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 o one knows the statistics of marriages where one partner is gay, but it is suspected that it happens far more frequently than society leads us to believe. In the majority of cases, the straight spouse might be totally unaware of the true sexuality of their partner. When, and if, they discover the whole truth, it can be devastating, often leading to the break-up of the marriage. But in some cases, particularly where the relationship between spouses is strong, the marriage can survive, though it is believed that only about 20–25% do survive which makes for depressing reading.
There are marriages where one partner knew about the sexuality of the other partner before the marriage took place. Where the partners have been more than honest with each other that is not to say that the marriage will be any more successful than one where the partners have been less honest with each other.
People marry for all sorts of reasons but a stereotypical marriage where the male is gay is as follows.
The male knows or suspects that he’s gay and perhaps has known it ever since he was quite young, some as young as four or five years old, others at the age of puberty. During his teens, he may have had some sexual activity with his male school friends, probably on a limited scale. However, he has been lead to believe by his peers and possibly by his parents that any gay tendencies are a passing phase, part of the growing up process, and he will become fully heterosexual in time. He may even have girlfriends at this stage, though perhaps not with any sexual activity.
He may drift on through life until he reaches his late 20's or early 30's, or even later, by which time he feels that it’s time to settle down, build a love-nest and raise a family. He may meet a girl with whom he feels comfortable and who feels comfortable with him. Stereotypically, she is the type of girl who may not have had much experience with men, whom she found intimidating. The gay male, though she may not know he is gay, is possibly less intimidating to her. They get married and consummate their marriage by having a child or two. The gay husband may even quite enjoy having sex with his wife, after all he has convinced himself that he is no longer gay, but a normal heterosexual guy.
Some years later along comes the male menopause, or whatever you like to call it – the trigger could be a period of high stress, such as the threat of redundancy at work, difficulties within the marriage, or some other trigger. Often, this happens by the time the children have grown up and are about to leave the nest. The gay husband wakes to the fact that he has fulfilled his true sexuality. Yes, he is still gay, albeit one woman short of being gay. He may start to look at other men (if he has not already done this, sub-consciously). He may start to play around a bit, go to the local gay sauna, visit the odd gay bar or club, or venture onto the Internet seeking pictures and friends. The last thing he will do before starting this is talk to his wife.
Before long, the gay husband has gay partners with whom he meets for casual sex. He may even fall in love with one particular guy, sometimes very much younger than himself. All of the time, he may be putting himself and his wife at risk from sexually transmitted infections (STIs), like HIV, hepatitis, syphilis, etc. If he has any conscience at this time and any sense of responsibility he may start visiting the Sexual Health Clinic where he can undergo tests anonymously. He is relieved to discover that the tests prove negative.
We live in an enlightened society where homosexuality is more acceptable than it was ten, even twenty, years ago and yet, gay men still marry. Why is this happening? After all, it can cause a lot of pain for the innocent victims of such a marriage – the wife and the children. This probably is because many of the men that enter into marriage or a relationship with a woman have never truly accepted their own sexuality. They have never wanted to be gay, despite the baser instincts that tell them they have an interest in other men. They want to be normal, whatever that means, and be part of the majority. After all, this is what Society wants and expects, and tells them is normal.
Thus, they are more likely to endeavour to lead a normal life and all that goes with it, suppressing their innermost feelings for other men, and accepting the wife or girlfriend as being one woman short of being totally homosexual. Even though they know they are gay they can still love their wife or girlfriend as any normal man can love his wife or girlfriend, and they even convince themselves they are normal until the trigger happens that destroys it all.
There are those who say that homosexuality is wrong and homosexuals should not practice their homosexuality, that all homosexuals should abstain. That is fine to say if you’re not homosexual. Scientific research today suggests that homosexuality is a case of nature versus nurture, that a person’s sexual orientation is genetic, that most gay people are born that way. They do not have a choice. Abstinence on the only hand can cause depression and worse to occur – that as living beings, all men have as much right and need to have sexual fulfillment as the next man, whether they’re gay or heterosexual.
