|
 oming Out is the process through which individuals come to terms with their gay, bisexual, or lesbian orientations. Coming out includes both learning about oneself and sharing that knowledge with others. It also involves coping with societal responses and attitudes towards homosexuality. The coming out process is very personal. It happens in different ways and occurs at different ages for different people. Some people are aware of their sexual identity at an early age, others arrive at this awareness only after many years. Coming out is a continuous, sometimes, lifelong process.
While some anxiety related to sexuality is common among college students, the problems facing gays are often more difficult than those facing others. Because positive role models are often difficult to identify, gay people may feel alone and unsure of their own sexual identities. Also, fear of rejection may be greater among gay men and lesbians due to the prejudice in society against homosexuality.
Coming Out to Oneself
Recognition of one’s own sexual identity and working toward self-acceptance are the first steps in coming out. Focusing on the positive aspects of being gay as opposed to focusing on the discrimination, fears, and myths about gays in society is necessary for self-acceptance. This is not to pretend that such discrimination does not have any effect on lesbians and gay men. However, this injustice can more accurately be understood as external to, rather than inherent in gay sexuality.
There are many things to think about when considering coming out. Some of the positive outcomes may be increased self-esteem, greater honesty in one’s life, and a sense of greater personal integrity. In addition, there is often a release of tension when people stop trying to deny or hide such an important part of their lives. This can lead to greater freedom of self-expression.
One safe means of beginning the coming out process for oneself is through reading about how others have dealt with similar issues. There are hundreds of books and periodicals available on all facets of gay life, from clinical studies on homosexuality to collections of Coming Out stories.
Coming Out to Other Lesbians and Gay Men
After spending some time getting in touch with one’s own feelings, the next step often is coming out to others. It is usually advisable to come out first to those who are most likely to be supportive. Lesbians and gay men are a potential natural support system because they have all experienced at least some of the steps in the process of coming out. Sharing experiences about being gay can decrease feelings of isolation and can be an important benefit of coming out. Within the gay community there are a number of helpful resources. These include coming out groups, switchboards, social outlets, political, cultural and sporting organizations, and activities.
Coming out to other lesbians or gay men does not need to happen quickly. Choosing to do so also does not mean that individuals must conform to real or presumed expectations of the gay community. What is most important is that lesbians and gay men seek their own paths through the process and attend to their unique personal timetables. Individuals should not allow themselves to be pressured into anything they are not ready for or don’t want to do. They should proceed at their own pace, being honest with themselves and taking time to discover who they really are.
Coming Out to Non-Gays
Perhaps the most difficult step in coming out is revealing oneself to non-gays. It is at this step that individuals are most likely to encounter negative consequences. Thus, it is particularly important to go into this part of the coming out process with open eyes. Non-gays may be shocked, confused, and may even reject a friend or family member who comes out to them; loss of employment or housing are all possibilities that lesbians and gay men face. In some countries of the world, today, even the most private expressions of sexuality between gays are illegal.
Coming out to others is likely to be a more positive experience when individuals are clear about their own feelings and thus less reliant on others for their positive self-image. Since this process of clarification of feelings takes place over time, it is usually not a good idea to come out on the spur of the moment. The process of coming out is likely to be more successful as an action, not as a reaction. In coming out to others, consider the following:
- Think about what you want to say and choose the time and place carefully.
- Be aware of what the other person is going through also. The best time for you might not be the best time for someone else.
- Present yourself honestly and remind the other person that you are the same individual you were yesterday.
- Be prepared for an initially negative reaction from some people. Do not forget that it took you time to come to terms with your own sexuality, and it is important to give others the time they need.
- Have friends to talk with about what happens.
- Don’t give up hope if you don’t initially get the reaction you wanted. Some people need more time then others to come to terms with what they have heard.
