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>By John R. Ballew, M.S.
 exual orientation refers to the emotional, romantic, sexual, and affectional attraction of an individual to a particular gender. The term orientation is generally used by professionals and researchers in human sexuality, as opposed to earlier formulations such as sexual preference.’ In general, human beings have one of three sexual orientations: attraction to individuals of the other gender is described as heterosexual, attraction to individuals of one’s own gender is described as homosexual, attraction to both genders is described as bisexual.
Along with biological sex (gender), gender identity (the psychological sense of being female or male) and social sex roles (cultural norms for masculine or feminine behavior), sexual orientation is one of the primary and enduring components of sexual identity. It should be noted that transgenderism – sense that one’s biological sex and gender identity are not congruent – is a separate matter from sexual orientation. It should be further noted that research in recent years has revealed sexuality is much more complex than most laypersons imagine. Even biological sex is not a simple, either-or, male-or-female phenomenon, but exists along a continuum.
Sexual behavior is not always congruent with sexual orientation. That is, persons who are primarily heterosexual may engage in sexual experimentation with someone of the same gender (e.g., during adolescence), or may engage in repeated activity when no other outlet is available (e.g., in prison). Similarly, homosexually oriented persons may engage in heterosexual acts, marry, and become parents. In neither case does the behavior define the person’s enduring emotional, affectional and sexual attraction.
Sexual orientation is a modern concept. The term homosexual, for instance, was unknown in ancient times and was first used in private correspondence in 1868 by Karoly Kertbeny. It first appeared publicly in two anonymous German pamphlets published in 1869 that opposed extending a Prussian anti-sodomy law to all of the German Confederation. The term heterosexual is of even more recent origin.
The American Psychiatric Association has, since 1973, regarded sexual orientation as a matter of human variation, not [a] mental illness. The American Psychological Association adopted a similar position in 1975. In both instances, the decisions to declassify homosexuality were based upon research that indicated no differences between heterosexuals and homosexuals in social or emotional problems, or in level of functioning. The following is taken from the American Psychological Association statement on homosexuality that was released in July 1994:
The research on homosexuality is very clear. Homosexuality is neither mental illness nor moral depravity. It is simply the way a minority of our population expresses human love and sexuality. Study after study documents the mental health of gay men and lesbians. Studies of judgment, stability, reliability, and social and vocational adaptiveness of all show that gay men and lesbians function every bit as well as heterosexuals. Nor is homosexuality a matter of individual choice.
Research suggests that the homosexual orientation is in place very early in the life cycle, probably even before birth. It is found in about ten percent of the population, a figure which is surprisingly constant across cultures, irrespective of the different moral values and standards of a particular culture. Contrary to what some imply, the incidence of homosexuality in a population does not appear to change with new moral codes or social mores. Research findings suggest that efforts to repair homosexuals are nothing more than social prejudice garbed in psychological accouterments.
Some conservative religious groups and some psychoanalysts have continued to attempt to modify or change individual’s sexual orientation. Some homosexually-oriented persons have essentially renounced all sexual behavior as a result of such efforts; some are able to function sexually with someone of the other gender. In no case has research proven that these interventions have reoriented someone’s sexual orientation from homosexual to heterosexual.
In the last quarter of the 20th century, religious and social conservatives have often voiced concern that lesbian and gay persons are more likely to sexually abuse children. A study published by the American Academy of Pediatrics in July, 1994, researched 249 cases of child sexual abuse and found only two instances where the perpetrator was identified as gay or lesbian. In that sample, the child’s risk of being molested by the heterosexual partner of a relative was more than one hundred times as great. This is consistent with statistical reports than more than 98% of sexual abuse in childhood is perpetrated by male adults upon female children.
The origins of human sexual orientation remain incompletely understood. If there is a consensus among researchers at present, it is that sexual orientation has it’s origins in genetics and inborn hormonal conditions, and possibly life experiences of early childhood. Sexual orientation is nor a choice in the way that the term is customarily used. One does not choose to be heterosexual, bisexual, gay, or lesbian. While sexual orientation often emerges during adolescence, along with the first sexual feelings, many individuals are aware of their sexual orientation long before their first sexual experiences – often as early as 3–5 years of age.
Research by Simon LeVay and others have indicated neuro-chemical and neuro-physiological differences between individuals of different sexual orientations. (It should be noted that most research has been limited to make subjects). LeVay, a neuro-anatomist at the Salk Institute, examined the hypothalamus of deceased men and found a difference in size between heterosexuals and homosexuals, suggesting a biological mechanism involved in sexual orientations. Studies conducted at Northwestern University and Boston University found that if one sibling is homosexual, the chance of another sibling being homosexual is as follows:
- 52% for an identical twin
- 22% for a fraternal (non-identical) twin
- 10% for adopted or non-twin genetic siblings
The results suggest a strong genetic component for sexual orientation.