The fact is the man is gay, is married, and has to make the most of his situation without hurting too much his loved ones and at the same time meet his innermost needs. How does he do this? That is where he has a choice. It’s not easy, but he does have a choice. This choice could well be the most difficult and bravest thing he has ever done.
At some stage, when he comes to terms with his sexuality, he may consider it time to tell his wife, or he may continue to live a double life. If he’s decided to tell his wife how does he do it? If he’s going to tell her he’s probably already comfortable with his sexuality, but revealing it to his wife is going to be like a bombshell, unless she already suspects. Therefore, even though many a man in this situation has done so, it’s suggested he doesn’t just come out with it. Gradually introduce the idea, over time, permitting her to get used to the idea that you are not anti-gay and, indeed, are understanding and sympathetic towards gays. He may even gradually drop into the conversation that he is interested in the gay culture and has talked with one or two gay guys, and, now has a better understanding and acceptance of them, their lifestyle and culture.
Then, after a time, he can reveal to her, gently, that he also have gay tendencies. Remember, it is his decision and his alone to tell her. Sometimes, it is better not to tell, but let her suspect. Human beings, as complicated as we are, can often cope with something that is unsaid but understood, rather that something that is said and therefore known.
Some women when told can accept the situation; others cannot. The affect on some is catastrophic. After the revelation, the decision by both parties whether there is a future together is a big one and to stay together has to be for the right reasons, not just for the sake of the children. Remember, the history they’ve shared together, sometimes ten or more years, sometimes 30 years of reasonable happiness. Questions to consider here are:
- Is there any reason why the fundamental friendship that has been built up over the years should be broken?
- Is there no longer a need for each other?
If they decide to stay together they need to talk openly and establish basic rules for living together. Now that the gay or bisexual man has come Out and recognized his authentic sexuality he will not give up his new found sexuality and need for continued contact with other men.
The moment, he comes out to his wife the roller coaster starts. There will be good days and bad days. There will be acceptances and refusals. However, if he really wants the marriage to survive, he must give it his best shot, no matter what, and only give up if things are seemingly irreconcilable. At this stage it is strongly recommended that both parties seek advice, either through support groups like GAMMA, or face-to-face counselling.
 his is a quandary for many gay and bisexual men. Won’t the children be shattered if they know their father is gay or bisexual, a homo, or a poof?
There are those who will urge you to tell the children come what may, and certainly, if they know and they do not reject you, it is so much easier to live around the house, knowing that you have no worry any longer being discovered for who you really are.
But whether or not the kids are told is up to the husband and wife and how they think the children will take it. There are many cases where the children have been told quite young and there seems to be no ill effect, although there can be repercussions at school if other children know about it. Bullying might follow unless the children can cope with that sort of situation. Some children, brought up in a gay relationship, have been known as the children with two Dads.
When children are older, in their mid- to late-teens, discovering their father is gay or bisexual can have serious consequences, particularly as they themselves are probably trying to discover their own sexual identity. They may well be slightly homophobic at this stage; after all, life is still very black and white to some, with no grey shades. They will worry that they may have inherited their father’s sexuality; in fact, there is a belief that homosexuality can only be inherited through the female line. He may run the risk of losing his children at this stage, so it may be wise to wait until they are old enough and mature enough to accept that their father does not match society’s stereotypical father, possibly as late as their 20's and 30's. Once again, the choice is his and when he thinks is the right time. Listen to your children and try to work out what they are telling you.
 or many married men who have discovered their new sexual identity, the initial reaction is to find a relationship with another man, even those that are still in one with their wife. After all, wouldn’t it be nice to be living with a man? Wouldn’t it be nice to wake up in the morning and find him there – after all, in the words of Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady: “…men are so understanding, …so perfectly fair!”