Summary
The decision to come out is always personal: whether to come out and, if so when, where, how, and to who are all questions you must answer for yourself. Taking control of this process includes being aware in advance of potential ramifications so that you can act positively rather than defensively. Coming out may be one of the most difficult tasks lesbians and gay men confront in their lives, but it can also be one of the most rewarding. Coming out is one way of affirming your dignity and the dignity of other lesbians and gay men.
Recapping these points:
Coming Out to Oneself
Recognition of one’s own sexual identity and working toward self-acceptance are the first steps in coming out.
Focusing on the positive aspects of being gay as opposed to focusing on the discrimination, fears and myths about gays in society is necessary for self-acceptance.
Some of the positive outcomes may be increased self-esteem, greater honesty in one’s life, and a sense of greater personal integrity.
In addition, there is often a release of tension when people stop trying to deny or hide such an important part of their lives. This can lead to greater freedom of self-expression.
Coming Out to Other Lesbians and Gay Men
It is usually advisable to come out first to those who are more likely to be supportive.
Sharing experiences about being gay can decrease feelings of isolation and can be an important benefit of coming out.
Choosing to do so does not mean that individuals must conform to real or presumed expectations of the gay community. Individuals should not allow themselves to be pressured into anything they are not ready for, or don’t want to do.
Coming Out To Non-Gays
Coming out to others is likely to be a more positive experience when individuals are clear about their own feelings and less reliant on others for their positive self-image.
In coming out to others consider the following:
- Think about what you want to say and choose the time and place carefully.
- Be aware of what the other person is going through, also. The best time for you might not be the best time for someone else.
- Present yourself honestly and remind the other person that you are the same individual you were yesterday.
- Be prepared for an initially negative reaction from some people. Don’t forget it took time for you to come to terms with your own sexuality, and it is important to give others the time they need.
- Have friends to talk with about what happens.
- Don’t give up hope if you don’t initially get the reaction you wanted. Some people need more time than others to come to terms with what they have heard.
Above all, be careful not to let your self-esteem depend entirely on the approval of others. If a person rejects you and refuses even to try to work on acceptance, that’s not your fault. In such a case, you may want to reevaluate the nature of the relationship and its importance to you, but in no case is such rejection evidence of your lack of worth or value.
 here are literally a million questions you might want to ask yourself before you take your leap of faith. Here are some questions I gathered from my own experience and that of other counselors and my own sample answers that I give to each. You are free to disagree and fill in your own feelings or choice with each. Keep in mind the answers are my opinions but the questions are strongly recommended in weighing your decision.
| Q.
| How important is your individuality and freedom to you?
|
| A.
| My individuality means everything to me. It is who I am, how I have loved, shared, learned, felt. My personality and originality is unique and just as equally beautiful as the next person. I can’t give that up or suppress it while others live their lives telling me to be like them. I’m gay and free to be me. Though I will always help and love others, I will never forsake my identity because of their discrimination.
|
| Q.
| Do you feel that friends and/or family will leave you?
|
| A.
| I disclosed my sexuality with my family years ago and although not understood at the time, it was accepted. Not one of my family or friends has left me since finding out that I was gay. My best friends have always stood by my side, through good and bad times. I believe that true friends will always stay by your side… isn’t that what friends are for?
|
| Q.
| Do you care what others think or say about you?
|
| A.
| I do. Everyone wants to be liked and befriended. Everyone has a fear of rejection, hate, prejudice, and ill thoughts from others. I have to believe that I am strong enough to put aside the ignorance of others. I have, and will make, many friends who treat me as an equal, an acquaintance, or a lover, as long as I am honest and heartfelt in my conviction. I will know that when others think or speak ill of me, that is only hurtful prejudice.
|
| Q.
| How important is it for people to know that you are gay?
|
| A.
| Not at all. Being gay is only a part of who I am. I don’t have to go out to gay clubs, saunas, watch Queer As Folk,’ or drink Diet Coke. I don’t have to march in the Mardi Gras Parade or attend Dance parties, or tell everyone I meet that I am a proud homosexual. In fact, most people I know don’t know I am gay. I don’t hide it from them but it’s not always obvious to every individual. People don’t look at your sexuality first. They look at you: who you are, what you are like, your values, your tolerance of others, your interests, your sense of humor, your friendships. Gay people are normal, like everyone else.