Statistics regarding the numerical distribution of sexual orientation within the population are somewhat inconsistent due to the inherent difficulty in asking individuals to identify information that could subject them to homophobia and prejudice. Various studies have estimated that 3–10% or more of the population in the United States is homosexually-oriented. A common estimate is that 6% of adult males are exclusively homosexually-orientated. Somewhat fewer women than men share a same-gender sexual orientation: estimated are often 3–5% of the female population. Less research and information is available about bisexuality.
What then finally, can be said about sexual orientation? As research into human sexuality increases our base of knowledge, patterns are emerging:
- Bisexual, homosexual, and heterosexual orientations have been found throughout human history and human cultures.
- Sexual orientation appears primarily biogenetic in origin and is discovered rather than chosen.
- Sexual orientation is not a predictor of social or emotional functioning – it is not a mental illness.
- Efforts to alter sexual orientation through behavior therapy, psychoactive drugs, prayer, etc., have not affected primary sexual orientations.
John Ballew, M.S. is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta, USA.
A talk given by Justice Michael Kirby to students of St Ignatius College, Riverview.
 n upbringing in religious values affords many instances of saints and heroes. They are generally troublesome people who look ahead and speak up. Where necessary, they stand bravely against established power, even against the whole world. This is why our heroes include Thomas More, Martin Luther, Deitrich Bonhoeffer, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, and Nelson Mandela.
In some matters of social justice—Aborigines, refugees, the poor and unemployed, alcoholics, and the sick and dying—the churches have an admirable record of defending human rights. They stand up like heroes. But in other matters—the role of women, the predicament of drug-dependant people, and sexuality—they have a long way to go.
It has been reported that the Anglican and Catholic archbishops of Sydney have reminded their congregations of what they say are church teachings that homosexual acts are contrary to moral law. I am not competent to engage with these reverend men in theological debate, but I can give you another point of view, drawn from my own experience.
When I was at school in the 1950s, no one spoke about homosexuality. There was very little talk at school about sex generally. Sometimes there was schoolboy derision of certain students as poofters. But for the most part the subject was well and truly locked in the closet.
It was at high school that I realised that I was gay. I also discovered that my church, my school friends, and my society, expected me to be thoroughly ashamed of myself. I was supposed to keep totally silent and to hide my feelings. I thought that there was no one that I could talk to about them. If I showed my feelings or tried to respond to them, I ran the risk of being caught by the police and locked in jail. I never really accepted these attitudes. But I went along with them, as most people did in those days. It was a lonely time of denial – even from my family.
I want to tell you that gays and lesbians exist, as they always have, in every walk of life. They are no better and no worse than other people. They have most of the same problems and joys and worries and hopes as heterosexual people have. Many have a long-term partner, as I have. Most have families, mortgages, and domestic pets. Nowadays more and more are unwilling to go along with the game of shame.
As you grow up, you will meet many people who are homosexual. They may be footballers, musicians, truck drivers, or judges. You should refuse to join the herd mentality that calls them poofters, queers, faggots, or other words of hate. You should reject poofter bashing and harassment of people you think might be gay. This is the conduct of cowards. These are the attitudes that led to the burning of heretics, the Holocaust, the Pink Triangle of the Nazis, and the genocide in Cambodia and East Timor. Such wicked conduct is only stopped when ordinary people reject the philosophy of Don’t ask, don’t tell and fully accept their fellow human beings in all of their diversity.
Often it takes the churches a long while to see the errors of their ways. Ultimately they tend to get it right. Martin Luther’s call for the use of modern languages in the place of Latin caused a terrible fuss. Galileo narrowly escaped burning as a heretic for teaching that the universe did not circle the Earth. Some protestant churches in South Africa claimed a scriptural basis for apartheid. Nobody defends such wrongs today. Usually the churches belatedly apologize.
I believe that there is now another matter upon which the churches—yours and mine—will ultimately realize their mistake. It concerns homosexuals. In May last year, two fine Catholics, Sister Jeannine Gramick and Father Robert Nugent, were prohibited from continuing their ministry to a gay and lesbian congregation in Maryland in the United States. They had done so for 20 years. Gramick and Nugent were told by their bishop that they must cease their ministry because they were not teaching the authentic doctrine of the church. They were not instructing their congregation about what was described as the intrinsic evil of homosexuality.
Intrinsic evil is a very serious verdict. It is the kind of language that, I believe, inflames hatred by outsiders and self-doubt and loathing amongst those concerned. I, for one, deny that I am intrinsically evil. Boringly enough, I think I am quite a good man. I respect and uphold the human rights of others. I do not think that it is too much to expect that others will respect my human dignity for who I am.
To demand a life of celibacy of the millions of homosexual people in this world—as some churches do—is not only totally unrealistic, it is completely unreasonable. Indeed, for most of humanity it is seriously unnatural. It amounts to an important aspect of personhood which is impossible and wrong to demand of all but a very few who are suited to the celibate life. In my experience, few if any gay and lesbian people choose their sexuality. It is like your gender, your skin colour or being left-handed. From the earliest days of puberty, you just know how you are. And if that is how you are, that is how God meant you to be.