If he’s in this situation he needs to stop and think before launching off in search of the ideal male mate, when he has been living in a relationship with someone, his wife or girlfriend, for a number of years. “What makes a man-to-man relationship any better than a male-to-female one?’ There is no particular reason why it should be any better. A relationship is not necessarily about sexuality. A relationship is a magnifier of emotions between two people, whether male–female or male–male. It’s not about what is right or easier. It [life] is about learning to honor oneself. If his feelings are telling him he would rather be with a man, it is not because it would be easier with a man than being with a woman. This is important for the man to realize. It is really scary for some men to have the balls to say first of all that they prefer men, and then to take that first step. It’s about honoring who he is.
Many men who are married and either gay or bisexual have found there is little or no fulfillment for them cruising for sex, generally through chat lines, the Internet, or other suitable (and unsuitable) locations. For them, fulfillment is more than a one or two hour encounter with a total stranger, whose name they do not know and whom they might never meet again. Such encounters can be unsafe, in terms of personal safety and health.
To achieve fulfillment they need to establish a long-term relationship with another man whom they can get to know, to like, and possibly even love while at the same time maintaining the love that they have had for years with their wife and family.
Sex is therefore only part of that outside relationship. Other key parts are friendship, common interests, and with time, history. Such a relationship can provide the married gay or bisexual man with stability, since he no longer has a need to seek out other men, part of a basis hunting instinct which seems to prevail when there is no man in his life.
Before thinking of ending a marriage of long standing because of sexuality, give some though to the values of a marriage. These include the following, in no particular order:
- Friendship
- Companionship
- History
- Love
- Ability to communicate with each other
- Trust in each other
- Common interests
- Sex life
- Commitment to each other
- Family
- The future together
For many married gay or bisexual men, it is better to try to keep the marriage going than to abandon it, especially if he has had a history of many years with his wife. The alternative might not be quite as rosy as it first looks. He might not find a new partner quite as suitable as the one he has already, and loneliness might be a possibility for the future.
 e enter relationships for all sorts of reasons, the not least being love, friendship, and being comfortable with each other. The latter can be quite easily destroyed when things start going wrong.
If a relationship breaks up it can be quite devastating for one or both parties. In some ways, it can be worse than the bereavement caused by death – for a start, death is final and there is no hope of the relationship being restored in this life. So the break-up of a relationship, arguably is a form of bereavement and all that goes with it, if not more.
The important thing is to remember that in time of crisis, you do not have to suffer alone. There are people out there who are prepared to listen and talk it through.
Continued next column
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Continued from previous column
GAMMA, the Gay and Married Men’s Association, is one such organization and can be accessed on (02) 9267–4000 or regional freecall (1800) 804–617.
 new study by researchers based at Cornell University has found that men whose masculinity is threatened respond by adopting more macho attitudes, including increased homophobia. Cornell researcher Robb Willer put to the test the theory that men insecure about their masculinity overcompensate with macho attitudes.
Willer gave more than a hundred Cornell undergraduate students a gender identity survey and then randomly told them their responses indicated they has a masculine or feminine identity. Then the subjects were interviewed about political opinions, car preferences, and feelings toward gay people. Willer says men who were told they were feminine gave much more homophobic responses. They were also more likely to support the war in Iraq and to be interested in buying an SUV. Women’s responses were unchanged by the masculine–feminine rating. Willer will present his findings at the American Sociological Association’s 100th annual meeting later this month.
Source: Sirius/OutQ
study presented at the Third International AIDS Society Conference on HIV Pathogenesis and Treatment in Rio de Janeiro estimates that the lifetime cost of treating an HIV-Positive person exceeds $400,000 and can run as high as $648,000 without discounts on antiretroviral drugs. Using data collected from 17 US HIV care sites and a computer model to calculate care costs over time, the researchers predict that adults who begin antiretroviral treatment when their CD4-cell count drop below 350 cells can be expected to live 24.1 years and will run up a medical tab of between $405,000 with drug discounts to as high as $648,000 without them.
Adults starting anti-HIV drugs with a CD4-cell count below 200—the AIDS-defining threshold—were predicted to live an average of 22.4 years and to spend from $370,000 to $589,000 for their care.