|
| Q.
| Do you fear the Bible, religion, sinning, or teachings against homosexuality?
|
| A.
| This is a tough question and one that many people have debated. Depending on your religious background, some people will come to different conclusions than others. But if God exists, I know that he taught us to love as he loves us, unconditionally. I will never accept that homosexual love is a sin. Love is love as red is red and blue is blue. There is nothing sinful, disgusting, wrong or different about my love for someone – even if it is another man. Deep in my conscience I feel that there is an injustice with people who persecute and force people away as outcasts because of a difference. Whether it is skin color, tradition, culture or sexuality. If truly a God exists, and he created the entire world in its varieties of animals, cultures, people, colors and countries, why is it so hard to accept that some people have different sexual preferences? If religion teaches me to work, learn, love and grow, that is what I’m doing as a person who was born gay. I did not choose to be gay and neither did a teenage boy staring at women choose to be straight. It is who I am and I will do my best to live this life and accomplish my hopes, ideals and dreams.
|
Always remember:
- Nine out of ten times, your close friends will not leave you. Friends keep secrets, do things together, and trust each other. After all, they wouldn’t really be worthy friends if they left you for who you are. Ten out of ten times, your family will love you. No matter what they say or hold against you, they are your flesh and blood. You can convince yourself and others that they would rather have nothing to do with you. It’s not them you are fighting; its anger, confusion, hurt, and loss. Only time and love will heal those gaps. It’s your choice to bridge the gaps.
- Remember you are still the same person that others have always known. And remind them that there is nothing different or odd about you after you told them compared to before. They have always known you. Now they just know more about you.
- No one should rush or convince you into coming out except yourself. You know what’s best for you. But when you feel as though you are on the verge of just spilling your beans – consider the following disadvantages into advantages.
- Disadvantage #1:
Different treatment from other people
Most people will now treat you as the person you are and not who they want you to be. There’ll be no more, “Hey, check out that hot chick!” or, “Why aren’t you married?”
- Disadvantage #2:
Friends may leave you
Find out the people who will always be your friend and root out those who will only be your friend out of convenience or need of something.
- Disadvantage #3:
Will send parents to an early grave
You have to believe that they will love and come to accept you. If not, do you really want to live in unhappiness and lie about your feelings all the time?
- Disadvantage #4:
Sudden change of lifestyle
It’s different. It’s new, it’s tough even, but at least you are living in freedom and able to pursue everything you have ever wanted emotionally. Being able to be yourself freely is like being granted wings. You will make new friends, interests and a healthy lifestyle.
- Disadvantage #5:
REALLY nervous about coming out
If you are really nervous, it usually means that you’re nervous because you have seriously given thought to coming out to someone. It is a definite message from your conscience that the thought of being known as gay to somebody excites you and makes you nervous about doing it. But which path will you choose in the end? Someone else’s or your own?
How do I tell someone for the first time?
The hardest, most complicated and courage-trying task in coming out is telling the first person. Choosing that person is not an easy task. It could be your best friend, a parent, a brother, sister or a work buddy. Most gay men tend to find it easier to tell a female person rather than a male person. You should find someone with whom you are comfortable talking. Someone you believe who will not lay judgment on you that very second the words come out. You may feel embarrassed, ashamed, scared, or out of breath. It’s common, and every gay man who has told someone for the first time probably felt the same way. If your initial instincts about the person were right, the greater chances are that you will have someone very special who will share and know how you feel deep inside. Fortunately, after the first time, telling other people becomes easier and easier.
 t has been ten days since I ‘Came Out’ to my wife. It was something I had been considering for several months, but was terrified she’d leave me once she knew about the feelings I have for other guys. We’ve been happily married for fifteen years, have a wonderful relationship, an excellent sex life, and two incredible children. So why rock the boat? Why not carry on as before? The bi-gay married guys I’d talk to online all advised me against it. I kept looking for examples of people who had done it and who had remained happily married, but there weren’t many.