With the wonderful intelligence that we were given at our birth and with the lesson of love and reconciliation that we are taught by our religion, we have, I believe, a duty to reject the notion that homosexuals and their sexuality are intrinsically evil. They are not. Those who suggest that they are carry a very heavy moral responsibility for the hate crimes, the bashings, the denigration, the family rejections, the shame, the suicides, the despairing exposure to HIV, and the lonely denial that they inflict on other human beings.
Among gays and straights, there is a need to stand up bravely together on these issues and to confront hatred and error. In due course, the churches will get it right. Let us hope that we do not have to wait too long for this apology.
By Jim Rohn
 he ultimate expression of life is not a paycheck. The ultimate expression of life is not a Mercedes. The ultimate expression of life is not a million dollars, or a bank account, or a home. Here’s the ultimate expression of life in my opinion, and that is living a good life. Here’s what we must ask constantly, “What, for me, would be a good life?” And you have to keep going over and over the list; a list including areas such as spirituality, economics, health, relationships, and recreation. What would constitute a good life? Here’s a short list.
- Productivity
You won’t be happy if you don’t produce. The game of life is not rest. We must rest, but only long enough to gather strength to get back to productivity. What’s the reason for the seasons and the seeds, the soil and the sunshine, the rain and the miracle of life? It’s to see what you can do with it. To try your hand; other people have tried their hand, here’s what they did. You try your hand and see what you can do. So part of life is productivity.
- Good Friends
Friendship is probably the greatest support system in the world. Don’t deny yourself the time to develop this support system; nothing can match it. It’s extraordinary in its benefits. Friends are those wonderful people who know all about you and still like you. A few years ago I lost one of my dearest friends. He died at age 53 – heart attack. David is gone, but he was one of my very special friends. I use to say of David that if I was stuck in a foreign jail somewhere accused unduly and if they allow me one phone call, I would call David. Why? He would come and get me. That’s a friend. Somebody who would come and get you. Now we’ve all got casual friends and if you called them they would say, “Hey, if you get back, call me and we’ll have a party!” So you’ve got to have both, real friends and casual friends.
- Culture
Your language, your music, the ceremonies, the traditions, the dress. All of that is so vitally important that you must keep it alive. In fact it is the uniqueness of all of us that when blended together brings vitality, energy, power, influence, uniqueness and rightness to the world.
- Spirituality
It helps to form the foundation of the family that builds the nation. Make sure you study, practice, and teach. Don’t be careless about the spiritual part of your nature; it’s what makes us who we are, different from animals, dogs, cats, birds and mice.
 hen I came out at 17, I realized that my body gave me immense power to attract men and to enjoy the intangible benefits awarded to those in possession of both youth and beauty. Yearning to make the most of those powers, and to shed the identity I once suffered as the skinniest kid on the block, I devoted myself increasingly to the gym. By the time I was 20, I was working out four to six days a week. I would frequently pass up social engagements in order to lift weights, even though, ironically, the reason I wanted muscles in the first place was to enrich my social life.
My body became the focus of my self-esteem – more important to me, even, than my success as an Ivy League college student.
Then, disaster struck.
When I was 21, I came down with a chronic pain disorder called fibromyalgia, a poorly understood disease that affects mostly women. Within a year of its onset, I was so blindsided by pain in my muscles and joints that I nearly dropped out of college three months before graduation. Forced to give up lifting weights, I switched to light lap swimming, but a few years later, even that was too painful, and I found myself unable to exercise at all. My prized muscles retreated and I began to soften around the middle.
When I finished college and was in too much pain to hold down a full-time job (I've still never had one) it was my grief over losing my body that caused me the most distress. I thought I would lose my manhood. I was sure no one would ever fall in love with me. I wanted to kill myself.
Not surprisingly, a 1994 study out of the University of Washington analyzing body dissatisfaction found that gay men and straight women suffer from similar societal pressures to achieve physical perfection. Interestingly enough, the study even speculated that gay men actually suffer more than straight women. Not only do they feel the need to please the fancies of visually oriented men, but they are also compelled to compete for the best body among their peers, a phenomenon common among straight men.
I would add that another major problem with the desire of gay men to be muscular is the belief, accurate or otherwise, that gays have to physically resemble the men they're trying to attract. I've always had a preference for more-muscular men, and not only does being less muscular make me feel like I'm at a disadvantage; it also makes me feel like I'm left out of some sort of club. Even though I know that I, as a major bookworm, have little in common with the gym rats, I sometimes still can't help the lonely feeling of being on the outside looking into those gym windows. After all, doesn't everybody know that you can't be gay without going to the gym? If I'm not there, what does that make me?
As I've come to learn through researching this article, I'm actually much better off than many of those guys on the other side of the glass.
The Adonis Complex, a landmark psychological exploration of men's struggles with body image, should be required reading for all gay men. Published in 2000, the book blew the lid off a secret men had been keeping for decades: For many, the struggle to be muscular and lean leads to a cycle of obsessions and compulsions so consuming and so painful that the book's authors believe it causes as much psychic strain to those who have the condition as those who suffer from anorexia. This dissatisfaction is on the rise: A 1997 study found that 45% of American men were unhappy with their muscularity, nearly double the percentage in 1972.