The study estimates that 68% of lifetime HIV care costs are for antiretroviral drugs, 16% for outpatient care, 11% for inpatient care, and 5% for other medications and laboratory costs.
Based on their findings, the researchers estimate that the 40,000 people newly infected with HIV each year in the United States will require about $12.8 billion in medical care.
 hinese drug syndicates are targeting Australia as a growing market for crystal methamphetamine, a cheap, addictive, and highly dangerous drug that police and doctors warn is the new heroin on Australian streets.
Knows as Ice for its highly pure crystalline form, the drug can be bought for as little as $50 a gram and is earning a sinister reputation as users swamp the nation’s hospitals, psychiatric services and courts.
A National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre study has found the methamphetamine problem is now as large as heroin abuse was during its peak in the late 1990s. As many as 73,000 people nationwide are addicted to methamphetamine, about 1½ times the number of heroin addicts.
Australian Crime Commission spokesman, Kevin Kitson, said many Chinese syndicates involved in heroin importation had switch to synthetic drugs because they were not crop-cycle dependent and could be manufactured in almost any location. The commission’s latest drug report found the syndicates were deliberately carving out a market in Australia, and noted a rise in the median purity of crystal meth on the street market.
Smoked, injected, snorted, or anally inserted, crystal meth releases a flood of dopamine and serotonin to the brain, removing inhibitions and creating a feeling of euphoria.
But the comedown from the drug can involve depression, and in a growing number of cases, serious psychosis.
The NDARC study found a 58% rise in the number of hospital admissions for drug-related psychosis since 1999. Between 2003 and last year, 3,190 methamphetamine users across the nation were taken to hospital for mental and behaviour disorders.
Sydney’s St. Vincent’s Hospital emergency care director, Gordian Fulde, estimated violence associated with crystal meth in his hospital had risen five-fold between 2000 and last year. “I have been emergency director here for 25 years and nothing has scared me as much as these people,” Dr Fulde said. “We see people who are totally disinhibited, totally violent and out of control.”
Source: The Australian, 5 September, 2005
 esearch by Otago University’s Christchurch School of Medicine and Health Sciences suggests that young people with a predominantly homosexual orientation have significantly greater risk of developing mental health problems than their heterosexual counterparts.
The latest research paper from the long running Christchurch Health and Development Study, examines a sample of nearly 1,000 Christchurch-born young people. It shows that homosexual activity and orientation are associated with increasing rates of depression, anxiety, illicit drug dependence, suicidal thoughts and attempts.
Those most affected appear to be males with a predominantly homosexual orientation, who have mental health problems five times higher than young heterosexual males. Homosexual females have mental health problems nearly twice those of exclusively heterosexual females.
“Our findings clearly support the view that young people of gay, lesbian, and bisexual orientation are at increased risk of mental health problems and suicidal behaviours,” said Professor David Fergusson. “Gay males appear to be at greater risk, but both lesbian and bisexual young people also have higher rates of these problems than young people of exclusively heterosexual orientation.”
Other findings from this study suggest that 1 in 6 cohort members have experienced some degree of same sex attraction or consensual sexual contact, by 25 years of age. However, only 3% were predominantly homosexual, while 10% reported being predominantly heterosexual, but admitted some same sex attraction or experience.
Despite these New Zealand findings, which reflect concerns in the gay community internationally, Professor Fergusson says the background reasons for this increased risk remain to be established. “While it seems likely that factors such as social discrimination and homophobia may play a role in mental health problems with this group, there may also be other social and lifestyle factors that place gay, lesbian, and bisexual young people at great risk of mental health problems and suicidal behaviours.”
Professor Fergusson adds that the important message emerging from this research is that those planning mental health services, and those providing them, need to recognize that concerns about mental health risk for gay, lesbian and bisexual young people are now well founded in a growing body of research evidence.
Source: University of Otago
 arebacking is not for everyone, However, if you decide to fuck without a condom, keep in mind these points.