Two weeks ago we went to see Angels in America. Both of us were deeply moved and on the way home my wife began crying. I was sure she related our own situation to the movie story-line, but I kept quiet. She knows that on business trips out of town I often go dancing at gay clubs. I’ve always told her it’s because I can go and dance on my own without having to worry about finding a partner. She knows I have many gay friends and business associates. I was convinced that she must know or suspect something. For the next few days I felt very uneasy.
Last Saturday night the two of us went to dinner at our favorite restaurant. We had a wonderful evening and we began talking about things about each other that irritated us. It all started quite innocently but my wife mentioned that she got upset when I danced without my shirt on at one of the gay dance clubs we go to quite often. She said that she didn’t like the
Continued next column
|
|
Continued from previous column
thought of guys looking at me. I told here that I did! I explained that seeing other good-looking muscular guys turned me on, that initially I had been very confused about my sexuality, wondering whether I was becoming gay, but that in the last year I had realized that it was possible to have a dual orientation, and the fact that I was turned on by guys didn’t mean I wasn’t turned on by her, or for that matter, other attractive women.
Both of us ended up crying. Earlier in the day we had taken one of our sons to see the Names Project [American Quilt Project] here in Houston, and now my wife sobbed that she didn’t want to have to see my name on the Quilt, and then realizing the consequences added that she didn’t want her name on it either. She told me that she knew that she couldn’t stop me from being myself, but that if I was going to have sex with guys I should consider all the implications, especially AIDS. I promised that I would never indulge in unsafe sex, a promise I intend to keep.
We talked the whole night, and eventually fell asleep as the sun rose. All day Sunday there was a sense of tension in the air. We really didn’t talk much about what we are thinking or feeling. On Sunday night our lovemaking was more passionate than I can ever remember. Afterwards we talked about what we could do. Ignore it and go on? Go for therapy? We both knew one thing: that we did not want to be apart. We wanted to find a way to make our marriage work, while acknowledging the fact that one of us is bisexual and the other is straight.
I asked if she had ever suspected anything. She told me that she hadn’t, that she had always trusted me and I’d never given her cause not to trust me.
On Monday I went to one of the local gay bookstores and stocked up on books that dealt with married men coming out to their wives. Both of us began reading, and we both got very depressed. There were not too many success stories. A few days later, my wife stopped reading them; it was really getting way too heavy for her. I’ve continued reading and I share the positive information with her.
I don’t know what the future holds for us. I do know that at the moment we are much closer as a result of my honesty. Both of us are making an effort to listen to each other, to take care of each other and not take each other for granted. Hopefully, we will find a way for both of us to feel fulfilled. One thing we are doing is talking about our feelings, spending more time on our own, without the kids and friends, just the two of us.
I thank God that the woman I fell in love with is as understanding as this. That, as the slogan goes, she can be straight without being narrow. We’ve always told our children that a person’s sexual orientation was of no consequence to us, that we loved people irrespective of whether they were straight or gay. The events of the last few days have proved the truth of that statement.
Unfortunately, my brother and father aren’t quite as gay friendly and I’m still dealing with how to tell them about the real me. They need to know, because once they realize that it’s part of their family, perhaps they will become less homophobic.
The thought of coming out of the closet was so scary. The thought of remaining imprisoned in it was far worse. For me, it was the right thing to do.
Source: Gay Stories: Coming Out, Hilton@onramp.net, 11 April 1995
 hen I was a teenager, I was attracted to other guys. When I went away to college I was ashamed of my attraction and strove diligently to be attracted to women. I really wanted a relationship and wanted to be loved and to love another person in that special way. I dated women but was sexually attracted to men.