The book applies the term muscle dysmorphia to men who are never satisfied with their bodies – no matter how big their muscles are or how trim their waist is. The authors blame a culture that is increasingly focused on men's physiques in advertising, on television, and the like. Also—and this is key in order for gay men to understand—the upper threshold of what a man can achieve at the gym without steroids is much lower than we realize.
Sure, it's obvious that the man with the 20-inch biceps is on 'roids. But, as The Adonis Complex explains, many men may use them to achieve a high level of muscularity and still fall under our steroid-detecting radar. This leads us to believe that there's something wrong with us when we can't achieve similar results, despite valiant effort.
I can attest to the stress this kind of indirect peer pressure causes, having spent a few months living in Los Angeles last year, where steroid use is so obviously rampant. As I began to feel increasingly self-conscious about my 6'1", 153-pound body, I had to stop myself and realize that though the steroidal physique had actually become the norm in L.A., I was the normal one, not them. But could I celebrate being normal? Not in L.A.
Doing so is a tall order when gay men are so busy celebrating the unnatural. A couple of weeks ago, I had the displeasure of seeing a performance of Naked Boys Singing here in Manhattan. It's a dreadfully hokey musical review, performed by a cast of entirely naked men. The performers were all in relatively good shape, with naturally gym-toned bodies. But one actor had such a cartoon-like physique I had a hard time believing it was natural. Whether or not he's on steroids is perhaps beside the point. His presence in the show epitomized gay men's desire for the unattainable. Much of the show's choreography was designed to celebrate the supremacy of his physicality, which the vast majority of men could never achieve, no matter how long they spent in the gym. At several points, the show actually came to a halt because the audience wouldn't stop squealing at him.
I was outraged, mostly because the friend I was sitting next to has long suffered with his own body-image disorder – a condition he calls his manorexia. A former dancer, he once worked himself down to a dangerously low 3% body fat, until a colleague begged him to stop. The last thing he needed to see was a 90-minute musical devoted to impressing upon him that the body he will never have is the only one anyone should ever have.
As for me, growing acceptance of my own situation has prompted me not only to search for relief from physical pain, but also to start accepting my body, and to be grateful for what I do have. I recently discovered that studying dance both keeps me in shape and helps mitigate my physical symptoms, thanks to all the stretching involved. Also, dancing has helped me accept that having been born with a slender dancer's body is something to celebrate, rather than be ashamed of – it's OK with me that I'm not big and bulky. (I wish his own experience with dance had done the same for my friend.) I've worked to discard my own long-time tendency to buy into the linear caste system in the gay world, which states that bigger is always better. Being svelte isn't necessarily better either, just different – and diversity is something to celebrate.
I'll admit that sometimes I accept my body, and sometimes I don't. Self-image patterns, at least negative ones, are hard to fight. But more importantly, I've been diversifying my sources of self-esteem. I've learned to take pride in the other parts of myself.
Roberto Olivardia, Ph.D., a Harvard psychologist and co-author of The Adonis Complex, agrees with me on the importance of this mental shift. “It's almost as if you're building a house and you have only one pillar to hold up that house,” he told me. “It takes one kick of that pillar and the whole house crashes. If you have multiple pillars, multiple outlets of self-esteem, you can have a bad hair day and it doesn't break your day, because you have those other pillars to support you.”
Dr. Olivardia stresses that our obsessions with our bodies are often manifestations of other problems in our lives. For example, many men work out because they are embarrassed that being openly gay associates them with an effeminate identity, and they want to cover up that part of themselves with muscles.
“If you don't feel comfortable with yourself, the body just becomes a concrete way of sorting out those feelings,” Dr. Olivardia said.
He recommended that gay men help each other increase their self-esteem by recognizing positive attributes in one another that don't have anything to do with looks.
But let's stop for a second and try to imagine life without comparing our own insides with other people's outsides. Because, to quote Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Benjamin Ryan is a freelance journalist specializing in health coverage. A cum laude graduate of Columbia University, he lives in New York City.
Contact him at benjaminryan@gay.com.
By Karim Hajee
 et’s face it! Many of us choose to hang onto things that at some point in our life have hurt us, angered us, and made us feel sad or depressed. If we choose to hang onto them we will never move forward and we could even create physical or medical damage to our bodies. To prevent this from happening, we need to let go but no one really tells you how to let go and move forward. Sure it’s easy to say, “Just let go, move forward, forget about it, just let go!” But that really doesn’t work. I’m about to show you how to let go and start moving ahead.
Why You Need to Let Go and Move Forward
Throughout our lives we go through different experiences, some are positive and some are negative and unpleasant. When you hang onto a negative or unpleasant experience you are constantly thinking about it. And when you constantly think about that negative event you prevent yourself from healing. How many pleasant memories do you recall everyday? Chances are you’re like most people and you have a number of unpleasant experiences that you’re holding onto which are preventing you from moving forward.
The more you carry the worse life gets. Why? Because you’ve filled your mind with negative experiences, because you continually hang onto something that doesn’t allow you to move forward, in short, you’re carrying baggage that’s really slowing you down.
