably learn from their experiences. At the very least, you will find you are not alone. Most local newspapers and crisis lines maintain lists of support groups.
Life Coach
A Life Coach provides support, a listening and sympathetic ear, a focus on you and on your dreams and future success. Some coaches work by phone, so they can't actually hand you a tissue, or give you a literal shoulder to cry on, but they can do and do this virtually. Even more importantly, they can help you to problem-solve, to create a plan of action and help you see that the light at the end of the tunnel is the sun shining on your future.
Therapist
Therapy and coaching are not the same. For deep-seated and long-term emotional issues, a therapist is the person to turn to. Check your local mental health association for recommendations, or ask your friends. Many of them have probably benefited from therapy and know that to work with a therapist is not a sign of weakness or mental disturbance. It is actually the opposite. It is a sign that you, more than many, understand the wisdom of reaching out for help when you need it.
Family
If you are close then you do have someone to turn to if, again, you can swallow your pride. Even if you have not spoken to most of your family in years, they are still family, they have the same roots, and the same early memories. Sure, they could refuse to talk with you. But then, would you be any worse off than you are right now? The chances are they would be delighted to find a reason to reach out and mend the rift between you.
Co-workers
Some of us fear to reach out to co-workers for help because we think we have to maintain the success image. Its true there may be some colleagues to whom you would be wise not to show your vulnerability. However, if you are in bad emotional shape those who work closely with you almost certainly know it anyway. Many of them will be more than happy to know, rather than speculate wildly, what your problem is and to act as sounding boards, sources of support and even to offer practical help. Use discretion in your choice of confidants but do not assume you are fooling anyone by trying to keep your chin up and solve your problems alone.
Religious Leaders
Most religious leaders today have received extensive training in Pastoral counseling. Most of them have also heard it all and should not be shocked by anything you tell them.
God
Whatever tern you choose to use to refer to your God, Higher Power, Creator, etc., unless you are an atheist this can be a continuing source of comfort and inspiration.
Your Inner Self
In times of difficulty remember that you are a lot wiser than you think. You have within you an incredible source of wisdom and serenity that is there to help you. If you step back from the crisis and turn within and get quiet, you will get in touch with this Inner Self. Crisis is not a time to give up journaling, prayer, meditation, doing whatever you do to get and stay in touch with your Inner Self. If you don't currently do any form of inner consciousness work, there is no better time to start than right now.
~ Diana Robinson, PhD. Personal and Career Coach, Writer.
y father asked if I am gay,
I said, “Does it matter?”
He said, “No, not really,”
I said, “Yes,”
He said, “Get out of my house!”
I guess it mattered.
My friend asked if I am gay,
I said, “Does it matter?”
He said, “No, not really,”
I said, “Yes,”
He said, “Don't call me your friend!”
I guess it mattered.
My boss asked if I am gay,
I said, “Does it matter?”
He said, “No, not really,”
I said, “Yes,”
He said, “You're fired, faggot!”
I guess it mattered.
My lover asked if I love him,
I said, “Does it matter?”
He said, “Yes!”
I told him, “I love you,”
He said, “Let me hold you in my arms,”
For the first time in my life something mattered
My God asked me, “Do you love yourself?”
I said, “Does it matter?”
God said, “Yes,”
I said, “How can I love myself? I am gay,”
God said, “This is the way I have made you,”
Nothing again will ever matter
~ Author unknown
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