When I was 20 I fell in love with a woman and at 21 we got married. I hoped my attraction for men would just sort of drift away or stop completely. I struggled for 14 years in this marriage and had two children. I tried and tried and tried to be happy in my marriage, but the underlying fact was that I was gay. Period.
I really tried to choose to be straight, but it just wouldn’t work. Finally, after years of struggling and a lot of counseling and therapy, we decided it was best to end the marriage. So, from personal experience, I can honestly say that one does not choose one’s sexual orientation; it’s not a choice. It just is. No one, I don’t care how vehement they are, can ever convince me that it is a choice to go through the hell that I did. I wouldn’t choose to be gay, if it was a choice. I’d much rather live the single life and not have to defend myself against boneheads and bigots.
I couldn’t, and I suggest that no one really can, choose their sexual orientation. I’m happy to say now that my ex-wife continues to be a good friend and is supportive of my relationship with another man. My children love me; in fact, my sixteen year old lives with my partner and me. My family of origin hasn’t rejected me and I have a strong spiritual life (non-Christian). The only people that I have problems with are those who don’t even try to understand what I’ve been through and look at the world through their narrow view that says “God hates me” and that justifies their bigotry and ignorance.
Repeat after me, “It’s not a choice to be gay or straight. It just is!”
Extract from interview.
| Mark:
| “You don’t understand and don’t even want to try! You tell me I choose to be gay and so I should put up with the consequences, the ridicule and hatred.”
|
| Ted:
| “That’s not my problem. It’s the problem of the person who chose to be gay!”
|
| Mark:
| “How many times do you have to be told, Ted, before it sinks in that nobody presents you with a menu with boxes marked ‘Straight’ or ‘Gay’ and you choose ‘Straight’. People don’t choose their sexual orientation. It is a given and people simply have to wrestle with the implications inherent in their orientation.”
|
| Ted:
| “Prove this to be true. We have gone over this time and time again, and you only have your opinions and unsubstantiated claims to fall back on.”
|
Source: Gay Stories: Coming Out
 lthough I’m Australian, I can’t say that my experience has been all that different from that of many others.
I finally came Out to myself when I was 25/26 and to other people when I was about 27. To say that it was a difficult fear-filled experience would be an understatement.
I guess there were many reasons why it took me so long. Firstly, I was brought up as a Catholic. I went to Catholic schools all my life where there was little taught about sex, and most of that was naughty, naughty stuff, wait ‘til you’re married sort of stuff. I had little understanding of sexuality or sex, and no role models to speak of. The city I grew up in – Wollongong – is very working class and yobbo-macho. No poofters there! At least that’s the way it seemed.
When I was in High School I was picked on just about every day by the other boys, verbal and physical abuse and harassment continued for years. They called me a poofter, even thought I didn’t quite understand then what it meant. All I knew was that poofters got bashed (like I did) and killed, and that everyone thought they were disgusting perverts, etc. The local media never helped either. Wollongong is a working-class town and all the local media ever wrote about homosexuals were stories where they could include the words pedophiles or perverts in big headlines.
At fifteen, just as my sexuality was starting to take hold, I came up with a grand scheme to do away with all these confusing emotions and I became very religious. You see, Catholic priests took vows of celibacy – so that was my answer. I was going to be a priest. Then I didn’t have to discuss my sexuality at all. I also joined a pretty fundamentalist youth group; that didn’t help either. So I suppressed it and hid my sexuality away, deep, deep away. By the time I was eighteen I was moving fast from the religious phase and University became my next vehicle of sublimation. Yes, I got distinctions and high distinctions with veritable ease as I didn’t have much else to think about. I learned Sign Language and within a year I was teaching and interpreting it… amazing. I didn’t have much else to do. I masturbated like a jackhammer, night and day and fantasized about the men I’d met, but assumed that when I reached an appropriate age all of a sudden I would change. Ha, ha, ha.
Occasionally, while at Uni, I saw adverts for a Gay Society on campus. I thought about joining and it turned me on so much that it scared me. I never went. That was for poofters and I wasn’t one of those limp-wristed perverts. Seems I learnt too well in high school.