Think of it this way; you’re on a hiking trip and along the way you keep picking up heavy objects, things that really don’t serve you well. After awhile these objects begin to slow you down and unless you get ride of them you’ll never complete your trip.
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To let go, you have to focus your mind on different goals and different objectives. It’s not about saying, “I let go of the pain from my fight with… and move on.” That will help, but if you really want to start moving forward, then you have to get your mind to focus on new things; in the process you automatically let go of the experiences that have been slowing you down.
Researchers believe that if you hold onto negative feelings, sad emotions or depressing memories there is a possibility that you could reshape the human cell to the point where your thoughts of the past have a negative effect on your cells and your physical health.
Hanging onto negative past events is a process that can destroy your life in ways you’re not even aware of. Ask yourself these questions:
- Do the negative things you hang onto serve any purpose?
- Do they help you move forward?
- Do they work in your favour in any way?
If you said No to any or all of the above, then tell yourself this:.“This emotion/feeling doesn’t help me so I’m letting it go and focusing on what is important.” Then, begin focusing on what you want next; focus on what is important and what can improve your life. This is a simple process that gets the mind moving in a new direction and you stop building negative energy created from the negative events/emotions, which only attracts more negative situations and experiences. When you begin focusing on more positive things you begin attracting positive situations into your life.
The next step is to create an Action Plan; the past is over, let it go. Where do you want to go now and how do you plan to get there? You may not have the answers, but merely thinking about the options forces your mind to go in a new direction and you automatically let go of unwanted feelings and emotions. The key to success is to train your mind to move in a new direction so you send new messages to your subconscious mind, which then brings you the opportunities to move forward.
The final step is to live in the present moment, to start living in the Now. Living in the Now is different than living for the moment. Living in the Now is the process of enjoying everything that is going on at this present moment. Take a look around you and appreciate those things that you once thought were trivial. When you are here now, you can be nowhere else. You are not hanging onto something, you are here now. I know some of you may say, “But where I am right now really sucks. I don’t want to think about it.” It only sucks because you’re looking at all the negative things going on. Focus on a few of the positive things, anything from Nature to the wonderful family and friends you have. This will then force your mind to look at things differently and tells your subconscious mind that you’re ready for new possibilities. Then you’ll begin to let go and move forward.
By Leslie Karen Lobell, M.A.
 y letting go, we actually allow more of the mystery of life to come in for us.
“Isn't that what we wanted all along
Freedom like a stone
Maybe we were wrong
But I can say goodbye
Now that the passion's died
Still it comes so slow
The letting go”
Excerpt from the song, The Letting Go
Written and Performed by Melissa Etheridge
Letting go. It is difficult for us in so many ways and on so many levels. Yet life calls upon us to do it, over and over again. Letting go is part of our growth process. We cannot move on to the new while continuing to cling to the old.
There come times, in the context of love and romance, when we must learn to let go. For some of us, as described in the song, we must let go of a past romantic relationship. Maybe the relationship was not meant to be: perhaps it was hurtful to us, or perhaps it was hindering the personal or spiritual growth of one or both partners. In this case, even when there may still be feelings of passion, or attraction, or just the comfort of the familiar, we must be strong in letting go of something that is unhealthy for us. Perhaps we have no problem leaving the person behind, but we continue to harbor animosity. In this case, we need to let go of the anger: holding onto anger does not serve us - and it might even serve to create problems in our physical health or emotional well-being.
In the realm of romantic relationships, some of us need to let go of unrealistic expectations. Whether we have idealized a past relationship or just read too many romance novels, some of us need to let go of the myth of the perfect lover: the fantasy of a relationship that requires no work and just brings us “happily ever after.” By letting go, I am not implying “to forget” or “to ignore.” By all means, we should carry with us the happy memories and the lessons we have learned from our past relationships. However, we need to let go in the sense of releasing emotional baggage we may be carrying around with us, so that we may be open to, and present for, a new relationship.
Some of us have difficulty letting go of a friend or loved one who has passed away. I have known mothers who have lost a young child who never seem to cope with this loss, emotionally: they carry it with them for years, like a dark and ominous cloud that—even on a sunny day—looms on the horizon. Children can have as hard a time losing their parents, even when the parents have lived long and full lives. Often adult children who have lost a parent before working through interpersonal issues, or before having an opportunity to say goodbye, have difficulty letting go of unresolved issues or guilt. Sometimes we may need to go for some counseling or do a ritual (some act with personal meaning) to allow us to release these emotions.
Many of us have trouble letting go of old ways of viewing people who have been part of our lives for an extended period of time. They may be changing, and yet we do not let go of viewing them in the same way, and/or we try to discourage that change. We refuse to let go of the labeling, categorizing, and pre-set expectations we have of those we know, and of ourselves. This seems particularly true of many parents of teenage or young adult children. Many parents have a difficult time letting go of them as children, and allowing them to grow up. It is hard for parents to make that transition from treating their children as kids, to treating them as adults and more like friends. Many of these same parents have trouble letting go of viewing themselves, primarily, in the role of parent. For instance, some mothers are afraid to let their kids become grown-ups, because they are afraid to let go of their own identity as Mother. They have become so identified with that one role, that they no longer are sure who they are, outside of that role. When we refuse to let go of old ways of identifying and viewing ourselves and others, we hinder the growth and change that is occurring.