Know your status
Get tested regularly. Every six months is considered average, but you should get tested as frequently as every six weeks if you think you need to.
Know your partner
The safest barebacking happens between men who are lovers and who know through recent testing that they are HIV Negative. Both partners should be tested after six months of monogamous sex if they are to guarantee themselves the absolute minimum amount of risk.
Having a regular fuck buddy who you can trust, especially one who barebacks exclusively with you, is best if you are not in a committed relationship.
Discuss HIV status
If you want to remain HIV negative as long as possible, always discuss HIV status with the men you are about to fuck before you start foreplay. After foreplay (or when the clothes ripping begins) it becomes increasingly harder to talk about HIV status. And the harder his dick is, the harder it can be for him to be honest with you or you with him.
Bottoms be careful!
Whenever you bottom bareback for a new acquaintance, you put yourself in the highest risk category for receiving any and every STI out there, including HIV. Tops run a slightly lower risk of getting HIV, but new evidence has shown that the risk to Top-men is much higher than originally believed. Tops can just as easily receive any STI through barebacking. And versatile guys have the potential of spreading STI infections easily without knowing it. They can become infected by an HIV+ Top and in turn infect another HIV- Bottom between test periods and before receiving test results.
You can be infected and not know it. HIV can take anywhere from seven days to several years to incubate and show up. That’s why regular testing is important. If you should become infected with HIV, early detection can mean a greater possibility of bringing your viral levels down to undetectable levels.
Pay attention to what’s going on
It’s easy to get lost in the passion of sex and become unaware of potential problems that may arise during sex. If you begin to experience tenderness or pain while fucking, the best thing to do is to stop and find out what the problem is. Pain is a wonderful device that alerts us to problems we otherwise might miss. Even so, not all injuries during sex are painful. Always stop having sex if blood appears, even if it not painful. This almost always means something inside you has torn, thereby making a wide open doorway for HIV or any STI to enter your bloodstream.
Don’t use Crystal Meth
Drugs, especially Crystal Methamphetamine, cause you to think differently about sex and the risks you take. Nearly all men who have used Crystal regularly as a sex drug have become HIV+ or will become positive. Tweakers find their sexual havens in bath houses, sex clubs, book stores, and private parties because of the high numbers of anonymous sexual encounters that can be had in these environments. Condom use and/or honest discussion about HIV status is infrequent in these venues, and more sexual HIV transmissions occur under these conditions. Drugs also lower your immune system response, making it easier for HIV and STIs to attack your system.
Being in control of yourself and your actions is your best weapon against HIV transmission.
Don’t become a statistic.
Never take a load from someone you don’t trust
Sometimes we agree to do things in bed with guys based entirely on the fact that the guys are hot. And sometimes, once the fucking has begun, we have a change of mind and don't really want to go through with unsafe sex. It doesn’t matter what the reason is. If something just doesn’t feel right and you decide you’d rather not have him shoot his load up your arse, tell him. Let him know you would like him to shoot on your chest/back/face instead. He may not be all too happy that you veered from his expectations, but it is better to risk disappointing the man who thought he was going to breed you than it is to take risks you aren’t comfortable with.
However, don’t pull that stunt every time you get fucked or you may get a reputation you might not like. It is better to be honest from the start if you are not all that comfortable with barebacking than it is to pull a bait and switch on every guy you sleep with.
There is no immunity against HIV
To date, there is no medical proof that anyone is actually immune to HIV. Anyone who tells you this is either overconfident or flat-out lying.
There is no cure for HIV either. Vaccines are currently in the works, but nothing has been approved by the FDA for public immunization at this time. Never believe anyone who says they have been cured of HIV.
Nobody gives you HIV
YOU are responsible for anything you allow up your arse. If you want raw cock and hot sperm up your arse, you need to remember that you are giving permission to the other man/men to put you at risk. The same goes for your mouth. The power of “No” is always in your possession.
Nobody gives you HIV. You get it based on what you do, how you do it, and who you let do it to you.
Do you part and take responsibility to protect yourself when barebacking.
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