After I finished my undergrad degree and started on a Masters and a research job, I started opening up. I got interested in Drama and writing. I started going to parties and began experimenting with drugs and different types of music. I even tried the ‘sex thing’ with a few women but whenever they were snogging me on their lounge I was secretly eyeing off their male flatmates or brothers. Nope, that wasn’t right for me. The longest I sustained a relationship was about three weeks.
When I was 25 I met a gay man, Terry. He didn’t try to bonk me, but he did talk openly and honestly about his life and what he liked to do with men. I was astonished and turned on like never before. He made me confront myself and think about my sexuality. Before long I could look in a mirror and admit that I was probably gay, but I was still repressed. Yes, I was gay but was I going to do anything about it? No! Was I going to tell anyone else? No!
After this I went into months, years of depression by denying my sexuality and hiding away from life. I was suicidal. I wouldn’t talk to anyone. I dropped out of drama and nearly lost my research job. I hid from most of my friends. I realized I had to accept myself and come out properly. Looking in the mirror wasn’t enough; it was the mirror hanging onto the inside of the closet door that counted. Hello!
Sometimes it takes death to affirm the desire for life, and my uncle’s death in New Zealand confirmed this. It was a very sad funeral and it got me thinking as well. When my parents died who was going to comfort me? When I died who was going to mourn me? I was 27 and [it was] time to start working on those hidden parts of my life. The next week I came back to the campus and saw an advert in the Uni newspaper for the campus gay group. I went and saw them the very next day, and as far as I’m concerned the real Coming Out started then and there, when I was 27.
I felt it difficult to adjust to the life stream. The few boyfriends/relationships I’ve had haven’t been particularly successful. Like many others have said, I’m a mental adolescent trapped in a grown man’s body. My psycho-sexuality had been stomped on and buried when I was 14 or 15. I’ve spent the last two years endeavoring to undo all that damage. I’m trying to live with other people again which is very difficult as I lived alone for seven years. I’m trying to trust people again; again very difficult as I haven’t had an intimate/close friend for years. In an endeavor to get on with my life I moved out of that flat in Wollongong and moved closer to the gay nightlife of Sydney, leaving the old ghosts of my past behind for a while. I moved in with four other people, a shock to the system that’s taken me the past six months to adjust. I’m starting to assert myself now, whereas in the past I’ve cared very little about myself. I still suffer from depression and have bad days, but I’m surprised at how many good days I have.
Now, 29, I feel I have enough self-confidence to start dating and doing all the things that my friends did when they were teenagers. I still feel bitter about the lost time; although in some ways it was never lost. Over the years I’ve achieved a lot, in all but one area. Now it’s time to fix that!
There is, of course, much more to my story, about other reasons, influences and events that have been significant. Hopefully, this story will show why I didn’t come out earlier in life and it may help others struggling with their orientation.
Source: Gay Stories: Coming Out
 etting rejected is tough. Even the most confident people have a hard time dealing with it. You may have done everything just right in your eyes, but there will be those insane moments when you are faced with the realization that there are individuals out there who are neither thinking of you nor loving you at this moment. We must learn to take rejection in our stride instead of a temper tantrum because it will serve us well both in the long term and short term.
As a famous philosopher stated, “That which does not destroy us only makes us stronger!” When it comes to rejections, this statement couldn’t be more appropriate. Being refused can actually serve as an invaluable learning experience. If you accept the fact that you will always have to overcome obstacles in life in order to achieve your goals, you will soon understand that rejection just makes you a more rounded and successful person. It is rejection and failure that reveal our limitations and motivates us to overcome them.
Saving Face
The problem with rejection is that it’s usually not the refusal that hurts, but having to get out of the sticky situation. It’s human nature to pout, criticize or storm away when confronted by a flat-out, unapologetic rejection. It’s hard to walk away with your head held high when you’ve just had your hopes terminated.