There is a saying: “Let Go, Let God.” For most, if not all, of us, the letting go that we most need to do is a type of surrender. We need to surrender to life, itself. This means that we need to let go of our illusion that we actually can control most aspects of our lives. In many cases, rather than to fight what is, we need to learn to accept and to be at peace.
Too many of us are trying to keep a tight grip on things that are out of our control. This is like trying to grip the water flowing in a river. Put your hands into the river. If you try to get the water by grabbing it and clenching your fists, it goes right out of your hands. If you relax and open, gently cupping your hands, the water flows into your palms. By relaxing, opening, and trusting, we can hold onto more of what is precious to us. By letting go, we actually allow more of the mystery of life to come in for us.
By Brian Rzepczymski, the Gay Love Coach.
“It just hit me out of the blue when Mike left me. We hadn’t really been together all that long, but I thought I’d finally found my true soul mate. Now it’s over and I feel totally rejected, like nobody’s ever going to want me again. It’s so hard finding a decent guy and now I have to start all over again. I don’t know if I can. I feel like a failure at relationships. I just don’t know what to do.”
Eric
“Steve and I broke up after eight years together. The house feels so empty without him and the pain can be so unbearable at times. The loneliness is the worst part for me and it’s like there’s this big hole inside of me, this nagging hurt that won’t go away. I think about him all the time and wonder if I’m ever going to get over him. I’ve never felt more alone and confused in my life.”
Josh
he ending of a relationship, for whatever reason, can be one of the most painful experiences that we can go through. Having made ourselves vulnerable by opening our hearts to another and loving him to the fullest capacity almost feels spiritual, now it’s been replaced with a crushing sense of loss and emptiness that feels quite devastating. The length of time together, the quality of the relationship, and the level of emotional investment in it all determine the intensity of the grief experience when you and your lover part ways.
This article will explore the grieving process involved with relationship breakups and offer tips and strategies for facilitating your grief to move you toward healing so you can start your life over on a better footing.
The Grieving Experience
The experience of breaking up with a boyfriend or partner can be likened to a death, with layer upon layer of losses resulting. Not only is his absent physical presence felt as a loss, but other loses like hopes, dreams, expectations, identity, security, and trust compound and complicates your adjustment. Life as you knew it has been shaken and your vision for your future has been altered. You experience a roller coaster of emotions. It’s common to feel rejected, abandoned, insecure, powerless and hopeless. Confusion and feeling a sense of failure and regret are common, as well as varying degrees of anger, depression and guilt. You might even become preoccupied with you ex-lover, obsessing about him and thinking constantly about your life together and what he might be doing now.
In her book, Healing a Broken Heart (1997), Nancy Joy Carroll, Ed.D, outlines four stages of relationship loss that are common in the aftermath of a break-up. They include the following:
Stage 1: Shock and Denial
This usually occurs immediately after the split-up. You might feel numb, believe that this can’t be happening, and minimize the reality of the situation. You feel sad, angry, confused and might blame yourself.
Stage 2: Despair
You begin to see that the ending is inevitable and experience profound sadness, loneliness, depression, and impaired concentration. You might try to bargain with you partner to try to convince him to give the relationship another chance. You idealize your partner. You feel unlovable, wondering if you can made it on your own, and feel a loss of identity.
Stage 3: Detachment
Anger becomes more pronounced and you begin to hold your partner more responsible for the relationship split. This stage is particularly helpful as your anger helps to create some distance for you from him and you’re not as enmeshed.
Stage 4: Recovery
In this final stage, you come to an acceptance of the loss and learn to let go, redefining yourself as a single man again and feel more empowered to cultivate new experiences and opportunities for personal growth.
Tips Along the Grief Path
You are going through a major shift in your identity. Be patient and kind with yourself as you journey through the grieving process. Keep these tips in mind as you forage through the pain you’re experiencing to prevent any blocks or impediments along the path of healing. It can be a rocky road, but staying focused and conscious will promote a smoother and more successful transition to the new you.
Everyone grieves at their own rate and pace; there’s no timeline, so don’t rush yourself. It can sometimes take years.
As you go through the stages of loss, be aware that healing is not linear. Expect to progress up and down through the stages. Endure through it.
Avoid stuffing your feelings; be open to them no matter how much it hurts. Suppressing your emotions only puts a temporary band-aid on your suffering and prolongs your healing. It’s OK to cry.
Avoid self-medicating your feelings. Beware of alcohol, drugs, gambling, work, food, sex, or other vices to comfort yourself during this difficult time. These can distract from your grieving work and become addictions.
Depression and anxiety are common emotions during this period. Should their experience interfere with your daily functioning or accomplishment of tasks, seek assistance from a license mental health therapist.
Earlier losses and unfinished business from the past can be triggered when you encounter relationship loss. Be prepared to deal with these as well.
Avoid making major life decisions. Allow yourself time to get more grounded and centered first. Grief can have a tricky way of clouding our judgment if not careful.
Avoid jumping into another relationship right away. Grieve this one completely first.
Ignore others attempts to tell you how you should feel or tha you should be “over it by now”. They don’t live your experience and they are typically projecting their own discomfort with loss and grief.
Avoid being friends with your ex, initially. It’s common for gay men to remain friends with their ex-boyfriends; decide for yourself if this is something that you would be able to do, and if so, allow yourself some time and space first to grieve. It can be very difficult to transition from Life Partner to just friends immediately after a breakup. You need time to heal to be able to appropriately view your ex in a new role.
Additional Healing Tips and Strategies
Provide a daily structure for you to keep grounded. Stay busy, but not too busy that you get distracted from your emotional work.
Get connected with others. Surround yourself with positive supportive friends and get engaged with life, no matter how hard it is. Join a grief support group in your area to be with others who can share similar circumstances with you and normalize your grief.
Find a renewed sense of purpose and passion. Join an organization or a cause you care about, take a class, cultivate a new hobby, and be involved! Bring healthy pleasure into your life.
Learn to be comfortable being alone. Do some self-soothing and nurturing activities. Find value in self-renewal.
Take this opportunity to learn more about yourself. Work with a life coach to help you learn about healthy relationships and crafting a new vision for your future. Recognize patterns in your relationships and identify areas where you can improve your relationships skills.
Challenge negative self-talk by replacing it with more enhancing, affirming, coping thoughts. Identify your strengths and value your self-esteem. Use the power of affirmations and write them on index cards for quick reference.
Remove items that remind you of your ex-lover and tuck them away somewhere so they’re not a constant visual trigger for you. There will come a time when they won’t be so jarring to you.
Create a ritual of closure for your relationship (e.g., throw an I’m moving on party with close friends). Find a way to commemorate the relationship and what it meant to you to aid in letting go.
Create a scrapbook or collage of memories of your relationship when you’re ready.
Release your feelings productively. Take out several sheets of paper and at the top of each write an emotion you feel (sad, angry, hurt, resentful, etc.). Then down the side of the full length of the paper write “I feel…” and fill in the blank about that particular emotion to release all the feelings you have regarding that as it pertains to your relationship grief. Do some self-soothing afterwards.
Keep a journal or write your ex-lover a letter sharing your feelings and what the relationship meant to you. DO NOT SEND THIS TO YOUR EX. This is for your therapeutic benefit only. Or talk to an empty chair pretending your ex is sitting there and practice processing your emotions this way. This can be extremely cathartic.
Conclusion
Breaking is hard to do, as an old song put it. Realize that your pain is a tribute to the significance that the relationship held for you and that you are a survivor. How you choose to deal with the breakup will impact the direction of your life and how soon you will be able to rebuild your life. Identify healthy outlets that you can channel your feelings towards, pinpoint potential blocks that could get in the way of your healing process, and allow yourself to be open to love again when you’re ready. A new beginning with opportunity and possibility awaits you on the other side of the rainbow.
Reference: Carroll, Nancy Joy Healing a Broken Heart: A Recovery Handbook for Relationship Loss Brentwood, TNLife Skills Publications, 1997.
By Duane Wells
 irst dates can be such nerve-wracking affairs.
They’re always shrouded by that foreboding notion that we must make just the right impression, that we must sound just the right chord if we are ever to get off the seemingly endless first date merry-go-round that is part and parcel of single life in the new millennium. And let’s face it, getting the first date is the easy part. Getting the first date to lead to a second date is what often proves a tad bit more troublesome for most of us.
Now, the bridge between the first and second date is founded upon any number of elements, but we all know that one of the most critical elements is what we choose to wear. Hence the reason we all agonize over the issue. We call our friends, we rampage through our wardrobes searching for the perfect outfit as though possessed by some otherworldly energy and then, once settled on an ensemble, we panic about how what we choose accentuates our physical flaws. Trust me, I’ve been there (and for the record I still am).
Out of my wealth of first date experiences, I have come up with a few rules about dressing for a first date that I’d like to share in the hope that they will help those of you stepping into the breach of first dates in the days and weeks ahead.
Rule #1: Preparation Increases the Probability of a Second Date
Preparations for what you will wear should kick off the minute you make or accept a date. Never wait till the day of your date to begin thinking about these things because you will inevitably frustrate yourself. There’s nothing more tiresome than discovering minutes before you are to embark on your date that the shirt you want is at the cleaners or that there’s a stain on the pants that you’re dying to wear. Choose several outfits ahead of time and inspect them. That way on the day of your date, you can focus solely on looking your unstressed-out best.