But rejection really doesn’t have to be so painful. There is an abundance of ways to gracefully extricate yourself from this sticky situation and still maintain your dignity in the process. Once you learn some primary techniques for handling rejection, you will not only feel good about yourself, but actually feel better than before you were rejected.
Be Polite
If you have ever believed in the theory of Killing with Kindness, now is the time to make the best use of it. When you are rejected you can save face by simply being polite. You can say how nice it was to converse with him/her and even mention something about staying friends in the future. Politeness will give you a sense of superiority that no known act of rudeness will achieve. This way you will come off looking like the bigger, better person for having the grace and character not to hold a grudge as well.
Appreciate Their Honesty
If you thank someone for being honest you will always be able to turn a negative situation into a positive one.
Always Keep Smiling
Even though rejection hurts never let someone see your pain. No matter how sensitive a person you are, you’ll always regret it by the next morning if you run into that person again. You don’t want them and their friends to break into laughter at the sight of your pathetically fragile self.
The easiest was around this situation is for you to keep your composure by plastering a smile on your face. Even if you are falling apart and feel like falling down on the ground and crying like a helpless baby, you will begin feeling happy through your grin. That’s the ultimate beauty of a smile. If you can fake it for a little while, it will lift your sprints to the point where it become genuine
By John R. Ballew, M.S., L.P.C.
 en aren’t always socialized to talk about what they are feeling and can feel at least a little lost getting into the deep intimacy of relationships. Fortunately, we can grow in our capacity to be intimate with one another.
I once heard someone say that intimacy was an unarmed encounter between two vulnerable individuals. Both parts of this statement are important. We need to disarm, to let go of the urge to be right and to avoid an urge to punish the other person, even when we feel we have been injured. Being able to assert and express ourselves without attacking the other is important in deepening our connection with others.
Appropriate vulnerability means opening ourselves even when that presents the possibility of being misunderstood or hurt. It can be a challenge not to be defensive when we are being challenged, which is one reason intimacy isn’t always easy, even when we know we want it. It’s easier to let down your guard when the person you are with is trustworthy and means you no harm. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone whose behavior causes you to feel unsafe most of the time, you are going to have a difficult time being very intimate. If you find yourself choosing partners like this repeatedly, consider getting help to break this unhealthy pattern.
It’s tough to do all this if you haven’t seen healthy intimacy modeled by adults while you were growing up. Unfortunately, many of us have found ourselves in that predicament. Regardless of what you were or were not taught growing up, you are capable of having a fulfilling relationship.
A good place to start is by being patient with your partner and with yourself. Letting down your guard and learning new ways of connecting with another person both take time. Be gentle with yourself.
True intimacy requires knowing what is in your heart and finding ways to communicate this to your partner. Some men find that when they look inside themselves, mostly what they feel is anxious, numb and confused. Don’t let these feelings stop you. In fact, speaking about your difficulty and discomfort may be a good place to start.
If you find yourself confused, start by learning to simply take a note of your feelings. You don’t always have to respond quickly to every question or statement if that means engaging your mouth before you have sorted through what is in your heart. Take a breath and learn to pay attention to what is going on inside of you. In the same way that all colors are variations of the primary colors – red, yellow, and blue – all feelings tend to be variations of one of four primary emotions – sad, glad, mad or scared.
Men have sometimes been taught to fear their emotions, or to cut themselves off from emotions that cause them to feel vulnerable: “Only babies cry!,” “Don’t be a wimp!” Feelings of sadness, tenderness, or hurt may then become complicated by feelings of shame or embarrassment. The problem is, having feelings is a crucial part of having a deeper capacity for intimacy and of being truly emotionally healthy. While men who have learned to fear their emotions may worry that they will be overwhelmed by them, the true way to have sad emotions run your life is to feel shame over having them in the first place!
Let go of the need to have your communication or your relationship be perfect. Focus instead, on being real and telling the truth.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues relating to coming out, sexuality and relationships, and spirituality.
Source: www.bodymindsoul.org
|