Rule #2: Be More Than a Label
One of the most common mistakes people make on first dates is trying to prove something. You don’t need to wear every expensive piece of designer clothing or jewelry that you own in order to win over your date. What you do need is to choose something that is simple and tasteful, which is flattering to your physique, and accentuates your best attribute, like a blue shirt that complements your sparkling blue eyes or that great pair of slim legged black pants that makes your posterior look oh-so-very appealing. Be more than a label or a price tag, by letting your sparkling personality and wit outshine your ensemble.
Rule #3: Sparkle, But Don’t Be Shiny
Let me put this as plainly as I possibly can. Club wear is never appropriate for a first date, unless you’re going to costume party (and even then it is a questionable choice.) That sparkly shirt or those satin-y pants may be appropriate for partying with friends and I don’t doubt that they make you look quite hot, but let understatement be your guiding principle when dressing for a first date. No need to give away all your cookies on the first date. Save some surprises for future dates and in so doing you’ll keep it interesting.
Rule #4: Be Yourself, But Not Too Much So
One of the most important things about dressing for first dates is to remember to be you. Let your personal style shine through, because that will make you feel comfortable and confident on your date. But that doesn’t mean that you have to make every fashion quirk you have apparent up front. Here again let your personality outshine your preference for Kabuki sandals or your love of mixing plaids and checks. Both can be done with style, but does one really need to learn about all of that on a first date. Remember that bit about saving some of of your cookies?
Rule #5: Make It Look Effortless
Above all else, avoid looking contrived. Even if you’ve spent three days pulling yourself together for your first date, you shouldn’t look like you have. Haircuts shouldn’t be too fresh, nor should manicures. Always plan to get both a couple days before your date, so they look fresh and not painfully so. And always choose the kind of classic ensemble that can easily transcend environments. Choose something that you could have worn to the office or that you might wear out for a smart cocktail with fashionable friends depending upon the nature of your date. Bottom line: Of course, you’ve spent a week preparing for the date, but nobody needs to know except you.
So there you have it: five simple rules that will hopefully make those elusive second dates more attainable.
Keywords for first dates: Preparation, understatement, reserve, and comfort. Always remember that whatever ensemble you choose for a first date, wear it with flair and confidence because after all, it’s not so much the clothes that matter, it’s the style that matters.
By Jim Rohn
 ach of us have two distinct choices to make about what we will do with our lives. The first choice we can make is to be less than we have the capacity to be. To earn less. To have less. To read less and think less. To try less and discipline ourselves less. These are the choices that lead to an empty life. These are the choices that, once made, lead to a life of constant apprehension instead of a life of wondrous anticipation.
And the second choice? To do it all! To become all that we can possibly be, to read every book that we possibly can, to earn as much as we possibly can, to give and share as much as we possibly can, to strive and produce and accomplish as much as we possibly can.
All of us have the choice. To do or not to do. To be or not to be. To be all, or to be less, or to be nothing at all.
Like the tree, it would be a worthy challenge for us all to stretch upward and outward to the full measure of our capabilities. Why not do all that we can, every moment that we can, the best that we can, for as long as we can?
vaccine undergoing early trials in Sweden is reviving hopes for a so-called DNA vaccine against the AIDS virus.
The vaccine has successfully completed the first phase of tests among 40 Swedish HIV-negative volunteers, the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm said in a statement coinciding with World AIDS Day.
“It has been more effective than we thought it would be,” Eric Sandstroem, professor and head of clinical testing at the institute told AFP. “We have also failed to find any vaccine-related side effects at all,” he added Thursday.
“There is every reason to be hopeful, even though the study is not finished,” Karolinska professor Britta Wahren who developed the vaccine said.
Trials for new vaccines undergo a long, three phase process. In the first phase, the formula is tested on a small group of volunteers to see primarily whether it is safe, but also to see whether it induces a response from the immune system. After that it goes through progressively wider trials, among thousands of volunteers, to assess effectiveness.
DNA vaccines are an experimental technology in which one or more genes coding for specific antigens—surface proteins on the virus—are directly injected into the body. The goal is that they induce an immune response so that the body's defenses recognize the virus if it ever enters the body.
“The technology is highly promising for producing simple, inexpensive and heat-stable vaccines,” the US-headquartered International AIDS Vaccine Initiative (IAVI) says. “However, there have been a lot of disappointments with this approach,” said Sandstroem.
“There has been skepticism about whether it would in fact be possible to use DNA vaccines for HIV on humans. In that context our findings are really uplifting,” Sandstroem said.
The researchers are now planning on entering a second phase of testing in which a Modified Vaccinia Ankara (MVA) vaccine is used to try to boost immune response. “There is much to indicate that the final result when the study is finished will be above our expectations,” Sandstroem said, adding that 38 of the subjects from the first phase of the study had already volunteered for the second phase.
The trial wraps up next May or June. The researchers hope to launch a third phase of tests in Tanzania to determine whether the vaccine actually limits the effects of the virus for those infected with HIV.
In the 24-year history of AIDS, only one vaccine has completed the full three-phase trial process – AIDSVAX, which was found to be a disappointing failure. At the moment, more than 30 candidate AIDS vaccines are being tested in small-scale human clinical trials around the world, the majority of which began in the past four years in response to greater financial help.
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